Sad to See 2007 Go

I am just simply overcome with sadness today...for Brian, for our family, for Tye and the girls, for Phillip and Denise and Todd, for the Halley and Heflin families, for the Middle School and St. Gregory's, for everyone who has stood by us, who has believed that God would heal Brian.

It seems that the means in which we have available to us, and many that weren't available, but we sought out, can't even touch Brian's melanoma. We knew from the diagnosis in April 2005 that his strain was very strong. The CT scan today showed significant tumor growth at all tumor sites, a small tumor on the bladder, multiple lesions on the liver, and multiple subcutaneous sites. The tumors are not immediately life-threatening to Brian, and there is likely room to grow before Brian will see complications, other than the tumor on his adrenal gland, which can be treated with medication for the most part. With that, it makes sense to stop trying to fight the cancer, and change our focus on just treating Brian's symptoms and keeping him comfortable.

Today has been devastating. Even back in September, we held on to the hope that there was something out there to help him. Today is a culmination of months of medications, surgeries, pain, upheaval, prayers, appointment after appointment, test after test, 25,000 miles between Maryville and Columbia...and it all came down to today's results...this disease is going to kill him, despite our efforts, despite our trust in the Great Healer. I suppose it could be said that indeed Brian will be healed, but not on this earth.

We will be coming home with hospice. My head is spinning. I feel choked up about leaving the hospital, yet grateful Brian will be with me. I feel sad to walk away from Dr. Anderson and Dr. Miller, and all the nurses and other doctors who have cared for Brian. I actually like Columbia, but wonder if I can ever come here again. I never hated being here, because when we were here, there was still hope, we were still fighting. Hopefully, I'll never need to be here again where anyone's health is involved. I'm scared to leave, but maybe it is more my fear of what we are facing as we leave.

Dr. Anderson will continue to direct Brian's care, via the hospice nurses. I cried on his shoulder tonight, and once again felt the devastation, the feeling from him that his hopes and dreams for life included successfully treating oncology patients; and he is as sad as we are that there was not a way for us to stop this disease progression. We can all only hope and pray that future research and treatments can eradicate this nasty beast. I feel safe in moving forward in this with him by our side, even now that things are so bad.

We could have come home today. We waited because we are hoping to have an epidural of some sort put in place to numb Brian's left hip. This will give him much better quality of life, and will hopefully open up our chance to get out and do some things since he'll be more comfortable. If this can be done here in the morning on New Year's Day, then we'll stay a day or maybe two. If not, we are coming home tomorrow and will have that procedure done at home or in St. Joe soon.

Thursday is our 5 year anniversary. It is so amazing how life has changed in 5 years. This time in 2002, we were talking about starting our life together. Today we spent time talking about ending out life together, moving on without him, taking care of our family without him. We have some really tough things to talk about, but hope to keep those moments in check and really spend time enjoying each other.

We have lots of other decisions to make too, but it is too much to do all at once. Our time is precious, and it is going to be an emotional experience to have hospice in our home with our children. We ask that all family and friends please call before visiting. It may very well be a great time; or it might be a time of a lot of tears, or some private moments, or Brian or the rest of us might not be up to company. With that in mind, it is really important to us to maintain our privacy and also protect Brian's energy and health, and protect our family. Again, there will be plenty of times that we will welcome visitors. There may at times be visitors already at our home, when it would be better for you to come another day. There are lots of people from school that hopefully will stop to shoot the breeze with Brian, hopefully some other friends too. We greatly appreciate you calling first.

Please continue to pray for us, as we travel down a path that we have not encountered on this journey yet. Please pray especially for our children. Amberlea is having a real hard time right now in particular. Hopefully me being home and us being settled will help with this. The girls have been blessed to have the unbelievable support and love from Tim and Abby to help them face this. The girls are very worried about Tye, and we are all worried about him, yet know he will always be loved and well taken care of.

In light of this information, I will never stop believing that God will heal Brian and give us many years together on earth. We still don't know how this will play out, and Brian may very well have many more months with us. On the other hand, the infection is still there, and continues to linger, despite the i.v. antibiotics, and this is a huge area of concern. I stopped praying for God's will. Not that I think His will doesn't matter...but more because I believe with all my heart that I can tell God what I need, and He will listen. And frankly, I don't need God's will to be for Brian to die. And I know God understands my desperation, and I hope He also knows that I still believe in a miracle.

I do want to wish you a Happy New Year. 2008 is looking as if it will be a rough one for us. Nonetheless, I wish you and yours much happiness, precious memories, good health, and love.

Jenni