I Quit!

Today I quit! Today it hurts too bad. More than before.

I have had an awful week. It has literally been within every avenue of my life. Each branch is drooping, some branches are broken. And I'm just tired. I spent a few minutes at my old house. I am closing on Friday, for which I am so thankful to God for finding a new family for my home. Amberlea was with me and she said...Mom, sometimes I miss this house. I said...me too. As we left, I was thinking that what I really miss is what I had at that house. My life was there, our home was full of happiness and love. Brian was there.

So I don't know if selling the house is what is making this such a rough week. I just tucked kids into bed tonight and thought that I just want to quit. This widow thing totally sucks and I just want to crawl in bed with the covers over my head and stay there for as long as I feel like. Even tea and fritos can't help me now (see my other blog here for that story). It has been one of those weeks that I can just see it all piling up. Like I forgot it is my bus duty week. And I actually don't mind bus duty because I like getting to see the other kids. It just catches you off guard when you don't plan on it. So when I found out it was my week, I was totally not surprised because that was just icing on the cake. The only thing better would be to have morning duty on top of the fact that it is my morning recess duty week. I love those weeks when I am stretched so thin I can't think straight. At least then, I don't have time to actually think about being a widow.

This single mom crap is a barrel of fun too. I am pulled in several directions. I have people in my life who can help me, but who are also very busy. I simply can't be in two places, and days like tomorrow just pour salt in the wound of being alone. Tye has to be at baseball at the same time I have to be at open house. Don't ever take for granted the life you have because something nasty can come along and take it all away. Where the C word is involved, it could care less how much you need that person and love that person. It shows no mercy. It laughs in the face of a mommy who would love a daddy to run kids to baseball and other activities. It laughs at a woman who longs for her husband to come in the door and put his arms around her.

My emotions are taxed today. I'm not sure what my next steps will be. Hawaii sounds good right now. Seriously. I would even settle for a resort in Mexico, but with the target on my back, no doubt I would bring home the swine flu because I simply can't catch a break. Maybe my house selling is my break for now, which I will gratefully accept. I try so hard not to feel sorry for myself, and not to wish harm on others. But I am simply baffled by the way life is, and how certain people suffer like Job, and others always land on their feet. I would like to land on my feet a few times Lord, so I might have the strength to get up again and serve You.

I read another widow's post tonight, and I realized something that may seem very obvious. The woman I was before I lost Brian is gone. The mommy is gone. The before mommy. The before sister and the before daughter. I am the after woman, and what there is, is simply what is left after the storm. I look in the mirror and I want the before mommy back. I want to know why I can't just have my happy little family. I want to know why God picked me. And then other times, I don't care because any reason He gives me will not take away the pain of losing Brian. And although I still work every minute of every day to live this, I know I absolutely HAVE to walk by faith and live my life, knowing that God is leading me and guiding me. I beg him everyday to spare me this pain, to heal my heart, to help my children while I continue to suffer. And day after day, I still feel alone. Every once in a while I get a glimpse that God is taking care of things. I made myself, forced myself, to turn my house over to God, to believe only HE could take care of this. And He did. And surprisingly, I owned two homes for almost a year, and the stress over this was never unmanageable. I always kept asking him to take care of this for me, and I am thankful that I left it in His hands. Now I just need to get Him to take care of some other things for me, some things far greater to me than my home...my heart, my mind, my own well-being. The part that makes me, me. The part that makes me who I am and who Brian loved.

I am rambling. Thanks for listening. I think I just needed to get some feelings down. I have actually stopped crying for now. I can't figure out this whole crying thing. It is like a dam just fails once in a while, unexpectedly, and the floodgates open up for how ever long my heart needs to empty out...sometimes a quick cry, sometimes much longer like this week. I think maybe some of it is that I have not had a break for so long, and I simply don't have time for that right now.

I haven't mentioned that there is a memorial dedication in Unionville on Friday night (May 1st). It is at the baseball field where Brian played as a child. I had a flag and pole and lights put up, and Tye and Dallas are scheduled to raise the flag before the first game on Friday. I think the game is at 5pm. It has been raining. It is supposed to rain tomorrow. And Friday. So at this rate, I can almost imagine that the game will be rained out, in which case we will reschedule. I just can't catch a break.