It has been over a year since I started this blog...a year ago this past week, after Brian had been life flighted to Columbia and it felt like things were falling down around us. I want to thank you for listening to my rants and raves about cancer and life and love and faith, and anything and everything else I felt like journaling about. This blog has been very therapeutic for me, and I have found many blessings in being able to put my thoughts down, while receiving support from all of you and also getting the right info out about Brian.
I can see it happening. My life has flashed before my eyes so many times over the past 3 years. These moments are what I nightmared about so many nights...the moments that Brian and I snuggled in bed and worried about...the moments I prayed, I begged God to spare our family from. These are the moments I have rehearsed in my mind and heart, as if I could find a way to prepare myself. These are the moments I have tried to banish from my mind, to stay optimistic, to keep the faith. Yet I find myself in the midst of these very moments, precious and heart wrenching. These are unexplainable moments, full of grief and sadness and love. They are the moments I hope you never have to suffer through, yet somehow, in some insane thought, also the moments that I wish you all would have a chance to share with someone you love.
I don't know how much time Brian has left. I don't know if it matters really. Our life as we know it is over. The Brian I know and love is still there, but he is suffering terribly, and he is masked behind all the pain. There are moments that he is coherent, but his confusion has worsened over the weekend. Even if there is a lot of time left, I feel like most of what was left has slipped away. I wait each moment for a glimpse of him, and I enjoy the moments of the day that he can visit with me, no matter how wild. The weekend has involved talk about the stages of sleep, 18th century homes and how life was simpler then, the Rockettes, and the year the NCAA basketball tournament was canceled (I googled it, and I couldn't find a year it wasn't held since 1939). It has also involved moments of panic, moments where he doesn't know what is going on, lots of moments of pain, and lots of moments of knowing exactly what is going on.
We had lots of visitors today, including Rog and Joni and Dallas, along with Grandma Halley, and Stacy and Craig. Karis and Adam also stopped by with Zeke, and Erin brought cinnamon rolls and stopped by with Don. It was nice to have a house full of love for our family and Brian. Brian's dad stayed overnight tonight and will go home tomorrow for a few days to check on the farm, then he'll probably be back. Denise will be staying for now, as we have found it to be the best for everyone if there are two of us here. I also find myself reluctant to leave the house because I am afraid to be away from him. Taking a shower has even become a fear. I did feel a little guilty about that, but then have realized that I should get to decide what I want to do and where I want to be when my husband is dying. I don't want to be away from him, and I don't think that is best for me or him right now. I can only pray that things can run smoothly with that plan.
Tonight Brian's respirations are good. He is catching up on his sleep from being in so much pain, and also battling constipation...there is no mercy with cancer. He's had a 1/2 of a strawberry shake, 2 bites of toast and a popsicle since a week ago on Saturday, and you would think this wouldn't be a problem. Even so, the agony continues. Things seemed better in that area later tonight, so we'll see what tomorrow brings.
I always wondered what it would be like to write on the blog that things were bad, really bad. And it sucks worse than I could ever have imagined or ever prepared myself for. I look in the mirror each morning and think that I just can't do this, that I can't survive this, that I can't watch him die. If I ever thought I was ever really in control of my life, I definitely have figured out I was wrong.
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness. James Thurber
My Other Blog
Chummy and Little Man
Brian Craig Halley 1972-2008
- Jenni Halley
- I am a 38 year-old single mother of 3 beautiful, fun, smart, amazing children. I am one of the two families raising my two daughters (thanks to a divorce from my 1st husband), and I am raising my son alone (thanks to melanoma killing my 2nd husband). I enjoy using this blog to journal my feelings.
About This Blog
I have recently shifted the focus of this blog back to follow the title. I fight melanoma everyday in the loss of Brian, in the loss of the girls' stepdad, and in the loss of Tye's daddy. At the one year anniversary of Brian's death, I decided to start a new blog about our family. I am keeping this blog to continue to share things on melanoma and other cancers, and rant and rave about how much it sucks to be a widow. It seemed in my mind that the time had come to split those. Please see the link below to visit my new blog. http://www.momto3gr8kidz.blogspot.com/
UV Index
ABCs of Melanoma Identification
Other Special Stories to Follow
Valuable Resources for an Irreplaceable YOU!
"Just Skin Cancer?"
Aside from my focus to care for my husband and children, I'm on a mission to save you too! Below are websites to help keep you safe from melanoma, and hopefully educate you on this deadly beast that has invaded our life and worn down an otherwise healthy man. I pray that what I've learned might help prevent melanoma, or at least lead to early detection, as well as provide information on basal and squamous cell carcinomas. I hope to channel this wealth of unwelcome information to make a positive impact on your lives, as you are all as precious to your families and friends as Brian is to ours. Please contact me if I can help you with resources or answer questions.
Melanoma Information and Resources
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ST. PEREGRINE
Patron Saint of Cancer Patients
11 comments:
Jenni,
I know how you feel. I can really say that. This is so hard for all of us, your family, my family and our children. I wosh I knew what to say to make it not hurt but then I would say the same thing to me. All we can do is love our guys and know the love they feel for us is still in there.
Love,
Suzan
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family daily. Brian was my son's teacher 2 years ago. he is a sophmore now. He remembers Brian and that was one of his favorite classes. He remembers his sense of humor and respected him as a teacher. He reads your blog with me at home and thinks of Brian. He has touched many lives.
Jenni,
The Schrefflers in Branson are keeping you and your family in our prayers this Holy Week.
Jim and Julie, Patrick, Anthony, and Theresa
Jenni and Brian you have been in our thoughts even as we are suffering through our grieving of John. Use every moment to be together. It is very hard as the pain issues seem to control so much of the available good time. Jenni you need to be comfortable knowing how much Brian loves you. You need to remember that every decision about Melanoma you have made together and you will never look back and question. God is good and He will be there for you and Brian. You seem to have a wonderful support system and that will sustain you too. Use them. Feel free to email me if you have any other questions. John's last days are still so vivid and my sense of missing so raw, but it truly could not go on the way it was and I see Brian approaching that point too. It is so hard not to want them here with us but we have to remember there will be no suffering where they are going. And their spirit will always be with you.
Love will carry you through, past, present, and future. God bless you all...
God bless you and your family. Love will be with you.
Jenni and Brian,
Today I call upon one of my favorite Irish blessings for peace and love for both of you:
May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always on your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May the God that loves us all
Hold you in the palm of his hand.
Praying for your peace every day...
Love,
Jill
Thoughts and prayers go out to you and yours. I grew up with Brian, and know his "Unionville" family. There are so many praying for your family, we trust in God to keep you in his care. May your love help you to find comfort and peace, as Brian is loved by so many near and far. He has touched many young lives by being a terrific teacher, person, parent, last but not least husband! We continue to pray for you all.
You remain in my thoughts and prayers. May God surround each of you with his peace and love.
Jenni ~ My heart hurts for you... There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and the kids. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We're here for you.
Becca Stone
Thinking of you as you walk down a path well known to me, unfortunately. May God grant Brian, you and your children peace during this difficult time. Melanoma is just a word - love lasts a lifetime and beyond.
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