Red, White and Very Blue

Wow, it amazes me how grief can creep back in when you least expect it.  I have really been missing Brian the last few days. I always miss him, not a day goes by that I don't have that hole in my heart feeling. But the last few days has been the missing him I can't think straight did this really happen type. It will pass. I know it will. Maybe that is why I just let these feelings happen now instead of fighting it, because this phase will pass.  It still is fascinating to me as to why these days have been harder. Did something happen? Not that I can think of. A certain memory? No any more memorable than a whole lot of other things...

I think it is the family part. The family part of the 4th of July. My inability to create new memories because they aren't the memories I want to be having. Yet, this is now the 4th July 4th without Brian. Get over it already. I figure there are so many people out there who think that. And if you do, you are so very wrong. It just doesn't work like that.  Just get past it already. Doesn't work like that either.

But it is indeed healthy to move ahead in a forward motion.  I don't view it as moving on, more as moving down a different path than previously set.  Still, at any moment, without warning, I can be transported back to a second or minute, even an hour or day or two, that the grief just hurts to bad to move in any direction.  Then, without much warning, I'm back on the path towards healing.

I am missing Brian's company so badly. He was so fun to be around, always made me laugh and always was interested in everything.  I miss his smile. I was thinking of him and his face, and a feeling a dread came over me, that I could not recall what his nose looked like. I felt panic coming on, and then sadness that I thought his face was forever etched into my memory. I can still hear his voice in my head, and I fear the day that I can't remember.  I feel lonely and like a part of me is missing, even after all this time.  I wonder if I have really accepted Brian's death, and realize that yes, I have accepted that he is dead, my brain was totally wrapped around that as it was happening. But I'm not sure, actually I'm pretty sure, that I haven't begun to accept that my hopes and dreams for our life together died that day too.  Our future together was a casualty of his battle with cancer. His life was taken, but so much more was also wiped out. A son growing up with his father to take him fishing, or shoot off fireworks, or learn to play baseball...a wife crawling into bed alone, planning vacations alone, making all the decisions alone.

I just wanted what we started out with, a future full of love and support, a real family. Am I terrible to feel like the 4 of us are still struggling to be a "real" family? What makes a "real" family? I'm not even sure. There are families out there with a mom and dad who are far from being anything close to a real family. 

I think I am also missing just feeling loved. Really loved. The quick hugs I get from my kids are practically the only human contact I have, how sad is that?  I miss the love I felt when Brian wrapped his arms around me, or snuggled up next to me on the couch.

I do think some of it is the holidays. I miss my mom terribly on any holidays, mostly because the concept of family that I was raised with died when she did.  I miss Brian to be here to make plans with, to be a part of the celebration, to make memories with. I know it is importatant to continue making memories, and that is what I will focus on.  I keep thinking this will all get easier, and maybe even some days it is actually easier than it was.  I know a few other melanoma warriors who are very sick and suffering right now, and I am so very thankful that Brian is free from the pain inflicted by melanoma.  I just wonder when the pain that melanoma inflicted on me will ever pass. I wonder if the cruel reality of the disease that left me here without him will ever get easier.

Today it doesn't feel like it. Probably in a day or so, I'll feel better and can move along my new path again.