I took Tye to Bethany tonight to meet Phillip and Denise. He will spend the weekend running around the farm and having fun. It will be great for me to get everything done before school and also overhaul the house so we are off to a good start.
Tye cried when I left him. I know he is fine; he knows he is fine. It is still difficult. I feel bad because I know it's not that he doesn't want to go, more that he doesn't want to leave me. He has told me several times lately that he doesn't love Daddy anymore, and recently has made reference in an angry tone that Daddy isn't coming back. So I guess it is only natural, because in his mind, Brian left and didn't come back. No wonder he cries when I leave. Still, it breaks my heart and just adds to the stress. I called to check on him, and as I thought, he was doing fine.
I cried part way home. I have no one to come home to. No one was expecting me and no one frankly even knows if I made it home safely. I felt a wave of grief and loneliness come over me, and my heart still feels heavy. I miss Brian so much. I loved talking with him and planning our future and enjoying his company. We made so many trips between Unionville and Maryville, and now I travel that road alone. As I drove closer to town, I just felt a lump in my throat, knowing that he is still not here and he never will be. It is a different dimension of missing someone; it is that hollow feeling of knowing that there is not an end in sight...I can't count down the days until we see each other, I try not to wish away the days either because I have children who need me and a life to live. Life right now is being a mom and teacher, a sister and daughter and friend. I can't help but feel the emptiness in knowing I'll never grow old with Brian.
30 Years by Tim McGraw was on...I was thinking about what I might do in the next 30 years. All kinds of things ran through my head as the song played. Then I thought, I'll spend the next 30, 40, 50 years just missing Brian, just having a void in my life, a canyon of grief, a gash so big that I can't see from one side to the other.
I am still on autopilot. That is a good thing because I am getting some things done in that mode. Some days I find I look back on the past few hours, and I can't even remember what I did. Sometimes it feels like my body is just going through the motions and my brain is submerged in grief. I go about my business, things that need to be done, all the while thinking of Brian and the life we lost, all the while praying for a break in the devastation of missing him. Many thoughts are of great times and special moments, but my thoughts so often turn to missing him. I am trying desperately to focus on these memories, but so often they make me long for more.
I guess we each take that risk, when we love someone. I love Brian so much that I would never trade loving him to have avoided this pain. Even in the moments of intense grief, I can feel his love. I often wonder what purpose my suffering is serving. I wonder how it is that God did not rescue us in our time of need. Then I think that maybe I should stop being so selfish and thinking this has anything to do with me, that I should focus on the fact that Brian was indeed rescued from the suffering of this life. There is great peace in knowing that. I'm still waiting to be rescued. I wonder what the turning point is, when does it start to fade, when does it finally not consume me?
Or will it ever? Will I ever feel good about Tye missing his Daddy or crawling into bed alone. Will I ever accept that this is the life that God had planned for me. Will I ever really believe that I am truly that special to God, that He has big plans for me? Will I ever stop feeling so sad? I guess what I'm worried about is the factor that makes me so sad will never go away, so I wonder how my feelings can ever change.
The 5-7 month range after losing my mom was very difficult. It is starting to feel that way now, sort of like I've had the chance for a small wave of moving forward (not moving on, just forward), and now I am feeling the tremendous loss of the love of my life, my companion, my friend, my child's father, the girls' stepfather...I'm feeling the effects of so many days just ticking by, all the same as they have been since March 21st, all without Brian.
School should hopefully prove to be a good distraction. I am back to talking to God again, even though I'm still mad at Him. I have often been reminded that He can handle it, and that He is going to love me regardless, so I've made sure to tell Him just how I feel. I don't think it will change anything, but at least I still believe He is listening.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
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2 comments:
Keep writing, we're listening and praying. I love your honesty. Thanks for sharing that you are talking to God again and that you're mad at him. I know it may be hard for you to understand but I find encouragement from your journal. I can't really explain it. I wish I could fix things for you. I'm really going to miss working with you and your kids. Your Blog is in my 'Favorites' on my computer and it will not be moving!
Love,
Amy Haddock
Not only is HE listening, WE are all here listening to you. We all love you and lift you in prayer daily. You looked so beautiful at open house that Matt actually asked me, "What's Jenni so dressed up for? She looks great!!" I replied, (albeit annoyedly)..."Uh, she works here... she gets to be gorgeous to meet her students!" His reply was, "Oh, duh, of course. I'm so thrilled she's back with our kids. She just looks terrific." Although it's a different kind of admiration, know that you still have a "husband" here on earth who thinks that you're terrifc. No doubt, Brian was in Heaven thinking about how terrific his Sweetie looked that night, as well. Grieve, Jenni, do it your way! We're all here to love you through it. Happy first day of school!
Love you,
Jill
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