Remembering the Life of My Husband

So this post is all about what it was like to have Brian living (as opposed to dying). Today is our 6th anniversary.

Brian sent me flowers only a few days after we met. He sent me flowers on Tye's first birthday to tell me thank you again. He sent me flowers last year on the first day of school. A few times he brought flowers home for now reason, other than he knew I loved them.

He hated my porcupine meatballs, but didn't tell me about it until I had made them several times. He also avoided pot pies and pizza rolls and funnel cakes. I always thought this was funny, how particular he was about these foods because otherwise he basically ate anything. He ordered new things off menus all the time, most of the time loving whatever. He totally loved going to Red Lobster during Shrimp Fest, and could almost make himself sick on shrimp scampi and shrimp linguine. He once told the waitress not to bother even bringing him his baked potato because he was going to gorge himself on shrimp. He tried lobster ravioli once and loved it too.

He wanted to go to Scotland. He liked the way they talk, and wanted to see the countryside. We made a list of all the places we never went as kids that we wanted to take our kids (who knows if we would have been able to). He didn't have a big love of swimming, which made it a bit difficult for us, since the girls and I are fish. When he was sick one summer, we found out his cancer had grown and he was going to go back to Columbia for chemo. He said that day, call and get us a room at the Great Wolf Lodge so we can take the kids. So I called at like 9pm and we left around 11am the next morning. I was surprised because he's not a water-lover, but he said he wanted to spend it doing something for us all to have fun. Afterwards he said he had really enjoyed spending time in the pool and playing in the water. I think that was the last time he went swimming, which was July 2006.

When Tye was born he had to stay over a few extra days because he was jaundiced. Then we came home with a light for a night, and ended up back again (total of 5 extra nights). Brian was about to stroke out, and he carried Tye down the hallway in the hospital in his carrier, and walked straight past the nurse and burst through the nursery door and just sat him down...he said...do something with him! The nurse was kind of taken back...she didn't know that the day before they had let us sit in the nursery with him (he was the only baby that day), so she was shocked I think that he stepped into the nursery. She looked at him like maybe we might need to check him into the hospital too!

Prior to Brian being re-diagnosed, he barely could step foot in a hospital, go to an appt. or have his blood drawn. He didn't think he would make it through Tye's birth, and my mom reassured him that if he passed out, they would take care of me first! I think when Tye was born he was so worried about me and helping me that it all happened so fast, and he didn't have the chance to get all lightheaded. He wrote a long email, and if anyone for whatever reason might still have that email, I would like it to copy off and put in Tye's baby book...anyway, he wrote a really long email detailing Tye's birth, and emailed it to his faculty/staff and several of our friends. I didn't know about the email's details until several days passed and people would make comments. Finally I said, I think I need to see what he wrote! That is why I would like to see it again, so let me know if you have it...I think it would be special to Tye to know what Brian's view of his birth was like (I guess I didn't think of it as that important then, but now it is like a gem). What I do remember is that it was borderline TMI (too much information) and he said that "the baby just flopped out". Anyone that remembers Tye's birth surely also remembers Brian's baby glow!

Speaking of finding out I was pregnant...I was actually in the hot tub (he did like hot tubs) with Brian and the girls, and I thought to myself...hmmm. It just kind of hit me that maybe I might be pregnant. I was glad it was summer because we didn't have the hot tub turned up too high. The longer I sat there, I thought...maybe I should get out just in case. Brian said...you just got in. I leaned over and whispered that maybe I shouldn't be in the hot tub. I stepped out and was drying off, and the girls were splashing him (they always forgot that our hot tub was not a swimming pool). I looked over and thought he might not be breathing! Over the next few days I started thinking this might really be the case. Tye was a bit of a surprise, but not a shocker. Then a few days later when I was throwing up, he came in the bathroom and said...yep, I think you're pregnant.

When we had our ultrasound, the tech got a pretty good laugh out of Brian because he kept saying...how many toes are there, and how many fingers, and why can't you see all the fingers and how many legs and how many heads and so on and the tech was like...uh, one head. Brian said...I was just making sure, you know, I didn't want to screw this up. I was giggling so hard, which was difficult with a very full bladder and Tye sitting in just the right spot. So finally I got up when we were done, and I went in the bathroom. The second I sat down, I thought I would puke (if you don't know, I was very sick with all three kids). So I finally finished and was heaving in the trashcan, and Brian was tapping on the door. I wasn't where I could really answer him, so he started kind of banging on the door. When I could, I opened the door and he said, I was just about to bust this door down, and I could have I think. Then we both laughed because it was one of those big, heavy hospital doors...

When I met Brian, he watched racing and football all day on Sunday while doing all the week's laundry and ironing, etc. He hung his pants exactly a certain way, he folded his socks a certain way. That changed...ha!

Brian was one of the most interesting people I ever have known. As dorky as it might sound, we really enjoyed talking about education and history. He knew so much, and he wanted to learn so much more.

He watched items on eBay all the time. He wanted to get the best deal. He enjoyed surfing the net for discussion groups on the Royals. He once researched all the episodes of CSI: Miami and made a word document to keep track of them all. He would check them off when we had seen them. He was always pretty proud of himself when he found one that was a new one. He liked watching Crossing Jordan, and was really ticked that he never did see the second part of one episode that was continued. He would have been disappointed in Jeff Gordon's performance this year, but I like to think Jeff had a vibe that one of his die hard fans was gone...

Living with Brian was amazing. He was very loving and affectionate. Amberlea commented the other day how much she missed his hugs. I missed the nibbles on the neck, the eyebrows each morning when he saw me. I always felt beautiful in his eyes. I was so caught off guard by his acceptance of the girls. I don't know what I expected, but he treated them like gold. He always put us first, financially, socially, whatever the girls needed. It was what he struggled with so much in the last year, not being able to "take care of us". I miss him taking care of me...

Brian only had a few requests for our wedding...candles and violins. Our wedding was so beautiful. I was so happy. I could feel how happy he was, and felt so blessed that God had brought us together. I thought I might have a panic attack out in the hall before coming down the aisle. My dad was there to calm me down. I think I just couldn't believe this wonderful thing was happening to my life, after surviving such sadness and disappointment from my first marriage. I prayed that if God had someone for me, that he would find his way to me and he would be good for my soul; and if not, that I could be at peace, being alone. So when I looked down the aisle at him, I felt so overwhelmed with God's love, and felt so rewarded for being a faithful servant, for continuing to have faith and believe. You can imagine my sorrow when I walked down the same aisle, following Brian's casket just 5 years later. (oops, this is supposed to be about living)

Brian chose Tye's name. Craig was a given, but the Tyler/Tye part was up in the air. He wanted Brett, we both liked Drew...I had several T names I liked. When he told me he liked Tye, I agreed because it sounded like it fit our family. Brian also chose Tye's name if he had been a girl. It would have been Kate after Brian's Grandma Kathleen Halley. He just wanted Kate, no Kaitlyn or Katie. I always thought that was funny because he totally did not want Tate or Nate or Payton or Tayton or any of the other "ates" I had thrown out. But he loved Kate. He really thought Tye would be a boy because "all the kids in his family are boys"...Phillip's only brother Roger has one son Dallas, and then of course Brian and Todd. So he wasn't at all surprised that we had a boy. He was completely banking on Todd's baby being a boy too (a.k.a. my nephew Trace). He really wanted to have another baby, we both did. We had talked about names, and he wanted Kate again. He thought we needed a T name for a boy and said we missed the boat with Trace (he liked that name), which meant Trey was out...we have family named Trenton and Trevor, so I don't know where he would have gone with that since Todd was out also. But I think he thought another baby would be a little girl, and Kate it would be. I can't imagine having another child to take care of right now, so God must have know the right thing. Even so, I can never explain the disappointment in my heart, knowing there was another baby twinkling in Brian's eye, and it never came to be. I shared my feelings with several people, some of which were surprised, several who reminded me how lucky I am to have Tye, a few who understood that having Tye and Rachel and Amberlea didn't change that our family wasn't complete yet.

I chuckle at people who have their lives all planned out. Go to college, get married, buy a house, have a baby (it's a boy), wait 2-3 years, have another baby (it's a girl), buy a car, buy some furniture...things just falling into place. How is it that this plan works for so many, and others are shattered by the loss of the dream? (oops, here I go again) One thing I gained from the loss of Brian was the understanding that things just frankly don't go my way. When my pictures weren't all ready before Christmas on my way to Unionville, I was just kind of thinking hmmm. I was thinking, well, my husband is dead, who cares about the pictures being on time? (oops, better get back on track)

Brian loved his job. I know I have said it many times, but I was always amazed at his love of his work. I, on the other hand, was so unbelievably overwhelmed with my job (and still am sometimes) that I had a hard time feeling the love. Being with him helped me better appreciate my job, and the support of my friends at St. Gregory's helped me grow to love my job. I didn't hate my job, I just realized when I lived with him that I did about 5x the work he did, aside from grading papers. He planned a week's worth of social studies classes, which meant 1 lesson a day that he taught 5 times. I teach 4 different grade levels and about 8 different curricular areas, so my week's worth of planning entailed 8 lessons a day x 5 days. It meant 3 social studies classes (one 5th, one 6th, one 7th)...right there was triple the work he did, aside from the grading like I said. I am thankful for him in my life because I think he helped me get in a groove and adjust to those responsibilities. We both came to realize the advantages of both types of teaching. I think I became more confident in my teaching abilities, and planning and carrying out those lessons became second nature. Even now, I come home and long to have him to share my teaching experience with.

I was blessed to have him support my goals in life. We wanted the same things, we believed in the same things. We both loved being with each other. I'm totally taking this from another blogger, so it isn't my wording...but I loved being BrianandJenni. BrianandJenni had goals, BrianandJenni had dreams, BrianandJenni always did what was best for BrianandJenni, and BrianandJenniandRachelandAmberleaandTye, for that matter. And BrianandJenni is history. We'll always be BrianandJenni to some extent because he is etched in my heart. But we can't live as BrianandJenni when he is in Heaven and I am here. Our close communication doesn't exist, our close feelings don't exist, having him there to support me...I don't feel it. I think BrianandJenni will always exist just because I became the best I could be with him. I don't necessarily mean that is over, just that he brought me to a place in my life that made me realize life was good, and for that I am blessed.

Thanks for letting me share a few memories.