So today is the day that literally changed my life. I read another blog recently that had me thinking, and I am going to take from that a few thoughts...
Today is the day my story was written. Albeit a very long prologue, the love story started on this day, November 10th, 2001....the day that Brian walked up to my door and the rest is history.
As the chapters unfolded in the coming years, my fairy tale was a blessing like no other. My happiness was immeasurable, and there were so many more chapters to come. The anticipation of all the expected chapters, the excitement of the unknown chapters, all full of the story of a life I never saw coming, a life I always dreamed of, a life with the love of a wonderful man and a beautiful family.
And then one of the main characters died, and the whole story went to hell in a heartbeat. I keep wanting to pick up the book and keep reading to see if there is a happy ending. But each chapter sort of feels like I am reading the same one over and over again. I have hope that the future chapters will fulfill my life, that I will start to look forward to what will come next. My heart keeps going back to read the earlier chapters, and even the difficult chapters...all chapters where Brian was still alive. The ones since then have very special moments, great times with my children, but the fairy tale is over. What was born on that fall day in November 2001 is long gone.
And I am sad. I am angry. I love Brian, and I don't want to ever stop loving him. As another blogging widow said, he died, but our relationship didn't end. It does feel a bit one-sided right now, as I grasp at any hope of seeing Brian in my dreams, but hey...welcome to the later chapters that the author screwed up. My fairy tale has become a flop, a story no one wants to read, and one that I don't even want to tell. Thank God I have my children so I can feel more that the fairy tale never got finished, and I just went on to another book about the blessings of life.
But the Brian and Jenni story that started on November 10, 2001...what happened? I feel like a main character that is left without a plot upon the untimely death of the other lead character. And why? Because cancer ruined everything.
I am overcome with grief, and I just don't feel like reading the other chapters yet. I feel like I need to understand what exactly happened and how I feel about all of it, so I can get to some level of acceptance. I don't feel any better about Brian being dead than I did on March 21, 2008. It hurts to the core of my being. All I can do now is try to figure out how to better deal with it, to accept it, to accept that there are more chapters to be written, and that are worth being a part of.
For today, I just feel sad, and so be it.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Brief Hiatus
I am so sorry that I have been on hiatus for nearly a month. My counselor suggested I experiment with taking a break from some of the blogs I was reading and following, to take a break from the melanoma website I keep up with and to take a break from just getting myself too involved in other illnesses and deaths that seem to mirror my own loss, subsequently making me relive it over and over. Her suggestion was to try it, and if I feel better, then I will know it was the right thing, and if not, then I will know it is a need still in my life.
I think it helped. It was suggested to me by more than one commenter on my own blog. Illness and death became my life for so long, and it is hard to keep from being obsessed with it. I know this probably sounds terrible, but in all honesty, sometimes seeing other illness and death, some sudden, some prolonged...it somehow makes me feel normal.
You see, I have come to realize that the me that existed before Brian graced my life is gone. Long gone. I spend my days trying to find myself again. So much of me has changed for the better because of his existence. And I find it difficult not to continually imagine how my life would be so different if it weren't for this evil we call cancer. I am working so hard to keep melanoma from destroying me in the wake of killing my husband. I remind myself that while melanoma did rob Brian of so much, while it did just whittle away at his body, it did not and never will define him.
So why now, do I feel as if it is defining me? Why now do I struggle so much to keep melanoma from breaking me? I was also robbed of so much, and the effects of melanoma contiue to whittle away at my heart and soul. It is a daily...no...hourly, if not even more often...a struggle I fight.
I am not going to get over this. Anyone who has loved and lost knows how I feel. The rest of you could never imagine, and for that I am thankful. While you may not understand my grief, it is real, and it is forever.
I have found in my own journey of grief that the sadness lingers like an unwelcome guest. So often, it is shut out purposefully by me, in an attempt to find some peace. Often, it is drowned out by the laughter and smiles of my children, or stomped out by the busyness and demands of my life. Those are the days that I can take a step forward, the days that are not as difficult to get out of bed as they used to be. Those are the days in which a thought or memory brings smiles and warms my heart.
But other days do still exist. I imagine they always will. God help me if I die and no one grieves my loss. For so many, the grief of Brian is healed, smoothed over by good memories, pushed back because grief is too hard to deal with and easier to forget. For me, he was my life.
Brian and Jenni and Rachel and Amberlea and Tye.
All of us.
And without him, I am lost. I am lonely. I am sad.
Days like today are particularly tough. I have some important decisions to make about myself and my children, and the loneliness weighs heavily on me. I miss the small things almost as much as anything.
Daddy driving kids around on Halloween.
Daddy cleaning up the yard.
Daddy playing football with Tye.
Daddy carving pumpkins.
Daddy kissing Mommy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Why today, I'm unsure, other than I have found that sharing in God's beauty of a day like today makes me feel close to God. And if you know me well, you know that I have felt anything but close to God over the last few years. From the moment in the emergency room when I realized my own mother was dead, God Himself has seemed at a distance. I have felt abandoned. I have felt lost. I have felt betrayed. I have worked beyond all energy to restore my relationship with Him, and I am so thankful that He is patient with me. I am thankful that God understands my pain, and is willing to let me be really angry. I am thankful that He has stood by me while I question so much about the meaning of life and love and loss.
And what I have found is that when I feel close to God, in turn I seem to feel close to Brian and my mom. It is not a coincidence that I have suddenly noticed the different colors of autumn, or the sounds of nature, or the smell of rain. I laugh to myself because my mom always noticed those things. She always always took the time to stop and smell the roses, literally. She pointed out the beauty and curiosities of the world, and I overlooked them so easily.
On the night of Brian's death, Amberlea slept in our bed. I spent all night just trying to absorb the happenings of the past few hours, the past few months, the past few years. The blinds of my bedroom were wide open, and when I finally slipped into bed after 5 a.m., I could see the sky. And I felt close to Brian, as if I was seeing the same Heaven he was now enjoying. When I woke, the sun was just coming up, and I wondered what the sun looked like from Brian's view. I think it was the first time I really took in a sunrise in all its glory.
And I have done so everyday since then. Many nights I watch the stars. I have grown to love the view of the moon, again wondering how majestic it is from Heaven. And I have started seeing God in a different perspective. He is everywhere, and I am working to let Him just surround me and bring me peace. Feeling closer to God makes me feel close to Brian and my mom.
But it also makes me miss them even more. I want my life back, and I keep having to remind myself that it is gone, the life as I knew it...and what is left is the life I am trying to live now. It can all be so very overwhelming at times, and I think it will seriously always be a work in progress. Each days ticks off another day without them, and the further into time I go, the longer it has been since I saw them.
So when the sadness comes, it is pretty intense. It feels like a weight on my chest, a fuzz in my head. The tears and pain seem almost worse because it has built up longer. So while I am thankful for more good days than bad, the bad seem pretty bad.
One day at a time. That is all I can do. That has worked for so many months, and it is what allows me to continue to function. I can hardly believe the holidays are approaching so fast, and I am trying to gear up to face these special family moments without Brian, without my mom. I don't see how I can really ever get used to this.
I think it helped. It was suggested to me by more than one commenter on my own blog. Illness and death became my life for so long, and it is hard to keep from being obsessed with it. I know this probably sounds terrible, but in all honesty, sometimes seeing other illness and death, some sudden, some prolonged...it somehow makes me feel normal.
You see, I have come to realize that the me that existed before Brian graced my life is gone. Long gone. I spend my days trying to find myself again. So much of me has changed for the better because of his existence. And I find it difficult not to continually imagine how my life would be so different if it weren't for this evil we call cancer. I am working so hard to keep melanoma from destroying me in the wake of killing my husband. I remind myself that while melanoma did rob Brian of so much, while it did just whittle away at his body, it did not and never will define him.
So why now, do I feel as if it is defining me? Why now do I struggle so much to keep melanoma from breaking me? I was also robbed of so much, and the effects of melanoma contiue to whittle away at my heart and soul. It is a daily...no...hourly, if not even more often...a struggle I fight.
I am not going to get over this. Anyone who has loved and lost knows how I feel. The rest of you could never imagine, and for that I am thankful. While you may not understand my grief, it is real, and it is forever.
I have found in my own journey of grief that the sadness lingers like an unwelcome guest. So often, it is shut out purposefully by me, in an attempt to find some peace. Often, it is drowned out by the laughter and smiles of my children, or stomped out by the busyness and demands of my life. Those are the days that I can take a step forward, the days that are not as difficult to get out of bed as they used to be. Those are the days in which a thought or memory brings smiles and warms my heart.
But other days do still exist. I imagine they always will. God help me if I die and no one grieves my loss. For so many, the grief of Brian is healed, smoothed over by good memories, pushed back because grief is too hard to deal with and easier to forget. For me, he was my life.
Brian and Jenni and Rachel and Amberlea and Tye.
All of us.
And without him, I am lost. I am lonely. I am sad.
Days like today are particularly tough. I have some important decisions to make about myself and my children, and the loneliness weighs heavily on me. I miss the small things almost as much as anything.
Daddy driving kids around on Halloween.
Daddy cleaning up the yard.
Daddy playing football with Tye.
Daddy carving pumpkins.
Daddy kissing Mommy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Why today, I'm unsure, other than I have found that sharing in God's beauty of a day like today makes me feel close to God. And if you know me well, you know that I have felt anything but close to God over the last few years. From the moment in the emergency room when I realized my own mother was dead, God Himself has seemed at a distance. I have felt abandoned. I have felt lost. I have felt betrayed. I have worked beyond all energy to restore my relationship with Him, and I am so thankful that He is patient with me. I am thankful that God understands my pain, and is willing to let me be really angry. I am thankful that He has stood by me while I question so much about the meaning of life and love and loss.
And what I have found is that when I feel close to God, in turn I seem to feel close to Brian and my mom. It is not a coincidence that I have suddenly noticed the different colors of autumn, or the sounds of nature, or the smell of rain. I laugh to myself because my mom always noticed those things. She always always took the time to stop and smell the roses, literally. She pointed out the beauty and curiosities of the world, and I overlooked them so easily.
On the night of Brian's death, Amberlea slept in our bed. I spent all night just trying to absorb the happenings of the past few hours, the past few months, the past few years. The blinds of my bedroom were wide open, and when I finally slipped into bed after 5 a.m., I could see the sky. And I felt close to Brian, as if I was seeing the same Heaven he was now enjoying. When I woke, the sun was just coming up, and I wondered what the sun looked like from Brian's view. I think it was the first time I really took in a sunrise in all its glory.
And I have done so everyday since then. Many nights I watch the stars. I have grown to love the view of the moon, again wondering how majestic it is from Heaven. And I have started seeing God in a different perspective. He is everywhere, and I am working to let Him just surround me and bring me peace. Feeling closer to God makes me feel close to Brian and my mom.
But it also makes me miss them even more. I want my life back, and I keep having to remind myself that it is gone, the life as I knew it...and what is left is the life I am trying to live now. It can all be so very overwhelming at times, and I think it will seriously always be a work in progress. Each days ticks off another day without them, and the further into time I go, the longer it has been since I saw them.
So when the sadness comes, it is pretty intense. It feels like a weight on my chest, a fuzz in my head. The tears and pain seem almost worse because it has built up longer. So while I am thankful for more good days than bad, the bad seem pretty bad.
One day at a time. That is all I can do. That has worked for so many months, and it is what allows me to continue to function. I can hardly believe the holidays are approaching so fast, and I am trying to gear up to face these special family moments without Brian, without my mom. I don't see how I can really ever get used to this.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Prayers for Another Rachael
Please take time to pray for little Rachel, 3rd grader recently diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma.
Rachael's blog
Take the time to see her description of how this all started this summer. It is an all-to-common story that could happen to your daughter... How it all started
Please take the time to check your child's skin...freckles, moles, other spots. It could save their life!
Rachael's blog
Take the time to see her description of how this all started this summer. It is an all-to-common story that could happen to your daughter... How it all started
Please take the time to check your child's skin...freckles, moles, other spots. It could save their life!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The Royal Treatment
Wow, the tears have flowed freely over the last few days. I wasn't quite sure what was causing it, beyond the normal, but realized finally after sobbing quietly as two of my children slept beside in bed last night that it is this whole Royals deal. I am taking the kids to the Royals game tomorrow, and it has caused some very special memories to resurface. It is also causing some anxiety, while also causing some unexpected excitement.
Brian loved the Royals. He was a diehard fan, never giving up on them. He had George Brett cleats. He had quite a Royals collection.
And he asked me to marry him at a Royals game.
For that reason, I have purchased a brick in memory of Tye's Daddy, so that Brian could always be there with Tye when he goes to a game. Brian wanted so much to take his son and go enjoy a game. So I will take him tomorrow instead. My Eickholt family also purchased a brick, so there are 2 with his name on them. Stacy and her family found that one when they were at a game a few months back, but we have not found the one I purchased. I hope to tomorrow.
So while the sadness has crept in, I do hope the excitement will overtake those feelings and we can enjoy a beautiful day together.
Brian loved the Royals. He was a diehard fan, never giving up on them. He had George Brett cleats. He had quite a Royals collection.
And he asked me to marry him at a Royals game.
For that reason, I have purchased a brick in memory of Tye's Daddy, so that Brian could always be there with Tye when he goes to a game. Brian wanted so much to take his son and go enjoy a game. So I will take him tomorrow instead. My Eickholt family also purchased a brick, so there are 2 with his name on them. Stacy and her family found that one when they were at a game a few months back, but we have not found the one I purchased. I hope to tomorrow.
So while the sadness has crept in, I do hope the excitement will overtake those feelings and we can enjoy a beautiful day together.
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