It is Not All Well, But I'm Getting There

In one of the many books I've read over the past year, I have one line that keeps sticking in my mind.

I have to go through this pain to get on the other side of it...

Lately I feel like I'm deep in the trenches.

We didn't have school today. I decided to spend the day alone and go on a much-needed shopping trip for Christmas presents. I can't seem to focus, which makes it difficult to get much done. Often times I just roam around aimlessly.

I decided to head to K.C. because I had enough time, and I've been to St. Joe recently. I went to Nebraska Furniture Mart first because I am in dire need of a new table and chairs, or even just new chairs. I wasn't planning to purchase these until the other house sold, but now I'm down to 2 chairs, one of which is iffy. The others are out of commission. We've been babying our chair situation for over a year now, and I just keep putting it off. Over the weekend I lost another chair, and figured today would be a good day to find an inexpensive set. It wasn't really in my Christmas budget, so for the most part I am browsing unless I find what I want that fits my price range. I didn't anticipate this stop to spark so much anxiety. I walked around for about 20 min. Each trip through the dining sets caused more and more anxiety. I thought of the day we bought our furniture for our other house. We enjoyed taking our time and mulling over things, trying to agree. I missed that so much. I could feel the tears starting to come. I sat down at one table and just put my hands on my head. I was trying to get my head back on straight when the sales guy walked up and asked if he could help me. I told him I was fine, just looking. He looked at me very compassionately, kind of like..."hey, lady, please don't cry over about this, I can help you decide which table." He must have sensed I didn't need an audience because he went on his way, and I tried to keep the tears off the table that didn't belong to me. Finally I took a deep breath and high-tailed it out of there before I had a second wave of grief.

I headed over to Target, then came back to walk around Legends. There was no one there. I felt so alone. I realized that I think I've been in a time warp. I was thinking about the time that Brian dropped the girls and me off because Tye was asleep in the van, and we made a quick run through Legends to get them new shoes. I seriously feel like that was just a few weeks ago. My memory is so heightened, I remember every detail. We drove through Sheridan's after that. And Brian was complaining that it was too difficult to get out of the parking lots! I can't even remember when that was. Based on what I do know, that has to have been at least close to 2 years ago, probably longer, but it sure doesn't feel like it. It is like my memories with Brian were frozen in time.

I also walked through JCPenney's. I hadn't been in that particular store, and sure enough, I trapsed right through the men's section. This has been bothering me a lot lately, not having Brian on the list to buy for, or even to look for. I was fighting back the tears, and finally just plopped down on a bench to sit for a minute. It helped me get my head back on straight. By then, I was getting really tired of the Christmas music. One song was something about it being a very special Christmas...

I didn't even look toward the Kansas Speedway...too many special memories there.

It seemed that everywhere I went reminded me of Brian.

I finally made my way back to Hobby Lobby in St. Joe. I was looking through some possible Christmas presents when I heard the music. I thought to myself...nice, not Christmas music for once. Then I walked a few steps and froze.

The song was familiar. I knew the tune right away. At first I thought it surely wasn't what I thought. It was hard to tell because it was only the music, no words. I took a few more steps. No, I was right, it was this song. They played it at the hospice memorial service a few weeks ago, and it was the first time I had heard it. I had come home that night and searched for it on the Internet to hear it again.

Surprisingly, this was the first time I had somewhat of a good feeling come over me, instead of being angry at something that made me think of Brian. Here it is if you want to listen...

It is Well With My Soul by Horatio Spafford

Be sure to read the story behind this...it was written in the midst of very deep grief, following subsequent losses.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=3a0175c544b72e4861b9

I don't think I can say things are well with my soul. I wonder if I will ever be able to say that. But I do know that I like this song and it brings me peace. So maybe I'm getting there, and not even realizing it. I sure as heck hope I'm not just treading water.

Gosh dang it, if Brian wasn't so dad blasted amazing, maybe I could get over this a little easier. I miss how I felt when I was with him, how he loved me unconditionally, and I can hardly imagine how I can endure this pain for a lifetime.