Hmmm...I wonder if it was successful. I myself fizzled out after a while, wondering if anyone was really listening. The ones that seem to have been truly affected by Brian's battle have been listening all along, and I appreciate that and know that it will make for a healthier YOU. One of my missions is to bring about melanoma awareness, and I won't keep it contained to one month of the year. So you will hear more from me, I promise.
I have started the task of dealing with Brian's possessions. The most difficult for me is that these things were important to him, even if they seem like nothing to me. I look at things and wonder why he kept this or why he had that, and then I am reluctant to do anything with it. My counselor and I have been chatting about this for quite some time. I am just going to take things slowly. I have decided to go ahead and put the house back on the market. I had every intention of doing this, then changed my mind because I didn't want to deal with Brian's things. Then I started thinking about my mom and things that were left undone, and decided that the lack of a deadline can be bad. I am afraid I will put off even trying to make a dent, and 2 months will turn into 2 years. We'll see what happens. I have just decided that regardless of if and when I move, I will still deal with Brian's things in my own time. I'm of course not getting rid of everything (that phrase seems like I'm just spring cleaning). I have lots of things that I want to keep. I also know that I will probably sort things in stages. I don't want to put a deadline on myself to the point that I can't move until I do anything, but I also plan to take anything with me that I'm not ready to deal with. Make sense?
I finally cleaned my bedroom. The blanket that Brian was lying on when he died was still in a heap next to his side of the bed (which is now my side), where it has been since they took him out of here. I have reached for it many times, and I just couldn't bring myself to move it just yet. Then the other night Tye drug it in from the bedroom and curled up on the couch with it, and then I figured...well, it has been moved, so that's that. I did spend a good part of yesterday throwing away things I already know I won't keep, still some medical items. It felt good to get rid of them because I know how much they made Brian angry and sad. Tye got into our closet and came out with the walker and I stopped that right away and got it packed up too. Brian would never let the kids play with his crutches or walker or wheelchair because he didn't want them to think it was ever fun to have those things. I ditched some pillows and a few clothes. I am amazed how many things are still in the same place I put them around the time Brian died. I finally hung up the wind chimes I got from a good friend...they came with a poem entitled Whispers from Heaven. I could hear them blowing in the breeze over the past few days.
Then I moved something and found the Hospice folder. I opened it and there were all of his records, line after line of someone coming into our house to care for him.
I glanced to the end.
3/21 - 9:15 am, blood pressure 100/80, pulse 120, respirations 12, physician notified
3/21 - Vitals Indiscernible - patient passed away at 5:10 p.m.
Then I slammed the folder shut and took the kids out for ice cream.
It is amazing how I can remember the details of that day. I know what I was wearing and that I didn't have any makeup on because I was crying so much. Each last moment with him seems etched in my brain, and I am thankful to have that, even though they were so difficult for Brian. I can nearly remember minute by minute during the last hour. Afterwards, I regretted not stopping long enough to pray a Hail Mary. I guess I had been praying non-stop, and things just changed so quickly that I just was doing everything that I could to keep him comfortable and ease his suffering. I know there were so many others who were praying for us during those moments, and I am thankful for that.
So it has been 10 weeks. Ten long weeks, yet they have flown by.
Here is a song that just keeps lingering in my mind. Brian loved Nickelback, and although a few of the words don't match up with us, the chorus hits home on how much I love him. Sorry that you have to watch the video to be able to hear the song...this is the easiest way to get it.
Far Away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4y-RzVGrHg
Far away, or near?
Turn from your sins and turn to God, because the Kingdom of Heaven is near. Matthew 3:2
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
It took me from December til April to go through Bob's things. Your mother spent the weekend with me and we did it together. My best friend. Hugs, KT
You aren't sure if what you are writing makes a difference. I read what you write everyday. I think about you and Brian and your family many times each day. I mention you and Brian whenever sun protection comes up among my extended family in different states (they get my 'lecture', the one you've taught me). I'm glad to hear you are not rushing to sort through things but are going at a pace you can handle.
With love and prayers, Amy Haddock
Jenni,
We've never met, but I have become a regular reader of your blog after being directed to it via the blog of another family affected by cancer. I just wanted you to know that I check-in about every other day to catch up with your family and to lift you all up in prayer. I am a 30 year-old mother of two (from the Kansas City area), and I can frankly say that melanoma has not really been on my radar screen up to this point. However, I wanted you to know that I performed my first ever self skin exam this week and I have marked it on my calendar for the first of every month for the rest of the year. Thank you. I will continue to consistently remember your sweet family in prayer.
Sarah
Post a Comment