I have decided that I hate Father's Day. Leave aside my feelings for my own father, and the fact that there are other fathers out there who deserve to be recognized and have a special day just for them. I don't care about any of that right now while I am rambling.

What I care about is Tye, and he doesn't have a Daddy. I am so freaking mad about it, and I keep thinking my anger is going to go away. It has been building over the past few months, mostly I think because Tye has been asking a lot about Daddy. Also, he is getting into sports and all that, and Brian would be so darned excited about it all, that it is bittersweet. I am sure most little kids want to spend time with their Daddy. A lot of them probably don't even realize how precious the time is. Tye is the kind of kid that is longing for that.

I took him to meet Grandma tonight so he could at least spend the weekend with Brian's parents. On the way there, he said...so Sunday is Father's Day? I said yes, and that was why I was taking him to spend the weekend at the farm. He said...because it is my dad's father? Yes, I said, and because he is a dad who is missing his son, and you are a son who is missing your dad.

Then we had a long conversation about my mom, and how he knows that I miss my mom. He is so sweet.

I was trying to figure out why it is making me so mad this year. I think it is because no matter how hard I tried, my heart was just so heavy for so long. I spent so much energy trying to survive missing Brian as my husband, while also taking care of missing him as my child's Daddy. I am not past missing him, and have resigned myself that I never will be. I have no idea why, but I looked myself in the mirror today and just burst into tears. I was thinking how I found a man who treated me like I could never have imagined, a man whose smile and laughter could melt my heart, and he is gone. And I don't care how bad it sounds, he was taken from me. And the feelings are surfacing even stronger that he was taken from Tye.

I thought time would make me feel better about it.

Time...hmmm. What is it really? Time to just get used to the situation. Time to tick away and memories to make. We have been working to make the most of what we have been given. While that all sounds great, it is making me mad right now also because I didn't want to just get by, I didn't want to deal with what is left of my family and my marriage, I didn't want this. I want to scream at God and tell him to back things up. I want to beg him to forgive me for whatever God-forsaken things I did to deserve a live without Brian here to love me and to love us. I guess that is what it feels like right now, a punishment. The routine is basically back to normal, the smiles are returning, the future is coming and I want what is in the past.

I could make a list right now of all the things I love to make you and me both feel better about this post, but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing the sugar-coating tonight, and I don't what to have to feel guilty for being ticked and venting on my own blog. I feel like I am going crazy, and I just thought going off and journaling about it might get it out and get me past this hump.

I know Brian loves me. I know he loves me from Heaven. Is it too much to want him still to be here? To have my life back and my family back? Is it terrible to still feel even 27 months later that a hunk of my life is missing, that our family is not complete, and that the blackness of grief still shadows over me?

I am so mad. I want it to go away. I want the feelings of sadness and anger to leave. But I know it never will. Every bleeping Father's Day will bring a stark reminder that our Daddy is dead. Every Father's Day will remind me that I am forced to raise this child alone. I mean what do you seriously write on a soccer form for the dad's name? Deceased? Tye deserved better than this and so did I. I was a good wife to him and he was such a good Daddy. I can never understand the suffering caused by cancer.

I wonder sometimes if I had to much of a perfect life planned out. I never played divorced Barbie, and definitely never played chemo Barbie or brain tumor Barbie or Hospice Barbie. I guess we all mostly expect life to turn out well for us. Go to college, get a job, fall in love, have kids. Grow old with the one you love. I am sure I am like so many others who have let the future run through my mind, and melanoma Ken never came up, so it was never rehearsed in my mind, and neither was being a single mom. And most of all, never was it thought out that I would raise a child with a dead father.

I've answered the hard questions...did it hurt when Daddy died?

I've even recently got the...what will happen to me if you die Mom? question.

Seriously, from a 6 year old, and he knows what it means, because he knows what it is like to have a parent who is never coming back.

I've had the...will I ever see him again? question.

Yep, hopefully not for 80+ years! Wow, now that really makes Heaven exciting to a 6 year old.

How can he wrap his head around it all, when I can't even?

Maybe that is why I am ranting and raving right now, because I have to always keep my cool and have my game face on.

Last Saturday my dad got married. Before I left town for the wedding, I stopped and put flowers from my backyard on my mom's grave. I had already had a rough morning, but thought I had it all together. Then when I put down the flowers, I just shook my head in disbelief that my mom is gone. My eyes wandered beside her to Brian's grave, and I cried and cried.

I didn't have time to be crying. So I just walked away and got in the van. Why are you crying Mom? Because I'm sad. Why? God, how do I explain this.

So I just looked at him and said, I wish my mom and your daddy were still alive, so sometimes I just feel like crying about it.

Ok, Mom. Just take a deep breath. (did I mention how adorable he is?)

Life is not fair. I was stupid to ever think it would be. I can honestly say one of my fears in life was that I would lose someone to cancer, and I am baffled that it happened to me. Just shocked. And I worried that someone I love would die too soon, and it happened to me twice.

Whoaeez Me...(how do you spell that?)

I don't want pity. I'm just feeling like going off tonight about it, and maybe I will feel better in the morning.

I miss how Brian loved me, and I just don't know if I can ever get past the fact that he is gone forever. And it will be the same story in 2011 and 2020 and 2030 and so on. And I will STILL have a son without a Daddy, but by then he will have missed high school and learning to drive and first girlfriends and college and marriage and probably Tye starting his own family. And he'll still be dead. So unfair.

Well, maybe my rant will help me heal and pick up and move on like I have for the last 2 years. It just never gets easier.