Football Frustration

Tonight I got a kick in the stomach. I've sat through 3 flag football practices and done ok. Once I could feel a little lump in my throat, with all the daddies running around with their sons. But I choked it back.

Until tonight. Tye's football practice nearly sucked the wind out of me. I love football, but how can I possibly help this child really learn what he needs to know, what Brian would have taught him? I sat close enough that I could watch and listen and try to learn for myself so I can help him. And he SOOOO doesn't know how to play now, other than to tackle and run. He was able to tuck the ball and protect it when it was his turn, and he did indeed yank someone's flag off as he blocked them. Besides that, I felt the kind of anxiety I haven't felt in a long time. My sister said TJ could help. I know he can, and he probably will some. But I want Brian. I want my football-coaching husband to tromp out there with all the other guys and teach him some plays. I want Tye to run and play and get a pat on the back from HIS daddy.

Damn.

It is nights like this when I realize my anger still runs very deep. One day I almost felt a sense of anger towards Brian for leaving me here. I felt so guilty. How selfish! But today it was a feeling, the one where I want to scream at God and tell Him I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be Tye's only parent, I don't want to be without Brian, and I am NOT strong enough to do this.

Wear your football pants. What? What color? What size? Are you kidding, how will I know all this? And I'm a pretty resourceful woman, I can find out. I don't want to find out. I want Brian to take care of it. I want Brian to take him to practice while I fix supper. I want Brian to have daddy/son talks. I want Brian.

I want a lot of things and it simply knocks the wind out of me to be reminded that what I had is lost forever. It made me wonder how many other dads weren't out there because they don't give a crap, and then Tye's dad is dead. The anger just wells up inside of me. I feel so lost. I simply can't fix this for Tye or for me, and knowing that hurts so bad.

Tye has been quite busy at school. He's been in trouble quite a bit...sat out at recess a few times, sat at the 2nd grade lunch table, got sent to the 4th grade room for rest time...I think he was in trouble 3x today. I want someone else to discipline him. I am worn out. There is only so much I can do. We have worked so hard on him going to bed on time and sleeping in his own bed, and that is going well. We've worked so hard on him not telling me no or sticking out his tongue or whining, on him picking up after himself, on him not punching in his "friendly" way, on him listening and not interrupting and not farting and burping and brushing his teeth twice a day and picking up his room and putting his dirty clothes in the laundry and putting his clean clothes away and closing the the refrigerator door and not eating a whole loaf of bread or a whole package of hot dogs and putting his shoes where they belong...

How can I keep up like this? I just want a break, and not the someone kept Tye for the night break...all I want is the let's raise this child together break, the one that was once my life, and was stolen from me. I wonder if I will ever view it differently, because for now, I am very angry. I have been robbed.

I keep reminding myself not to ask why because I don't think I will ever in a million years get an answer that is good enough for me. Nothing could ever negate the fact that Tye is without his daddy and I am without the love of the most wonderful man I ever met. That isn't ever going to go away, and I just wonder sometimes when the sadness will fade.