2 Month Mark

Today marks 2 months since Brian slipped away. At times, I feel like it has been so long. I have to remind myself of what his voice sounded like, how he smelled, feeling his whiskery face, laying my head on his chest, hearing him call me Sweetie...I find often that I have to strain to get those good memories into my head. It would help if my head wasn't so full of the sound of his shallow breathing, the odor of the infection in his leg, the sight of his suffering.

As much as I miss him and want him back, the thought of him suffering all day, then dying in our bed is at the forefront of my mind. I remember sitting with Brian and the girls and just talking. I remember how hard it was to find the words to tell them that this was it, that what we had worried about was coming. The best thing I ever did was be totally honest with them. I can see their faces, so distraught...that look of pain that I could not take away. Yet they seemed relieved to be a part of it. Rachel worried that he would die when she didn't know or she was gone, and God took care of all of that. I remember Amberlea crawled up on the bed with Brian and looked at him and asked me...what is that noise? I had to explain to her the horrors of cancer, that his lungs were filling up with fluid, and that it sounded bad, but that Brian wasn't suffering. The so-called death rattle seemed to shake the house. I remember after he died, the girls came back about 20 min. later. The room was quiet, Brian was quiet. The horrid breathing was gone, Brian was gone, and the suffering was gone. I remember having that odd feeling of triumph, of knowing that we had loved him to Heaven, that we had stuck together as a family, all of us, and we had loved him the way that God needed us to love him.

There are only a few days left until the chaos of the summer schedule, only a few days left until the kids are home with me. I am looking forward to a change in my routine, yet wishing that I could keep going with this time for me to just miss Brian.