I'm to the end of my day. I spent hours upon hours in St. Joe. I had thought I would go to K.C., but found that I was out of time. I rarely get to walk through all parts of all stores, and that took up time.
I was browsing through Home Depot. The next thing I knew, I had crossed from one side of the building to the other. Good thing I wasn't driving a car because I have no recollection. Everything reminds me of Brian. Everything is either something he did or wanted to do, a place we went or wanted to go, a dinner we had or a dinner we missed. It is amazing how my memory is heightened...I remember the silliest things that seem such a minor detail. I drove past the Sheridan's on the south Belt (that is no longer open). I remembered taking him there for our anniversary when I was very pregnant with Tye, and getting there after it had already closed. As I traveled on north, I almost turned off to drive past the house where he lived in college (he was a MO West grad), but then I just didn't feel like it. I saw there is a Buffalo Wild Wings...Brian would have loved that.
The Christmas shopping...sigh. You would think I would be used to this, considering I did all the shopping alone last year too. But it wasn't the same. I took pictures on my cell phone of things so he could help me decide. I walked through stores on my cell phone with him, running things past him and taking suggestions. I brought stashes home and showed him every detail. He helped me keep a list so I could stay even between the kids. This year it feels different. There is no one to tell. Just a stark reminder that I am alone.
Erin called to check on me today. I had just walked out of a store after buying a Christmas tree for Brian's grave. That was fun. I went round and round in my head. How do I want to celebrate the holidays this year? How can Brian still be a part of that? Why don't I feel him anymore? I thought I would, at least sometimes. I am either crazy, or all those gooshy stories of feeling close to the dead are a hoax...why do I not feel that? It seems to be the same feeling from when I lost my mom, the relationshiop was just over. I struggle with trying to feel like there is anything there with both of them. It feels so one-sided, regardless if they are up there loving me. I try to be open to signs.
I broke my angel necklace today when I was trying on clothes. Super. As I walked through Walmart, I thought...great, this Walmart plays way too much Christmas music way too early also. Then I rounded the corner and could hear something else. It was a song from our wedding. A cd was playing over near the candles, and someone was selecting different songs. This was a song played by the violin as I came in. I thought...you have got to be kidding me! I can't get away from the pain, not ever! So I spent the rest of the time in Walmart, thinking about getting married and being in love with Brian.
At the rate I shopped today, I'll never get finished in time for Christmas!
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3 comments:
With the utmost respect for the feelings that tumble through your days, I have a thought. Just something to ponder. If Brian WERE trying to give you a sign that he was near you how would he do it? There are only so many ways that he could cross the barrier. So, just a thought, what if it was him that played the wedding music for you? How often do you hear that music in a Wal-Mart on the day you met Brian? Just a thought. No harm intended at all. The pain can overwhelm us to the point that we can't see anything else. Peace be with you. -- A friend
I came across your blog tonight but after reading your story, I can't remember how. I am very glad that I did! I'm wimpering like a baby as I type.
Your children are very beautiful and Brian sounds like he was a great man. I myself am "wandering aimlessly" right now but for very different reasons.
If you have a few moments, please drop by my blog. I love meeting new people especially ones from the blogging community.
Thanks for sharing your story. Aimee
Jenni,
I know it felt like pain hearing that song. Maybe that was Brian's way of showing his love for you again on such a special day for you two. I remember standing in the pantyhose aisle at Wal-Mart close to Christmas after losing mom and seeing a woman there who I had never seen before or since and something in her cart caught my eye....the only thing in her cart was her purse and a bottle of Tabu. I smiled in spite of it all. I love you!
Karis
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