Sigh...

Gosh, it just seems like time is flying by. I have always felt that way, being a teacher. My life is on a constant timeframe, waiting for midterms...then the end of the quarter...etc., then Christmas break and on and on and next thing you know, you are counting down the last days of yet another year. That is how I blinked and instead of having a kindergartner, Rachel is now a 6th grader! She told me tonight that she got measured in P.E. and she is 5' 4'' tall. Sheesh! She would point out that she is taller than several of her grandmas! (Sorry Denise, Penny, Shirley...)

My heart has been very heavy this week. I've gone several weeks with not much more than a tear in my eye, and this week the flood gates have been open. It seems like every turn just reminds me of Brian, each moment reminds me of a moment lost. The lump has formed again in my throat, and I guess I'm just at a low point on the rollercoaster of grief.

Just when I thought tonight might be a little better, Amberlea was in tears at bedtime. She said she really misses Brian's hugs and having him as part of our family. We decided it was time to visit the cemetery, so we'll go tomorrow with some new flowers. I promised her I would work on getting the order ready for Bateman's so we could finally have our pictures up of Brian and our family.

The girls and I are getting ready for Camp Carousel. This is a grief camp for families with school-aged children (Tye isn't going since he technically is still in preschool) who have lost one parent. It is designed for the other parent to go together with the kids. I am looking forward to someone else guiding our grief, someone else saying all the right things, so I maybe can be on the receiving end of it instead of being responsible for it all. It is exhausting, yet somewhat rewarding that I could work so hard to try to help my children through this....but for now it is exhausting and I'm ready for someone else to do it and for someone to do it for me too. We have items to gather for a memorial table, and we each have to bring a picture to share. We will be divided into age groups, so the girls shouldn't be together, and I will be with adults who have lost their spouse. Obviously since it involves school-aged kids, most of these spouses will be closer to my age, having lost their loved one to cancer or an accident or something along that line. I am looking forward to experiencing the benefits of this type of support group. Amberlea and I will room together because of her age, and then Rachel will be assigned a roommate. We are all 3 looking forward to the activities and time together.

I have had some very good moments lately. School is making me feel productive again, and I've found that I have to be careful not to volunteer myself for too much too fast. I've been saying no for so long because I didn't have the option to really do anything extra. I'm not sure I'm totally back in the groove. Actually to tell the truth, I have so so so so much work to do. Not only did I not teach most of the year last year, I also didn't do any work. So all the extra details and things I get done everyday besides teach, none of that got done either. Things are out of order, my to-do list is overwhelming...I mark one thing off and add 3. Even so, it has been a healthy stress (most of the time).

I find that most of my grief right now feels stronger than ever. It is almost like the protective layer of my life has been peeled back, life is going back to a routine, and the grief is soaking in and becoming a part of me instead of a phase. The grief is constant. As crazy as this sounds, I think about Brian being dead probably 100 times a day, if not more. It is like a voice that keeps repeating itself in my head, a voice that keeps reminding me that he is gone, a voice that taunts me. The feeling of sadness seems to have just become how it is. I almost feel normal to just always feel tired and sad. I put on a happy face, and I can even find myself feeling happy and enjoying conversations in the midst of grief. I have found that now, when missing Brian hits me, it really hits hard.

It was the 4am tap from Tye this morning saying...Mommy, I want to snuggle with you.

It was the hug I shared with Amberlea tonight because she wanted to hug Brian.

It was the mail that came today, addressed to Brian.

It was someone I overheard that said something about going out for lunch with her husband...my husband is dead.

It was Tye who announced that now that Tori got her new baby, and Zeke got his new baby (yes, my other sister had her baby, Isaiah), that he wanted me to get him a baby next.

It was even the quiet, out on the deck, thinking of how we were going to enjoy life together, and then realizing it was just me now.

It has been the financial decisions I've had to make alone....

all the other decisions I've had to make without Brian...

It is Tye getting taller, and Rachel and Amberlea too...

It is the changes, the thought of things before Brian died, and after.

It is the cold weather, and the thought of another season...

It is the month of September, when just a year ago there was hope.

Sheesh...it is everything. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to it. When I expect it, I feel fine; it is more when I don't see it coming...

I miss him so much I can't even tell you. It is the realization that this is going to stay like this. It is the thought that I will always be sad, and wondering how I am ever going to enjoy life again. I enjoy moments, I enjoy specifics like my kids. But the day to day hustle and bustle feels mundane to me, it feels empty and it feels like part of me is missing. I am trying to understand that what is left of me is what will always be...that part of me will always be missing. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad.

Shouldn't I be finding a way to start feeling good? Shouldn't I stop being selfish and think of Brian being healed? Shouldn't I be more accepting of how God works in my life, and what He has planned for me? Try it, it is easier to say that than to do it. Yet I try each day to figure out what good can come from this pain, what path God wants to lead me down, and how I can get this target off my back. I find myself begging God to forgive me because I have been so angry. Faith, I have found, is very difficult. I am thankful for my upbringing because my faith has been my foundation. My faith has been rocked...all I've ever believed in...gosh, how do I say it...He didn't come through for me. God didn't protect me and Brian and our family. He didn't hold us up and pull us from the depths of despair. Our faith did not heal us. Our prayers were not answered.

Yet apparently this was all part of the P-L-A-N. You know, that plan that seems so great when it is a new baby or a new job or a healthy family? Yeah, that plan...well, sometimes the plan sucks. Sometimes the plan screws someone else. Why? To benefit someone? To give someone else what they need? What is the reason? Tell it to Tye because he's the one without a daddy.

So where is my faith now. Hmmm... I guess I can only tell you that I still believe. I figure in the midst of the earthquake of my life, that has been quite an accomplishment, both for me and for my parents and family, even for my church, to know that my foundation was rocked, even still shaking, but hasn't crumbled. I must admit there are days that I look in the mirror, and my anger for losing Brian is coupled with the thoughts of triumph in knowing that even the evils and devastation of my life have not stopped me from believing.

For that, dear God, I can only hope and pray, that my reward, that His divine plan, will one day include my own salvation. I can only trust that my choice to remain faithful in the wake of this event I call my life would be seen with great favor, that the Lord might look upon me and be proud.

For that, I keep on...