End of the Year Thoughts

Today is the last day of school for St. Gregory's. I would tell you that I am shocked that the year has come to a close and my husband is dead, but I am not. Brian came to school with us on the first day in August and stayed for the opening assembly. He could not drive, so Karis shuttled him around afterwards. He did not want to miss the moments. We were not blind, we knew. He had her take him to the flower shop to send me flowers. I loved being in love with him. This day was a very difficult one for both of us, but particularly Brian. He begged God to spare him, to let him see Tye grow up, to see many first days of school. And on this day, he cried more for what Tye and our family would miss out on. We all have hopes and dreams for our children, and Brian was devastated that Tye's life would be without a father here to love him.

Nearly a month passed, full of chemo treatments and talk of him returning to school. Then came the day we were sitting in Dr. Anderson's office, Sept. 18. I had taken Brian the afternoon before for an MRI and CT scan, and we were waiting for the results. I could guess without Dr. Anderson saying by the look on his face when he came in. He was not his usual self, and Brian told him to get to it, that we didn't want to wait.

That is when the bomb dropped, the talk of hospice, of quality of life. I spent many appts. fighting back tears, and he almost always kept him composure; but today was different. He sobbed uncontrollably. I put my arms around him and Dr. Anderson put his arms around us both and we just cried. Brian asked him how long and he responded that he expected if something didn't change and things kept on this course, Brian would be very sick in 8 months, maybe 5 or 6. It was quiet for a moment, then Brian said...so May, hmm.

Later when we were in the parking lot, I was trying to gather myself to figure out what we should do next. We had planned to go on for Brian's next chemo treatment, and at that moment we both did not know what to do. I was too upset to drive. Brian said...good, I am starved, let's get something to eat. (Big surprise). So we went to get breakfast. I could not eat. I could not hardly breathe. We came back to the van and Brian wanted to go ahead and call his dad. We sat in the quiet for a while. Then he said something to me that I think was the turning point, it was the moment I realized he knew he was dying. He said...I'm going to be dead before the end of the school year.

And that moment was the first time I realized, maybe the first time I let the thought be real, that he was right, and this school year would close without him. Leave it to him to always have school on his mind.

Brian knew I will do everything I can to love and nurture Tye, and for Tye to always know about his daddy and how much he loved him. I have lots of great people to help me love the kids. We talk about him everyday, and when we see a beautiful sunset or clouds, we talk about how that is where Daddy is, that Heaven is beautiful like that.

Tonight Tye said...my Dad misses me. I said...you're right, and we miss him too. Then he said...my Dad was sick, but he is all better now. Then he just hugged me and said...I love you Momma.

So here we are at the end of the year. I don't even know how many days I was at school this year. I know many people who lose their jobs when trying to care for a loved one, and I am so blessed that was not the case for me. I am thankful for the time I've had to grieve, even though I know it is not over. I feel like I did have time to actually take time for myself, something I did not get when I lost my mom. I was able to focus on myself and all three of my children, sometimes on my home and sometimes not, and just think through the whirlwind of my life. This past week was 5 years since we moved into our home. I would never have imagined him being carried out of here by the funeral home staff; yet I am thankful once again that he was here in this home full of love.

I can only pray that this summer will bring healing and peace to me and my children. I look forward to making special memories with them and always knowing that Brian is with us.