What Thine Eyes Hath Seen

Gosh darn it, if I can't seem to get away from the thoughts of Brian. I mean I don't really WANT to get away from him. After all this time, I still think of him with every breath. He is still my life, my strength. I try to run from the thoughts of him. Sometimes I'm running from the thoughts that take my breath away, thinking of his touch, his smell, his smile, his voice...can I remember his voice? But oh how it hurts to remember his voice. And other times I am running from the thoughts of him dying, of death, of loneliness...running back to the thoughts of good times.

Most of the time I am running in circles, never really finding a good spot to stop. I let down my guard briefly, and one of the two types of pain creeps in. There are days, and the last few have been that way, that I just can't stop. My mind is wanting to remember everything. I find myself shaking off the thoughts of him, the memories of our life, the what if's and the never has been's, the never will be's and the longing to go back to the days in which I felt such pure happiness. I was thinking today that I realized I think I already know what Heaven feels like...I've felt it before and I can only imagine how much more wonderful actual Heaven will be. I just don't know how I can survive waiting so long. I think about dying. I think about being dead and being with Brian. I think about this horrible feeling going away forever. I think about how time doesn't affect Brian anymore, and how I alone have to endure the days and weeks and months and years until I see him again. I think I am ok and then I think I am not. I initially felt guilty to say that I longed to be with Brian. But I've come to realize that wanting to be with him and wanting to actually be dead are two different things. I don't want to be away from my children. I want to live out a life to the fullest, just because Brian would have wanted that for me. I want to make a difference.

But I really want to be with him.

Thanks to Abby's mommy for reminding me that April is National Donate Life Month. Brian gifted two people with those amazing eyes of his. The link below is a story about someone else who received the gift of sight, and would give you an idea of Brian's gift. Please consider donating life and discuss it with your loved ones so they know your wishes.

http://www.donatelife.net/StoriesOfHope/TVAds.php?TVSpot=/TVAds/John_TV_30.swf&TVSpotName=John

I was determined to follow Brian's wishes. I did wonder what I would think about part of his body still being alive. I like it. I love it really. I love the thought of him looking out over Kentucky somewhere, helping someone else see the beauty of each day. (Kentucky is where one of the corneas went). I love the sinister thought that melanoma didn't get the last word, that Brian still lives on in our hearts, and most definitely in the eyes of another.

What thine eyes hath seen
others looked away
so unbelievable, so unfair
love ripped from the depths of my being

What thine eyes hath seen
the suffering
the pain
the sorrow and loss
the ocean of grief

What thine eyes hath seen
unconditional love
a loss comparable to none
a broken heart

What thine eyes hath seen
the look of a boy without his Daddy
the hole in the heart of a widow
the missing


What thine eyes hath seen
could not compare
to the glory that will someday be
within my sights, within my reach


What thine eyes hath seen
only God could know
the imprint on heart
and my soul


What thine eyes hath seen
a glimpse of Heaven
a joy abounding
a love that death cannot define

~Jenni