This and That

Tye: Know what we're talkin' 'bout? (at school)
Me: No, what?
Birds!
Wow, birds? What are you...
and bees, bees too.
(Me choking and giggling). Bees?
Yeah, bees, you know, lots of letter B's. Do you know what starts with B? Birds!
(I am just dying laughing).
You know about the ABC's, right Mom?

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What was I going to be if I was a girl?
You mean what were you going to be named?
Yeah, if I was a girl baby.
Kate.
Yeah, right...I don't want to name my new calf Kate if it is a girl. But I like Kate.
Mommy and Daddy liked Kate too. Maybe you can name your daughter Kate.
Daughter!?!?
You know if you get married someday.
Married? I'm not getting married. Who would I marry?
I don't know, I guess a girl that you fall in love with.
Can't I just marry you, Mom?
No, you can't marry your mom Tye.
But will you still love me if I get married?

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Tess is getting ready to have her baby any day now, hopefully this weekend when Tye is on the farm.
I'm going to be a grandpa!
Yes, I guess you are. Do you want to call and check on Tess?
(Giggling) MOM! Tess doesn't have a phone!
(duh Mom!)

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So Tye is hyped up for the impending birth of his first calf. We are keeping our fingers crossed that the new addition will arrive when Tye is there. The new calves are starting to come, so we'll see. He has told everyone he sees. He has decided to name his calf Howard. It has been quite a discussion on the fact that we are not sure that the baby is a boy. He is pretty sure, since he is a boy, that the new calf will also be a boy.

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So how is the baby calf going to get out?
Well, that sounds like a question for Papa! (I'm still thinking of how to answer this honestly and age-appropriately)...
So how did I get out of your tummy?
(Whoa, dang I was hoping to avoid that just yet). I just went to the hospital and the doctor got you out?
So he cut your tummy?
(me still trying to be honest)...Well, no he didn't cut my tummy. But doctors have a way of getting a baby out.
Oh, right.
(satisfied for now, but there are still a lot of calves to be born, this year and in the future!)

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The kids keep me really busy, chasing them around to various activities. Amberlea had her last basketball game tonight, and I was thinking how much she has improved over the past weeks. Rachel is getting ready for another tournament this weekend.

I have my up's and down's. Today was ok. The weekend, not so much. I cried every time I turned around, and I have found it to be the hardest when it comes out of no where. I woke up Saturday morning, and after looking at my watch, realized it was the 21st. Only 4 more weeks until Brian has been gone a year. And where am I? Has time healed anything? Is my life even in motion, or am I still just treading water? I have found that the weekends are the most difficult for me. The weekdays keep me busy, but I miss Brian the most on the weekends. We spent every weekend together, considering we had the same schedule as teachers, and we always looked forward to the time together. Now, my weekends seem mundane, quiet, lonely. I've been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about how I have blinked and a year is nearly gone. I think back to where I was a year ago, and all I do know is I was married to a wonderful man who was suffering terribly. But I still heard "Sweetie" everyday, and I still felt his warm kisses, and saw his smile in the midst of agony. My feelings are mixed. More and more, I find myself turning off my feelings, simply because I know in my heart that I did not want him suffering. I am just amazed that I had to give him up to let him know peace. Again, I've said it many times...we weren't perfect, but we loved each other deeply, madly, unconditionally...and I can only pray that everyone might know that kind of love in their own lifetimes. I am just so sad to think it is gone, and here I am, 35 years old.

I find the anger to be resurfacing. I'm angry at so much....stupid comments people make about parenting and marriage, being the only one to decide what happens with Tye, being left here to fend for myself. I'm angry that so many people have cancer...sheesh, I swear that nearly ever person I know who is sick, has cancer. It is destroying our families, like a stalker that doesn't show mercy or favoritism or a conscience.

As Lent approaches, I have been praying for a way through the grief. I have cried out to God to carry me through the trenches. Is He? People say He is. I am trying so desperately to let Him. I am trying so hard not to be angry at Him, and to let Him lift me. I am reading a book by Kristin Armstrong (Lance Armstrong's ex), which is basically a daily prayer reflection she wrote after the death of her marriage. So many things have given me a chance to reflect, and I can only pray that these days of Lent might take me through the desert to the other side. I am actually expecting to still have some sand in my shoes by the time Easter rolls around, but I can only hope God swoops in and carries me for a while...