Ash Wednesday Reflections

Disclaimer: I have a lot of comments in this post; and they are just that, my thoughts, my fears, and my feelings. I am not trained in theology, only in life.

Today has been a rough one for Brian. His bed sore is seemingly deeper and worse than ever. It is located on the right side of his buttocks, just to the right of the upper part of his crack, to be blunt. It is about the size of a half dollar. Before it really had broken through the skin, I could touch it and feel his tailbone. He also has no butt...hasn't for a year or so. Once he started losing weight, any meat on his rear just disappeared. So he hasn't had rounded buns for a while...again, being blunt. This posed a huge problem because when his hip caused such restrictions on his movement and positioning, there was nothing on the backside to protect him. Over the months, the hospital nurses and home health and hospice nurses and physical therapists have been great to give us tips and ways to ease the discomfort in this area. It has been difficult for Brian to want to do much repositioning because it seems to always cause additional pain in his left hip. He can't win.

He has been in bed since Monday evening. Now this afternoon, he actually seems to be in somewhat of a comfortable position, after I finally enticed him to take a chance and turn almost completely on his tummy. I was able to get his legs in an ok position, and he is feeling some relief. He was in tears earlier today, and I finally took the dressing off while the hospice nurse explored some other options on how to help. The wound specialist gave some suggestions to put cool dressings on the area, and that seems to be giving him some relief. It is one of those wounds that will take weeks to heal.

Tom from school came to distribute ashes and share a prayer with us. Brian had a hard time keeping it together. After he left, Brian sobbed and cried out for Jesus to please help him, that today was just too much. I told him to try to focus on how Jesus suffered and to feel the Lord's presence during his own suffering. Brian asked me...why do I have a bed sore, I mean with everything else? I work so hard to sugarcoat things, to make him feel encouraged and comforted...but I couldn't take it anymore. So I said...you got the shaft...you apparently haven't suffered enough, or you've just handled what has been dealt you too well that God must think you can handle more. Then I lost it and cried and cried. I didn't say anything to Brian that he and I haven't both said and felt several times. I've found that there are times when special little Bible quotes and inspirational lines make things harder to understand...here are a few things we keep hearing over and over, and just think of these from our perspective...

"If you believe, you will receive everything you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22 Have we not asked, not begged, for Your mercy? I start to question our belief...maybe God doesn't think we really believe He can heal Brian. Maybe the thousands who pray for us daily aren't enough. How can I rely on prayer in any aspect of my life when it doesn't seem the Lord is listening?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 At one point, this was my favorite Bible verse, a reminder that the Lord wanted us to be a family together, to grow old together, to share our lives. I used to believe that God wanted us to be blessed and changed by this experience, to prosper and teach others about God's presence in our lives. I imagined the interpretation to mean that Brian and I could trust in the Lord to heal Brian, to help us keep hope that a future together was real. I also believed that God would one day take away the pain, to stop melanoma from hurting Brian and our family, and to give us peace in Him.

God never gives you more than you can handle. (Technically not a Bible verse, but a twisted version of 1 Corinthians 10:13) This is a load of crap, in my opinion. I'm no Super Woman, but come on. A divorce, picking up the pieces with two very young girls, my mom dying suddenly, standing beside Brian through his suffering, and now this? I often wonder if I handled everything too well. I tried so hard to maintain my dignity through my divorce, to try to become a stronger person. Was I too strong? I haven't even bounced back from losing my mom because I spend all my time grieving with Brian over the loss of our future. Did I hold myself up too much, did I keep it together too well that it appeared I could take even more? It makes me think about the Wii boxing game...sometimes that guy just keeps getting up for more, and you think surely he's down for the count. I was raised that way, to try to pick myself up and move forward. Should I have just broken down and lost it? Would that have stopped this evil downward spiral of my life? Would that have spared Brian? Would God have finally said, she's had enough?

"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the LORD. Jeremiah 30:17 We're still waiting...

"All things are possible to him who believes." Mark 9:23 Again, does this mean we aren't believers? Brian, me, our kids, our parents and siblings and loved ones and friends and colleagues and community and perfect strangers...everyone praying for us...are we all not sincere in our prayers? When you look at the verse, then think of Brian continuing to get worse, that is how it feels. Because if this is true, then it must be our fault that we don't really believe, and that is why this prayer for Brian has not been answered.

So here I am, almost feeling guilty for going off on God like that today. He is the Almighty One, so I figure He can handle it, and hopefully won't hold it against me! Our present situation is a good reason why you should really be sure you have your faith in order, because you never really know when it might be tested. I'm not saying for you to necessarily iron things out with God and what you believe, just in case you get cancer or get in a car wreck or lose your job or get divorced. But on the other hand, I AM saying that. If you don't have your faith, you have nothing. There is nothing to question, nothing to rely on, and nothing to hold you up, even when you feel like God has failed you. The feeling that God has abandoned us is there, yet my faith holds strong in knowing that He is walking with us during this difficult time, that He is indeed holdig us up. Non-believers would feel that God has abandoned them, and nothing would make them feel or realize differently. I've always said that questioning one's faith is of the faithful, not the faithless.

Ultimately, as mad as this makes me to say it, I know that God will indeed heal Brian, that promise is true. It just might not be how we want it, and instead for the better good, for God's plan. I just can't fathom how losing Brian could be beneficial, could be a good part of the whole plan, to have a young boy without his Daddy, and me without the love of my life, with Phillip and Denise without their son and Todd without his brother....I could go on and on.

I do keep waiting...for that moment I finally feel peace. It isn't there, and I wonder if it ever will be. I feel despair, I feel sad, and I feel let down. I do believe, and that is the part I will never understand...how can I ever truly believe that my prayers even matter? Maybe He hears, but what I'm asking is not what He wants? Then why even ask? I pray everyday that God forgives me for feeling let down, for feeling abandoned, when I know better.

Cancer does this to you. It is so easy to believe when you look into the eyes of someone you love, or hold your new baby in your arms, or arrive safely after a long trip. It is easy to believe when you see a sunset or a rainbow or hear of someone recovering from a devastating illness (go Spencer, go Dave, go Kathy W. and Kathy H. and Kathy L.). It is easy to believe when a new job opportunity comes or when good things happen. But when cancer slithers into your life, it can become an evil that makes you see things different. We have a book we are reading about dealing with cancer with the help of our Catholic faith. One chapter is about temptations brought on by cancer...when we start to question...why me? why our family? and that turns into jealousy...jealousy for a normal life, a normal marriage, a normal family...Brian's jealousy to return to teaching...or to take Tye fishing. How many other Dads will pass up the chance to take their son fishing because they are too busy working or watching football or golfing, when Brian's excuse will be because he's dead? My jealousy to go on a date with my husband, to lay in our own bed together and have him leave the seat up on the toilet...while other wives gripe and complain. Rachel and Amberlea's jealousy to be able to have friends over like normal, to not have so much attention for Brian's illness, to be able to be a family again.

So instead of giving up pop for Lent, Brian and I have decided to try to refocus our prayer life. Lent can be a very special time for everyone in their faith journey. We hope for us that it can be a time of renewed trust in God, a time to focus on prayer and on the sufferings of Christ, a time to feel God's presence and be ever thankful for each moment, a time to remind us that all we do is for God and part of His divine plan.

That, my friends, is faith in its truest form. We know our weaknesses, and we trust God to stand by us through it all. We question, yet we believe. We struggle, yet we are held up. We doubt, yet we know the truth in our hearts. We cry out, and in the silence, we know that God is there.

I'll leave you with this verse, one which I don't seem to question as much and know at least this much will indeed be true. I can only hope and pray that through Brian's suffering, our suffering, and the fact that we continued to believe, we continued to worship and praise the one true God, will indeed be rewarded in Heaven.

"I consider our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18