Thoughts

I had an interesting day. My head was full of all kinds of things. I walked down the aisle for Mass this morning and the thought of Brian's body in a casket near the altar flashed in front of me. I am always amazed when these little thoughts pop in my head, wondering where they came from. I've done ok for the last several times I've been in the church. Yet today, the image was there. I spent a good portion of the Mass just trying to get the thoughts out of my head...

>>Why did I let them tuck his shirt in? He never tucked that shirt in. Would he have wanted it tucked in? Why did it not matter to me then, but I am thinking of it now?

>>I wonder if they really put his shoes on him? I mean, how would I know the difference?

>>Will Tye remember that he tried to give Daddy a letter that day, that he raised his hand and couldn't get it to move, that he asked me what was wrong with his hand.

>>Then I almost giggled out loud at the thought of Tye, poking himself in the eye at the cemetery with the crucifix off of Brian's casket.

It is moments like this that I feel insane. I have this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to let my head wander all over in search of answers. I am getting to the point that I feel like I spend the majority of my time just floating along, just kind of taking it all in, and still participating.

There seems not to be enough of me to go around. I find myself stretched so thin, yet, keeping busy is really helping if I can handle the load. I am battling some short term memory issues, which I really think stem from having such an overload of emotions, followed by silence, and then another surge of stress this fall. If anyone truly believes I'm crazy, they are doing a good job of keeping it to themselves.

Several projects have materialized for me this fall, with lots still on the front and back burners. I almost feel like I'm starting from scratch with some things, just because I want to redo them or because I haven't taught them for so long. That is compounding my workload. I am almost thankful that I have no one to keep Tye each night so I am forced to leave school at a decent time.

And then there is the other side of me that longs for Daddy to pick him up so I can work for a few hours.

Or a Daddy to take him to the park so I can go work out.

Or a Daddy to come home and play with.

Or a Daddy to wrap his arms around Mommy each day after school.

I had it too good. Sometimes I find myself trying to block out the good memories of my life with Brian because it makes it all hurt too much. I see other families stretched so thin, trying to keep up with all the running and obligations and still have family time, and there are 2 parents...and I wonder how I can ever keep up. And then that just makes me angry because Brian loved doing the running and having a family to keep up with. He loved having us to come home to.

Tonight I cooked. I have been avoiding this most of the time because it is hard to just cook for me and Tye. The girls were here tonight, so I did actually cook for all of us. They picked up a little afterwards, then I was in the kitchen alone, cleaning up. This was one of our favorite times, when the kids were busy doing other things (avoiding doing dishes) and we could have some private time to talk about the day. He always wanted to know how I was doing, he was always interested.

I swear, as gushy as this may sound, I think we fell in love with each other again and again every day. I think that is what makes it all so painful. How I loved him, how I felt that he loved me, was so strong that I'm not particularly getting used to not having him here. And as much as I want to still share that love with him now, I don't feel it in return. All I feel is a blank. I so hoped there would be moments I would feel close to him. I even asked him to try to be close to me once he got to Heaven if he could. He told me that he would do everything possible, and for me to always know he wanted to still be there for me. Now I wonder, does that mean he can't be...because I know he would be if he could...he would be there in my dreams, I would feel his presence in a breeze or in the quiet or when I least expected it. I would have guessed that to have happened by now if it was going to. Or maybe I'm too sad to see him, I don't know.

My sadness is deeper today than it was when I held him in those last moments. I can hardly fathom that this much time has passed, like him being gone hasn't even mattered. The days are rolling by, Tye is getting taller, the girls are changing.

I find myself just praying for the pain to go away. It is a dull ache that seems to have become my new normal. I have so many people ask me how I'm doing. I appreciate so many good wishes and thoughtful sentiments. I never know what to say though...

Great! (does that mean I'm OVER it?)

Ok. (does that mean I'm doing bad or good?)

So-so. (does that mean I'm falling apart?)

Terrible (does that mean I'm a mess?)

I've mostly gone with ok, because it is middle of the road, and that's about how I feel, not great, not terrible. And frankly, it depends on the minute, because I could be fine, and then have a flood of some memory change my tune.

I have told people often that it is what I expected mostly. I expected to be sad and devastated, to be lonely. I expected to have trouble getting going. I expected to be able to pick up the pieces and find my way, no matter how long it took.

I just didn't expect to miss him so so badly. I wonder if he misses me too. I wonder when he sees me again someday, if it will just feel like time hasn't even passed. And I wonder how I will survive missing him for a lifetime.

Regardless, I don't have a choice.