All Saints Day

The kids and I went to church this evening, as the Mass intention was for Brian and my mom. Dad met us there. I felt numb most of the time. Father gave a nice sermon that made me feel a little better, just reaffirming that the bond of love trumps the reality of death.

The girls went home from church with their dad, and I found myself a bit in a daze. Tye had told me he wanted to go to Daddy's garden, so we ran to Walmart really fast to find something to take to decorate. But we couldn't find anything. I'm not saying there wasn't anything, but I did pass on the Halloween clearance aisle full of skeletons and evil-looking pumpkins and even a bottle of blood. I wasn't happy with my choices of Thanksgiving decor, so we ventured back to just browse through the toys. Tye can spend an hour checking out everything, and it was a good breather for me to just watch him and see what his interests are so I can start my Christmas shopping.

Christmas music was playing over the loud speakers. I have to say that this ticked me off a bit. It is Nov. 1st, for gosh sakes. I'm having a hard enough time as it is, but this far in advance will just irritate me even more. We checked out some Christmas things (not because I wanted to, but because Tye saw the blinking lights down the aisle). We bought a set of matching snowflakes to put outside (one at our home and one for Daddy), but we're not quite ready to put those out yet.

As the evening wore on, Tye kept talking about Daddy. He had told me several times today that he misses Daddy, and it seemed to be building. Then all hell broke loose on the way to the van. He was crying inconsolably about missing Daddy and why did we bury the treasure chest...

It was dark, so I decided to wait to go to the cemetery until the morning, which probably just escalated the problem.

When we got home, we just sat on the couch and cried. I told him it was ok to be sad, and he could even cry anytime he wanted to, because I know he misses him, and I miss him too. He said...Mom, I had this bad dream, and now my Daddy's not coming back.

I took a deep breath and said, well, you know, it isn't a bad dream Tye, it is real that Daddy is gone. He kept arguing with me, saying he had a bad dream and when he wakes up Daddy still will be gone. I just listened because I didn't know what to say. The he said...Daddy told me I can't come with him in the treasure box. I said...no, Daddy is right (I was just going with it, assuming maybe he feels like Daddy talked to him in a dream, I don't know..). Daddy doesn't want you to come with him. Tye said...why not? I said...well, I'll miss you, and he wants you to stay here with us. Then he burst out crying again and said we can all be buried in the garden together.

So then we had a long talk again about how Daddy's body was sick, and Daddy was suffering, and now he is all better in Heaven. We tried to talk to Daddy, but Tye said...I don't think he is listening. I said...he always is listening. He kept on, talking about all the things he wanted to do with Daddy, like playing race cars and going on bike rides. About that time, we could hear Zep barking. Tye said...I think even my dog misses Daddy.

He somehow got distracted by the Power Rangers that Jacob sent home for him to play with. I sighed because I was so relieved he could get his feelings out, and yet was exhausted at knowing his agony.

I fixed something for supper and we were chatting about other things, and then he stopped and said...hey Mom! I stopped crying! (I thought, oh no, here we go again.) But then he just smiled and finished eating.