In Loving Memory...Never Forgotten

I will never forget my husband. The moments and memories and laughter and tears are all etched in my mind, some as vivid as if they just happened, and others so heartwrenching they cause physical pain. Some fade and are brought back out of no where. Some seem to be too far in the distance, and it hurts to search...the sound of his voice, the smell of him close to me, his touch, the sound of his laughter. March 8th marks the last time I heard Brian laugh. I woke from a stupor, following 3 days on the couch with the worst case of strep throat ever. He was up in the chair, laughing at something with Larry the Cable guy. I remember laying there with my eyes closed, just so happy to hear him laughing, and not moaning in pain, not crying in sadness, not silent in sickness. Just laughing.

And then it was gone. That night began Brian's rapid downward spiral that brought his battle with melanoma to an end. And while I love him enough to want him to be free from the awful beast that was terrorizing him, I am selfish in wanting to hear that laughter again.

Since Brian's death, I have longed to have him remembered. It is my biggest fear that he will be forgotten. I know I won't ever forget. I know a lot of people won't ever. Even so, I seem to find some comfort in tangible things that show his existence. I wanted to start a Brian Halley Foundation to fight melanoma. I wanted to start a Brian Halley Foundation to help families fighting melanoma. I wanted to start a Brian Halley Melanoma Research Foundation. I wanted to build on a Brian Halley Melanoma Research wing somewhere. I wanted to do so much. And I can't rule out that I won't someday do something bigger than I am doing now. But I had to start with what I could handle, both emotionally, and also in the fact that I am a single mom with 3 busy children and a very busy job. I decided early on that small was ok, and doing good in Brian's name can be however I imagine it.

I have several Masses said for Brian each year. Recently there was a Mass for him on Rachel's birthday, which fell the day we went to Mass, so that was special. I always like having the chance for his name to be uttered and his name to be printed in the bulletin, and have the entire church pray for him. Sometimes these Masses make me happy, and other times I struggle to get through. My faith has proven to sustain me in my grief. And I have been completely honest to say that my faith has been a challenge over the past few years, just trying to understand. Last night at Mass, Father asked if we thought the victims in Haiti were any more deserving of suffering than others. I find that I truly believe that is not true, except when it applies to me. I seem to have had my share of heartbreaks, and sitting in church (the same church where I stood at the altar and married Brian, and also stood at the altar and wept over his casket) can sometimes bring more pain than I can bear. Even so, Brian's faith was important to him, and I will continue to do this forever.

My family on my mom's side went together and bought a brick for Royals Stadium that says IN MEMORY OF BRIAN HALLEY WE LOVE YOU and I purchased one also that says TYE'S DADDY BRIAN C. HALLEY 1972-2008. The one from my family was laid last year before opening day, and we were able to see it last fall. I was just notified this week that the other one will be done by opening day in April. I am looking forward to seeing it set in stone.

I am preparing papers for the 3rd annual Brian Halley scholarship. I have no idea how long I will be able to do this because I am funding it out of my pocket, but so far it has been something I can afford and something I have chosen to do in memory of the teacher in Brian, one of the things that was most special to him, and one of the things he and I most enjoyed sharing with each other. I hope I can continue, and other parts of me wonder if I should.

I got the Sunscreen Station off the ground this spring. I funded the whole thing, and while I could care less really how much it costs, I am thinking rationally that I can't keep doing that. I was able to find a source for sunscreen, and then got a bunch of donations from the health center. I swear, my husband did not die in vain, and since I can't bring him back, I want to do everything I can in his name to save others from this horrific, life-threatening, family-destroying disease. The Sunscreen Station was out 4x from June through September, and I just hope to double that this year.

There are tentative plans for a memorial at Maryville Middle School. The idea has been discussed and basically finalized, but finding a good time to get it done seems to be harder than I anticipated. Two summers have passed without having the chance to get anything going, but I am hopeful this year will see our special plans put in place.

Last week, I received pictures from my cousin in Council Bluffs. My uncle (my mom's brother) made donations in memory of several loved ones during St. Albert's building fund campaign. These plaques are in the new elementary school on the wall of memories/donations. Joe and DeLoris are my maternal grandparents, and to those of you who don't know me, I was very close to them. The Kerbers are my aunt Nel's parents. And below them is my mom's name. These were part of one donation.

Then below are two more donations they made, one for Brian, lost in March 2008 to melanoma, and one for my mom and Larry's brother, Gary, lost in April 2009 to complications of renal cancer. I am so thankful to Larry and Nel for making this donation to their Catholic School in memory of my mom and Brian (and my grandparents and Gary). Seeing Brian's name gives me goosebumps.