No ZZZZZZZ's

I can't sleep. It has been brewing for a few days, just been restless. Now tonight, hmmm...



I've been trying to do a little birthday shopping online. I think that might be some of it. I am amazed that a year has passed. I tried to look back at the pictures from a year ago, but my heart was filled with the pain of missing him, and my head was filled with the anger of being alone. I don't necessarily want to stay in this part of my life. But it is so difficult having life just go on. Sometimes it is like I never get a break. I was pretty proud of how I survived the holidays, and then to be slammed with our anniversary and the upcoming birthdays of our children, sheesh. Tye and Amberlea were counting today how many days until their birthdays, and I could feel the lump forming in my throat. I am trying so hard to figure out how to celebrate Tye's birthday with no daddy. What a tragic thing. I think of how hard my birthday was the first summer my mom was gone, and I was turning 33, not 5! Then I remember that Tye is younger and won't see it as I did with my mom, thinking of all I had with her, and all the lost memories that could have been. And that maybe is what makes it even harder for me with Tye and Brian, because regardless if he doesn't realize, I do. I know all the memories that would be there, all those special moments that would be happening, and we were just robbed. Tye crawled in bed the other night and said...someday when my Dad comes back...and I interrupted and said...remember, Daddy isn't coming back, but you'll see him again someday in Heaven. He sighed and said...yeah, but IF he came back, we could go on some adventures together. He closed his eyes and dozed off, and I sobbed. I haven't slept well since then, letting all the fantasy adventures run through my head, thinking of all the lazy fathers out there who don't take the time to go on adventures with their kids because they are too busy or just don't care. And all the adventures Tye will ever have with Daddy will be in his dreams.

God, I hate cancer. As much as I want to let it go, I can't help but remember every day that it ruined my life. It stole my hopes and dreams and it crushed my spirit, whether I wanted it to or not, whether I pretended it did or not. There are a lot of things cancer can't do, and I try to focus on that. But the fact remains that cancer did kill my husband, it did make me a widow, it did take Tye's Daddy and Rachel and Amberlea's stepdad, it did leave me alone, and it did crumble my family. We will always be a family, and Brian's death won't change that. But I can't ignore the fact that what I had been blessed with in my marriage with Brian was taken from me. Why God wouldn't have wanted us to keep sharing our love with each other and our children, I will never understand. Why? The world can be so evil, and why does cancer have to be added to the mix? For God sakes, the people of our world are killing each other already. There is enough violence and sadness caused by humans, why this? And in the end, what exactly are the full ramifications of Brian's death, of our misery, of our loss?

People say time heals, but I don't agree. Time just gets you to a place of dealing with things differently. I mean, how can a woman really get over having her husband die in her arms, or a mother really ever come to terms with losing a child? What time does do is make people forget, make people revert to their old, selfish habits, make people continue to take their loved ones for granted and forget to count their blessings because no one is dying in front of them.

Gosh, just when I think that some of the bitterness is settling, it rears its head. It is ok though, if it is there, it needs to get out. The anger I feel seems often to be suppressed, shoved down in hopes that it will just go away. I so often feel like I'm stuck on a wheel, that I am shedding the same tears as last week, and the week before. Then I realize that they feel different, for whatever reason. Right now the tears feel the most mournful of all that I have shed...they feel mostly angry at cancer and sad for the loss of my husband, for the loss of the dream of the life we had. They feel especially sad for the miracle I believed in. I know I have said it many times, but that seems to be something that keeps coming up in my mind, in my heart, in my tears...that feeling of abandonment, that feeling that I learned something about my faith that I didn't want to learn...that feeling of knowing that no amount of faith can save a loved one. It is a misconception, I think, because I fooled myself. I came to believe with every fiber of my being that God would prevail. Ultimately, He did for the sake of Brian, as I know he is at peace. But you and I both know, and God himself knew best, what my heart and mind truly believed, and only God knew how much I trusted Him to save Brian. And that is maybe the 2nd hardest thing about all this...1st just missing Brian and living my life without him, but 2nd, living a life knowing that I believed in something that did not happen. I literally tell myself over and over again when I pray now, that I just have to keep doing this, that I still believe, and I do, and that by still continuing to pray, I can show God that I won't waver in my faith, that I continue to believe, and that I'll continue to keep my side of the covenant. I can't speak for Him, but I know that I will never understand the feeling of believing He would deliver us, and realizing He either couldn't (I thought all things were possible with God) or wouldn't (why didn't we deserve this). I have a feeling these thoughts and struggles will be with me for a long time. I pray daily that I might find a way through the murky waters, that I might find a way to either forgive God (which is difficult to understand when I believe He is perfect) or to understand how the pain and suffering that continues to be a part of my daily life, my loneliness and heartache for a man I love so much...how that could possibly be good for the divine plan. I have racked my brain so much to understand, and I looked in the mirror the other day and thought, I don't even really want to know because no reason is good enough for me. I just try to accept that the Great Designer must know what He is doing, and I don't have to know. So I guess what I really should be doing is trying to forgive myself for the anger I feel, and to figure out how to repair my relationship with God. I don't expect it to happen overnight. I just struggle with how it will happen. I know this sounds terrible too, but I struggle with the realization that in order to understand, I am going to have to accept Brian death, and that is something I can never do.

Gosh, I lost it tonight. Thanks for listening, and hopefully for praying for me that I figure out a way to move past this. I feel as angry about his death today as always, and with Tye's birthday coming fast, I feel so letdown. I looked at Tye tonight and was thankful to have that part of Brian still with me.