The Insanity of Grief

I have come to believe that grief can make a person insane. Grief has washed over me tonight like a flood I couldn't stop. I have battled the sadness daily for several years now, each day worrying that Brian would die, then the last 12 weeks of sadness because he is gone. The last several days seem to have been more difficult for Tye. I don't know why, other than the obvious reason of missing his dad. He is showing his sadness with sighs and pouty lips, with questions and comments about Daddy...

Tonight I did something I can't explain. I was flipping through the channels, hoping my eyelids would feel heavy. I was planning to turn the t.v. off in just a minute when I came upon the start of Dying Young, with Julia Roberts and Campbell Scott. Below is a review I came across when I was trying to find the right words to explain my reaction to this movie. He says just what I was thinking, and his point of view is right on the money, considering he is also a cancer patient. I knew I would cry, yet I couldn't change the channel. I was entranced in what was happening. I could see myself going through the motions and loving Brian, and I could see the pain in Brian's eyes as I watched this character. It really was more than I could take, yet I put myself through it. Grief is insane that way. This movie brought out some emotions that I haven't felt since Brian died, some strong feelings about how it is to love someone who is dying...and how it is worth it, regardless of the outcome.

So here is the review. It is the opinion of this commenter. You will likely be able to see why I couldn't change the channel.

A love story, deep and consuming. The characters stay with you, like family.

I've survived five different cancers since 1959. I've watched many others die from cancer, mostly because I've been treated in Veterans Hospitals since 1961 which had 'open cancer wards' of forty to sixty beds and we see all there is to see in each other's lives. I've seen this movie in real life, mine and many others' lives and families. Throughout the film you'll be absorbed by the character's lives. How utterly real their pain, how complete their anguish, how deep their fear, how intense their love: both of the cancer victim Victor Geddes (Campbell Scott) and the loved ones - especially the caretaker becoming lover, Hillary O'Neil (Julia Roberts). If the Victor Geddes character had AIDS or Parkinson or Alzheimer's Disease? The audience and reviews would be thunderous applause; nines and tens. But: about cancer? The audience is frightened to give acclaim to cancer, the shadow disease. The predictable audience reaction to a cancer victim story is amazing: Viewers fear contagion! In real life - friends, relatives, loved ones are frightened to death to visit a person with cancer; to 'touch' them?, to breath their air?, to be nearby?. That fear is brought to the theater, to the television and to the VCR. Fear is the Bitch Goddess of Cancer and was ever present in 'Dying Young'!I've never seen Julia Roberts 'disappear into a role' as she did portraying the woman in love with a man dying with cancer. Campbell Scott, playing the cancer sick Vic Geddes, is likewise consumed by the character and is invisible as an actor. There is not an actor before the camera throughout the film . . . just people about whom you Give-A-Damn; about people, not actors. This is an amazing film.

Some might think I am biased because of my having had cancer: Perhaps. But, to see the gut wrenching under current, words which are never said, emotions programmatically withheld, denial and lies issued and ignored even though instantly recognized until there is a no longer any ability to do so was (is) the most profound treatment of catastrophic illness I've ever seen on film. I kept wanting to yell at each character to speak up, shout, get it out, say something!(I wonder if those who have not had cancer had that same reaction.)

I hope that those who see this film will see the magnificence of its incredible love story (in spite of illness!) and feel its adroit kick in the shin rendered against the 'silence and lies' between those about whom you care when ill. This story is about love, about life, not about death. If ever an actor deserved to be awarded an Oscar it was Julia Roberts' portrayal of a woman in love with a man dying with cancer in 'Dying Young.'See this film: It is an incredible love story! You'll feel happy for all the characters, and, yourself. Killiam Tierney

The worst line...she tells him she gets up every morning to see if he is still alive.

I used to do that everyday. It was agonizing and heart wrenching and unfair. And I realize that many of you will never have that experience, and I am thankful for that. So I don't expect anyone to really know what that feels like, although I know just imagining it with someone you love hurts terribly in itself, so you can somewhat relate.

Now I open my eyes each morning, and he is gone...

I have struggled terribly the last few weeks. I have seen many of our Maryville teens with sunburns, some of the very students who were right there with us through our battle. I wonder what Brian's death really proved. I know with all issues there is the belief of invincibility. I can't keep up. I can't keep giving all my energy to a cause that no one is listening to. Then I step back for a moment and realize that those that Brian's death was to have affected have indeed been touched. I realize that with awareness of any issue, the most important thing to me has to be the fact that I know there ARE people out there being safer with the sun....I know they are watching their moles and skin, getting things checked out. Not everyone, and you can't blame me for wanting to keep EVERYONE safe, to eradicate this disease. I have to keep my focus on those who ARE listening, those who are taking light of this, those who are not distancing themselves from cancer and thinking it won't be them someday, but instead are deciding to take every precaution.

Add some to my insanity plea...why did I really watch that damn movie? I'm not sure. I find myself missing it all, even the awful parts. I feel completely crazy for feeling this way because I love Brian and I know he suffered. Yet the lunatic in me misses being able to love him and care for him. Maybe it is because through all his pain, I always still felt his love, I always still felt like he thought this whole thing with us was worth the fight.

Another line...she says she can't watch him die.

When you love someone, how can you not? I could not have avoided the pain that his death caused me. I did not want to avoid it. I wanted to love him and care for him until he died. He trusted me to do just that, and I did.

Another...he says something to the fact that she makes him want to live.

God help me, I can remember many, many conversations with Brian about how much he wanted to stay, how much he wanted to grow old with me, how much he wanted to see the kids grow up.

I think true love is a chance you take. No amount of pain could ever make me regret loving Brian, which I guess keeps me sane through it all.