Weekend Reflections

Father's Day Reflections 2009

Around this time in 2003, I whispered in Brian's ear that he was going to be a daddy. He was shocked, excited, proud, nervous. He was elated. He took super care of me during my pregnancy, which was absolutely wonderful and miserable at the same time, if that is possible. I loved being pregnant with all of my children; and while the girls both caused several months of morning/noon and night sickness, along with constant throwing up, I would have loved to have thrown up with Tye because all I did was just feel like I was going to the whole time, while only actually throwing up sometimes. So with the girls, I would feel like crap and puke and it would be over. Tye was a different story, as I basically just felt sick a lot of the time and had trouble getting past it. Finally by Christmas I was back to just getting sick once in a while. I think Brian was just amazed that I felt so bad, while also being so excited.

I regret that I don't have the email that Brian sent on the day of Tye's birth. I keep waiting, thinking someone will realize they have it and send it to me. I don't think I have it. I want Tye to read it, to know how he felt when Tye was born.

And now, 6 years later, Tye has been without a daddy now for 15 months. 15 long months. 15 short months. 15 very important months. Tye has changed so much since Brian died. Kids that age always change so quickly.

I would be lying if I told you this has been easy, being both a mommy and attempting to fill the role of daddy as much as possible. I am happy to announce that Tye does NOT throw like a girl, so I feel pretty accomplished! He farts and burps and says wienie (which drives me crazy). The girls never did things like that. I mean of course there are little moments of farting and giggling, but nothing compared to a 5 year-old boy. I am amazed how many conversations eventually end up having something to do with farting or burping! I look at him sometimes and wonder if this is normal. Then I remind myself that he is all boy, and I can only hope this will pass. The other day he was sitting on his bed because he wouldn't stop. When he finally could get up, he came in and said...sorry I wouldn't stop farting Mom, and I love you.

The other day he had a pair of boots, about 5 sizes too big, that he was playing with. Somehow they ended up on his feet when he was along in Mom's taxi, and then he took them off. Fast forward to another day when Amberlea and a friend were riding in the van, with Tye next to them. Amberlea was just griping and telling him to stop. I looked in the rearview mirror just as he said...what! I love smelling these boots. He had the boot up to his face like an oxygen mask, and the two girls were just going on and on about how gross it was, and he just kept going on how great it was. He kept waving the boot in their faces and trying to get them to smell, and just giggling like crazy. (I had to finally take the boot).

Today Tye sat through a choir concert and a band concert for Rachel's music camp. We left there and went to the Heart of America Tractor Cruise, which came back in to Northwest later this afternoon. He had to have his picture taken by some different tractors and get a shirt with the same kind of tractor as Papa Halley has on his farm. Someone earlier in the day told me there were 216 tractors! Tye was dying to climb all over them, and he kept saying he really thought Trace would love this. I saw on Jamie's facebook that they were at a tractor pull today, so I guess my nephew already got his fill of tractors for the day!

While we were waiting for the tractors to come, Tye crawled up on a railing and was sitting. When he jumped down he was grabbing himself. I said we could get to the bathroom, and he said...MOM! I don't have to go to the bathroom! I just hurt my pee pee! Then he just readjusted himself and shook his head. (Jeez Mom!)

I have to admit that I have somewhat been pretending that Father's Day wasn't coming. I keep wondering if I will ever be able to enjoy Mother's Day for myself and Father's Day with my own dad and Brian's dad. I did enjoy taking Phillip to T-Rex last year, but it was a bit of a blur. I am trying to come up with a routine for Father's Day, just not sure what I want to do or how I want to celebrate. We will BBQ with my dad tomorrow night with his new smoker we all pitched in and got him! That should be enjoyable at least. Mass tomorrow morning is for Brian. I hate it when the Mass is for him. I love the thought of praying for him and having others remember him; but for me it makes me feel sick. Yet I keep having masses said. I guess it has come to be more important to me to have a Mass for him than worry about my feelings. I know it sounds bad, but I really struggle so much with my faith, and it is hard to be right in church and hear his name said, while I'm wrangling a 5 year-old and seeing all the other families all around church...and tomorrow will be worse with all the dads just glowing from it being their special day, and our daddy is dead. God help me get through this. I will never understand, and I am getting to the point of not even trying to understand, just trying to accept that this is for some awful reason what God had planned for us. Makes me feel so special...to know we were picked to carry this burden. Makes me seriously wonder why. Makes me feel so angry that God didn't save Brian, and makes it very hard to ask for a whole lot else. As bad as it sounds, I rarely ask for anything in my prayers anymore. I am sure I sound sarcastic. I just feel like He's going to do what He thinks is best for everyone, regardless of the pain that gets inflicted on those in the path. I know it sounds harsh, but my life is a harsh reality of God's plan being the only one that matters. I feel forsaken, mostly because I had found true happiness, I had a husband who loved me and our children more than anything. I pray often for God to forgive me for being so angry. I pray that He at least notices that I still believe, despite the gash in my heart and soul.

This isn't really Tye's 2nd Father's Day without Brian...it is actually his 3rd because melanoma stole our last Father's Day together. Brian had just had his first brain surgery on the Thursday before Father's Day, so we spent it in the hospital not seeing our children. A cruel twist. Someone please explain that to me, how they could have had their last Father's Day taken from them. Cancer is so evil. It pays no mind to those on their knees, begging for mercy and begging for a miracle. It inflicts a lifetime of pain, regardless of how long someone lives.

I'm going to try to walk away from that darker version of my feelings...

I feel so blessed to have been the one to make Brian a daddy. He blessed my life in so many way, and loved my daughters as if they were his own. So when the time came to share a life between us, I could not have asked for more joy, more happiness or more love. While we didn't feel our family was complete, as we still had plans for another child, I am so grateful that we met when we did and that Tye was a little surprise...God knew, so He undoubtedly sent Tye our way when we didn't think we were quite ready, so we would have as much time together as possible.

Tye was almost 15 months to the day when Brian's melanoma resurfaced. While I still do harbor so much anger for what this child has lost, I am thankful that Brian was able to live long enough for Tye to really know him, to love him, to remember him.

And Tye definitely has Brian's charm. He can pour it on at the most opportune times. Tonight he brought me a bowl of cereal and a Diet Pepsi because he thought I might be hungry. How adorable.

I am also thankful for Rachel and Amberlea's dad. While our lives have taken dramatic turns from each other and have long since moved on, I am blessed to have had him in my life so that I can be the mother of these two beautiful, amazing, smart, loving daughters.

God help me survive tomorrow.

I better go for now. Tye is desperately needing my help because he accidently changed something on the t.v. He came running and said...something is wrong with the Dalmatians movie because I can't understand the words. I listened and could hear bon jour, so I'm guessing he changed it to French...gotta go.