A friend of mine has just been diagnosed with melanoma. The great news is that there is a really good chance they got it all. The bad news is that we heard that before with Brian. But the good news is that my friend DID catch it early, and I truly believe things are going to go well for him and he will just be able to go on and enjoy life. Thank God.
I spent the evening finishing up gathering pictures for Rachel's 8th grade graduation video. I took a lot of time to reminisce. I realize that I have avoided looking at pictures and reliving a lot of memories lately because it all hurts too much. Even just thinking about Rachel growing up so fast has been difficult for me. But tonight, I felt like looking and I was quite enjoying myself! What beautiful children I have!
And then I opened a folder with this picture in it. It was taken on Easter Sunday 2008, only about 36 hours after Brian died. Tye and the girls had played and looked for Easter eggs. I remember him being happy and sad that morning, smiling and then crying. But I do not at all remember taking this picture or ever seeing it before. It is in with all the rest that were taken at our house that morning. And I bawled. Those of you who know Tye, you know he never looks like this. His eyes are full of life and love and orneriness. But this picture just filled me with pain. I didn't attach the other two that were taken in sequence, he is starting to cry in one of them. His eyes...it brought back those feelings of trying to get it to sink in that my beloved Brian was dead, that Tye's daddy was NOT coming back, and that this was not just a cruel nightmare, this was real. God, how thankful I am that this picture is not what I see from Tye normally, and that he continues to be the little firecracker he always has been. I did think though, that this picture is an accurate description of how I personally have felt for several years. It hasn't passed, although I do finally feel like it is evolving, and that some happiness is starting to fill my heart.I was also thinking, why is it that I blog and tell you all about it? Well, mostly I am just venting, giving myself a chance to chronicle what I feel and reflect on how I've grown. And also to help you understand me. I have come to realize that many people, including myself, are so judgmental others. I have said it a million times, and I will say it again. I am not just getting over this. You are ignorant if you really think that is how it works. And tonight I am going to thank God that you are so blind to the pain I deal with, because it means you have not had a marriage fall apart in divorce, you do not have to share your children with someone else who is not their parent, you do not have to go a few days here and there on a regular basis, not seeing your children because it "isn't your day", you don't come home to an empty house or crawl in bed alone, and all you can do is imagine how bad it feels to miss someone as much as I miss Brian. For that, I am thankful, because I don't want you to really know. But since you don't know, don't pretend to know or make judgments about me. Don't form an opinion in your mind as to how someone like me should be dealing with things. And certainly don't compare me to anyone else you know who has lost a loved one, we each have our own unique story, our own unique loss, and our own personal grief. You can't truly love someone like I love Brian, and not continue to feel the loss and excrutiating pain on a daily basis, no matter how long it has been. Your judgment of those of us who have lost our spouses only makes it even harder on us. I have enough to deal with, without feeling like I have failed at grieving also. And honestly, I don't know if I really care if you are judgmental, only to the point that I wish I could still make it clear to anyone who cares about someone who is in my situation, give us a break. Love us and take care of us, but for God's sake, don't expect us to conform to your idea of how this whole grieving deal should look like.
Well, I was just rambling and let whatever come out that I felt. Thanks to so many who have indeed allowed me to grieve in my own way because I am finally starting to feel better. Finally. Even I can't predict what will be hard for me, what memory will be painful, and which ones will have evolved back into being cherished memories. It is a process, a lifetime process, because it is a lifetime without him, a lifetime of missing him, and a lifetime of subsequent losses when he is not here once again to do what husbands and dads do.
I've been to bed once tonight, couldn't sleep. Now I finally feel like I got it off my mind, so hopefully I can rest easy.
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