King-Sized Love

I have a king-size bed. Brian and I bought it shortly after we were married because we both had uncomfortable beds, and our room was big enough to handle a king. My mom always joked that the best marriages don't need a king or even a queen, if you know what I mean! Even so, it was always nice to have the extra room with the kids crawling into bed with us. The whole time Brian was battling melanoma, it was great to have the king size because we could both sleep in bed together, but he still had his space, like when his wounds were healing. This was especially true when his leg was so sore, and after his abdominal surgery.

I didn't sleep in our bed more than a handful of times from October through Brian's death. He slept in the living room in a reclined position. I mostly missed him so much that I could at least sleep next to him in the reclining love seat and still be together. As the weeks passed, he would need my help so much that I was better off staying in there with him. And once we came home with hospice, I wouldn't leave him at night. A few times, his mom slept on the couch and gave me the chance to try to stretch out in bed and catch up on much needed sleep.

By the last few weeks of Brian's life, I didn't know if it was day or night. I didn't sleep. I was afraid to let any moment pass because I knew our time together was limited. I would sit by his bed and just stare at him in awe, trying to take in how melanoma had ravaged his body. I contemplated moving him into our room a few times, and he even thought of moving downstairs to be on the ground level so he could leave the house once in a while. The time just went so quickly. During his last week, I debated moving him to our bed, but I wanted to keep him comfortable. By the day he died, I knew he didn't know much of what was going on, so we did just that.

I remember snuggling up to him in our king-size bed and being so glad we had all that room. The girls crawled in bed with us and snuggled with him, yet we were comfortable. After he died that night, Amberlea wanted to sleep in our bed. I didn't sleep until I finally collapsed around 5am. I crawled into bed on Brian's side, right where he had died. I thought to myself, is this weird? No, it wasn't. It was comforting. So I sleep on his side of the bed always.

So...when I was moving, I discussed swapping beds with Phillip and Denise. They have a huge room and I just thought it might work well. She had just recently picked out a curtains and a comforter for a queen, so I decided to keep the bed. I thought to myself, there must be a reason I'm supposed to keep the bed.

Since we moved, I've often thought that I don't have all the repeated memories of my life with Brian. I just get to cherish the ones I want to remember. Yet, every night when I crawl into bed, I'm right where he was when he went to Heaven. Every thought of this brings me comfort, sometimes tears, but I always feel close to Brian.

Tye is back to sleeping with me all night. Hopefully I can transition him out of this soon. Last night we had one heck of a storm, lots of thunder and lightning. Then here comes Amberlea because she was scared. I said...jump in. I just dozed back off, and there was Rachel. She never gets in bed with me. She said...I'm a little scared. I said...well, join us.

They all dozed right off to sleep. I just stared at the light flashing on the ceiling, thinking how I was so happy I had a king-size bed to fit my whole family in. Even though I was missing Brian, it was really maybe the first time I thought of us as a whole family again. I've been thinking maybe I should view it that we are one big family, just that Brian is in Heaven now. I'll have to work on that.

By morning, I was thinking that I totally got the shaft since I was almost falling out of bed. I rolled over to see how I had managed to get shoved so far over. Amberlea was almost on top of me, Tye had his legs on her and his head on Rachel. And Rachel basically had the other half of the bed!

I promise to post pictures sometime soon.