A November Memory

Today is a day in history that changed my life forever. I suppose we all have those days throughout our lives, one that completely alters the course of our lives. Today is that day for me.

Today is the day I met Brian for the first time. I opened the door to a blind date to see a clean cut Brian with a smile that lit up my life. I see him over and over in my head, standing with his hands in his pockets, wearing a dark green shirt and jeans. I can hardly fathom what went on between the two of us in the past 7 years.

If I knew then what I know now, there are a lot of things I would have changed. I would have gone on a honeymoon instead of putting it off to save money. I would have went ahead and had that other child we wanted, which would mean Tye would have someone here when the girls are gone, but would also have probably complicated things even more...we both wanted that, and we still would have if we knew. I would have let him paint the bathroom any color he wanted. My biggest regret is putting things off, especially family things...going places, doing things...we seemed to always have in our mind that we would do them someday when the cancer was gone.

Well, the cancer is gone, but so is Brian.

He asked me to bury him in the shirt he wore that night, and I did. He told me it was the best day of his life, and undoubtedly it was mine too. Sometimes I wish I still had that shirt to see or snuggle with; but the other part of me is glad that was his choice.

So I took today off. I have no idea what I am doing, other than leaving town. I should Christmas shop, but the spirit is just not there, so we'll see. There is that hollow in the pit of my stomach that seems to be worse this morning. I always feel it, the loss of Brian, of his love and of our future together. He almost always sent me flowers today. Instead I'll take something to his grave. I guess that is what has become of us. I love him more each day, even with him being gone. I miss being loved by him.