Heart Day Reflections

I was naturally a bit concerned how I would feel about Valentine's Day. To be honest, it has been difficult. I often tell people it is "kind of what I expected" and that's how I feel about this too. I just mostly feel empty and I really miss Brian. I handled the week pretty well, mostly because I was so swamped with a 5th grade Presidents' Day project. They dressed up on Thursday for Abe Lincoln's 200th birthday. They also held a Presidential Showdown where they collected as many Presidents as they could (aka pennies, quarters, $1 and $5 bills, etc.). They raised around $234 for the Abrielle Neff Foundation. Check out the website if you want more information. http://www.abriellenefffoundation.org/ So that proved to be a welcome distraction, and I kept pretty busy counting money during my class Valentine's Day party.

Then it hit. That evening I was searching through old emails, looking for a specific one that I thought I might still have, that had someone's email address that I needed. I scrolled through lots in the inbox, then on to the sent box. I finally clicked on the subject to sort that way. As I got to the letter S, it came at me like a ton of bricks on my heart. Notice the way each of these emails start...

August 16, 2007 9:38 a.m.
Sweetie,
How is your day going? I haven't done anything so far except drink coffee, watch Deadliest Catch, and clean up the icons on our Desktop.
Can you write to me and say what it is I am taking so I can look on MPIP (our online support group) and use it in either asking something or replying to something? (by this point, he didn't have any idea what drugs he was on because he didn't want to know "unless I want to know").
Hope that all goes well for the rest of the morning and afternoon.
...and back,
Brian

August 17, 2007 10:05 a.m.
Sweetie,
Well how has it gone today? Have you had Rachel in class today? If so, did she slip up and call you mom again?
I am in the fantasy football mood. I have been checking websites about rankings and I am ready go start studying to players and buy a magazine from Wal-Mart to finish my study.
I hope the rest of your day goes great and that leads to a great weekend.
...and back,
Brian

September 15, 2007 11:49 a.m.
sweetie,
where is the recording that i could listen to lady that the anti-ctla? (treatment he received in Chicago) i thought you said it was on the blog but i must not be able to find it? notice i am not capitalizing anything this shift key thing is really making me mad. (Our shift key was stuck) i am also trying to find the hotel reservations for chicago but can't find that e-mail from maureen. Do you know where it is? just to look at it and be nosey you know.
how is your day going?
...and back,
Brian

September 26, 2007 9:52 a.m.
Sweet Thing,
How is today so far? I know that it is early but I just wanted you to know that I love you from the bottom of my heart and always will.
...and back,
Brian

October 2, 2007 11:38 a.m.
Sweetie,
Have I told you that I love you?
...and back,
Brian

October 3, 2007 10:40 a.m.
Sweetie,
Yeah, go ahead and ask him (responding to me asking if he wanted his brother to go with us to Chicago). I don't know if he will come because of the shop needing to be open on Friday for appointments made earlier. I hope he can come.
Did Litofsky (neurosurgeon) say how long the surgery would take? I wonder if they would use the same opening in my skull or if they have create a new opening? I know they will probably have to open my skin somewhere else, unless since they only used glue to seal me up, could they use it again and re-glue. I don't know if I know what I'm talking about. (by this point, there was no beating around the bush about anything, so he just got straight to the point about what he was worrying about).
Just rambling and wondering.
...and back,
Brian

October 3, 2007 11:55 a.m.
Sweet thing,
Is my wallet in the van or in your purse? I was thinking of ordering Mr. Goodcents.
If you need me to go over anything for you for Friday, Monday, or Tuesday (?) to help you get ready, just leave it here and I will do it. (getting ready to be gone to Chicago)
...and back,
Brian

October 3, 2007 12:10 p.m.
Sweetie,
I found some money so I thought I would just go ahead and order a sandwich. Nevermind about my wallet.
I LOVE YOU!
...and back,
Brian

At first, I sobbed, almost wailed because I wasn't expecting it. The first one I opened was the one where he said he loves me from the bottom of his heart. Once I got past the shock, I naturally searched, somewhat frantically, for more emails. There were several others, a few too personal to share, as far as him griping about what melanoma was doing to his body. I had finally gotten myself back together when I got to about mid-October. And then there are no more emails. They just stop suddenly. I was basically with him nonstop from this point forward, so of course, he had no reason to be emailing me at school. I felt the floodgates open again and I just bawled because I couldn't read again what he would have said to me. There was nothing else. I tried to think back to things we talked about. I was happy that I could still remember some things. I went upstairs to wash my face and get it together, and I saw the notes in my bathroom. I have framed notes from him, a few that were written in Jan/Feb before his death. That was nice to see. By the time it was all done, I actually felt a bit like smiling. I crawled into bed that night and though, sheesh, this is going to be a long weekend.

Then...my son asked me to be his Valentine! I got goosebumps. This morning TJ (my brother-in-law) asked if Tye could run around with him and Don (my nephew) for a while. That worked out great because Amberlea went with me to workout and run to the store, since Rachel spent the night with a friend. While we were at the store, we were trying to decide on some yummy food for tonight (mostly because I don't want to be out eating with all the other couples that will be out). Amberlea was the worst person to have with me because she only wants junk! I said...just tell me what you like for me to make. She said...I know what you have all the time that is great...you have love for us. I got a bit choked up! How sweet was that! (and a bit corny) She still didn't help me figure out the food, so I decided on pulled pork.

Then I went to get Tye at TJ's, and he met me at the door with a red rose, saying Happy Valentine's Day Mom!

So my day has been ok so far, thanks to being surrounded by loved ones.

On a side note, Rachel called me when I was at the store. She was across the street at McD's and could see my van. I said...oh hi, so you miss me? She said...no, I don't miss you...well, I miss you, but I'm not crying over it and I don't want to come back just yet.

Ahh...the fun of raising a preteen! She and I giggled and we chatted briefly about plans I have for the kids for the day. I'll share some of that later.

Cherish the ones you love because tomorrow is not promised to any of us.
Jenni