I wasn't sure what to title this, as I don't feel real witty right now.
Brian's condition continues to deteriorate. He is still feeling somewhat decent, which I feel is a good time to decide to go to the hospital, before it is so bad that they can't help him. I did have to force my opinion today, and he finally agreed. I have been able to control the fever since Christmas Eve with motrin, which he was only taking about twice a day. I know this just masked things. By yesterday, he took motrin around the clock, and his fevers were more between 100-103. He had agreed by yesterday morning to go to Columbia to get checked out on Monday, so I told him this morning that I thought today was a better idea.
He is crying a lot. He has told me that he wants to be dead. I know he feels guilty, like he is hurting me and our family by giving up. But I remind him it is the melanoma that has hurt us and is ripping our family apart, not him. I also don't think he is giving up, just because he is worn out. How can you really give up a fight that was fought so unfairly? I told him I thought I was ready if he is, but that I want him to know that I will continue taking care of him forever if I have to...that I don't want him to stop fighting because of me. He is worried if he survives, that he won't be able to provide for us. I have reminded him that I survived on my own once, and I can do it again, that I didn't marry him for an extra income. But I've also told him that I can't be selfish and expect him to linger on in this misery.
It was hard to say. I feel it in my mind, but my heart doesn't want to ever let him go.
I also asked him to give this a chance, to let us find out what it is that is causing his pain in his hip, that is causing some other symptoms, and to fix the leg issue. I begged him to remember that we trusted God to fix this, and to please give Him a chance. He agreed, saying that he wants to live if he can feel better, but he doesn't want to live like this.
We have spent a lot of time lately, thinking through what makes our marriage, what makes Brian as a person. Melanoma has come to define him, define us, define our family. It is a lesson to all...we have had the chance to sort through what is important, and to think about a lot of hard things.
I have a few things I need to finish before leaving town, so I'll sign off for now. I will keep you updated. I am sure they will keep him for a few days at least, hopefully for i.v. antibiotics and a CT scan of his hip.
May you take time to reflect on what is important to you...
Jenni
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness. James Thurber
My Other Blog
Chummy and Little Man
Brian Craig Halley 1972-2008
- Jenni Halley
- I am a 38 year-old single mother of 3 beautiful, fun, smart, amazing children. I am one of the two families raising my two daughters (thanks to a divorce from my 1st husband), and I am raising my son alone (thanks to melanoma killing my 2nd husband). I enjoy using this blog to journal my feelings.
About This Blog
I have recently shifted the focus of this blog back to follow the title. I fight melanoma everyday in the loss of Brian, in the loss of the girls' stepdad, and in the loss of Tye's daddy. At the one year anniversary of Brian's death, I decided to start a new blog about our family. I am keeping this blog to continue to share things on melanoma and other cancers, and rant and rave about how much it sucks to be a widow. It seemed in my mind that the time had come to split those. Please see the link below to visit my new blog. http://www.momto3gr8kidz.blogspot.com/
UV Index
ABCs of Melanoma Identification
Other Special Stories to Follow
Valuable Resources for an Irreplaceable YOU!
"Just Skin Cancer?"
Aside from my focus to care for my husband and children, I'm on a mission to save you too! Below are websites to help keep you safe from melanoma, and hopefully educate you on this deadly beast that has invaded our life and worn down an otherwise healthy man. I pray that what I've learned might help prevent melanoma, or at least lead to early detection, as well as provide information on basal and squamous cell carcinomas. I hope to channel this wealth of unwelcome information to make a positive impact on your lives, as you are all as precious to your families and friends as Brian is to ours. Please contact me if I can help you with resources or answer questions.
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2 comments:
Jenni & Brian,
Regardless of what it feels like right now, know that what defines your marriage and even your individual selves is the burning flame of your love for one another. It may be obscured at times by melanoma, or by the struggles of living with a terrible disease, but it is your core. It is you. You are amazing people, and we are so blessed that you take the time and guts to teach us as you travel this devastating path. Love and prayers always.
Jenni and Brian,
I have been following your fight as we are in one too. Melanoma does not fight fair. I have learned from your blog what it is to remain true to your faith. You both seem to be so loving to each other through such difficult times. Thank you for sharing some of the harder times. As a caregiver it helps to be able to understand what the patient is feeling too. I wish your road didn't have to be so difficult. I will continue to pray for you to have the strength to handle whatever may come your way.
Linda (mom to John)
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