Update

I am just amazed that so many people kept checking on us. Thank you for continuing on our journey.

I went shopping with Erin on Saturday. I didn't buy much, still can't get my brain wrapped around it being time for Christmas just yet.

There was a bad wreck in St. Joe, and we saw the crashed vehicle with a body next to it. I said a little prayer for whoever's life had just been snuffed out in an instant. It felt odd to drive through that intersection later in the day, as if nothing had happened. Today I said some special prayers for the family of the victim.

Things are ok. Tye had a great time hunting with "the guys". He told me he is one of the guys now. He slept in the Morton building both nights and told Grandma that he didn't want to come home. They didn't see many deer, but the hunting trip was a success, as far as Tye was concerned! It is funny, when he is gone over there, I really don't miss him. I guess I shouldn't say I don't at all. It is the same as how I miss him during the day at school or anytime I'm gone. But I think when he is over there, I know he is getting to be with Daddy's side of the family, which I hope makes him feel close to Daddy, and I know makes me feel close to Daddy that Tye is with them. Plus, I know how much Brian wanted them to be close, which also makes me feel good.

I'm gearing up for the holidays. I'm not sure how I feel. I'm numb usually, just going about the normal routine. I am extremely disorganized at home and at school. Luckily this just means paperwork piling up at school and things still run fairly smoothly there and at home. The last couple of years, the holidays have been full of anxiety and growing melanoma, so I can't say what would really be normal for us. All I really know is that Brian is gone, so it is different. I don't really have the feeling that I don't want to celebrate because I know Brian would want me to for the kids.

I haven't been sleeping again. It seems to just be back and forth. Friday night I was up very late because I couldn't sleep, then got up early to go shopping on Sat. Then when I got home, I laid down around 4:30 because I actually felt tired. I woke up around 2:10 a.m. I was shocked! I was thinking, holy cow, I don't know the last time I slept that long straight through. Then what do you do at 2 o'clock in the morning? I was still sleepy, so I laid there and talked to Brian and dozed off again. Next thing I knew, it was after 7:15 a.m.! What the heck! There is something to be said about emotional exhaustion. I seriously wonder how I could have possibly slept so long. And the rest of today, I mostly just felt rested...not that funk that I would normally feel if I slept too long. I mean, come on, that is about 15 hours!

Maybe that was what I needed to feel rested. I've found with grief, it isn't always physical exhaustion that drags me down.

We'll see how long it takes for me to get to sleep tonight...