Warning! Viewer Discretion Advised!

I have contemplated whether or not to post this. I am all about scare tactics...if our whole story scares you to death, scares you that it could happen to you, that you and your loved ones are only one diagnosis away from being where we are...then you can read on. But be prepared, it could make your skin crawl.

So I requested Brian's most recent CT scan from New Year's Eve. My purposes were many. I believe our doctor, all the doctors, but I just had to see it for myself....also, I want to be sure I have it in my possession if I'm ever asked for it by family...and mostly for the girls and Tye, really Tye, as he thinks Daddy is sick because of his leg. He told his teachers Daddy got bucked off a bull, then just chuckled. He doesn't have any concept of what is going on, but he will someday ask me. And I want all the resources I can to help him understand how this disease ravaged Daddy's body. The girls don't completely understand either, but they do understand that these complications go way beyond the leg issue, and that his organs are affected.

One mixed blessing that melanoma has given has been Brian's good health up until his surgery last February. He felt great! I have found with others with melanoma, and I saw it with Brian too...people were almost in disbelief just how sick he was because he looked so good. He sure didn't look like his life was threatened, and we both felt sometimes like we were trying to convince people, like we were making the whole thing up. Don't get me wrong, no one ever questioned us that we were lying...I think it was just all so unbelievable. And melanoma is like that...virtually no symptoms, yet deadly. Often times, lung cancer involves some sort of breathing symptoms, colon cancer has some sort of bowl issues...I know not always, as I've come to learn that all cancers sometimes show no symptoms until the disease is very advanced.

Melanoma often invades the lives of its victims quietly. It sneaks in and robs people of precious time. It shows up unannounced...here are some stories I've heard:

First time pregnancy, healthy 1st half, odd symptoms in 2nd half, tests indicate symptoms are unrelated to pregnancy, diagnosed melanoma, delivered baby at 35 weeks so chemo can be started, mom dead in less than 3 months, healthy baby (luckily because melanoma can pass through the umbilical cord).

Lump in armpit, thought to be infection, then maybe even lymphoma, biopsied and diagnosed melanoma that had metastasized from a mole that had been removed from the chest about 10 years earlier, lump turned out to be a collection of 18 malignant tumors...a year later removed 54 malignant tumors from the neck, then continued to spread, eventually to the lining of the brain, lived about 9 more months.

Lower back pain...person was in construction, just thought he had strained his lower back. It would flare up and then go away. Sought treatment from a chiropractor...after a few visits, chiropractor sent him to a spine doc...who sent him for an MRI, which showed huge masses on both adrenal glands...boom, stage 4 melanoma.

Pneumonia-like symptoms, did not go away with antibiotics, diagnosed melanoma in the lungs...happy to say this person is a survivor.

Older man, broke glasses. Went to get a new pair, eye doc said it has been several years since an exam, let's do one. Sure. Wow, doc saw some black spots, diagnosed melanoma of the eye. No symptoms. Metastasized to the brain.

Mole.

Mole.

Mole.

Mole.

Oops...didn't want to leave out all those warriors whose melanoma was first discovered as a mole, like Brian's.

I could go on with the gory details. And I will.

So here is a shot from the CT scan. I can't necessarily decipher everything for you, but the shot is enough to know that his abdominal and chest cavities are scattered and full of tumors...yep, basically all those darkened spots are melanoma. I will give you a shortened version in layman's terms.

Multiple scattered liver lesions, some of them new
Right adrenal mass much larger
Celiac node is larger
Paraduodenal mass larger
Left pararenal mass is larger, likely invading the back of the left kidney and overtaking
Subq's on left flank are larger
Other subq's in the gluteal planes
Small mass on bladder wall
Fluid abscess in splenic bed much smaller - well, that's good
Subq thickening near the sacrum
Left hip destruction with joint effusion
Joint space loss, severe migration of the left femoral head
Infective process noted
This scan doesn't show the bone tumor at the top of his spine.

I left out a significant amount, yes there is more, as I couldn't possibly decode everything that was red flagged on this scan. I did not include all the new spots that were noted, as well as other obstructions and a lot of lymph node involvement (and other issues) that are difficult to explain. Or maybe I just stopped because I thought I might throw up.

I was going to cut the picture from the waist down, but I wanted to be able to show the leg bones and how the knees don't line up, which is indicative of the shift of his left femoral head and the source of his extreme hip pain. Hopefully I censored it enough for you and for Brian. Just FYI, the large circle noted at the top left of the picture is identifying his port-a-cath. All the other shaded areas show tumors, if you can distinguish them between actual body parts (like the bladder). And I promise you that his scan in April 07 after the huge Feb. surgery was indeed clear of melanoma...

This disease sucks.

I'll try to be nicer to you tomorrow. I have some photos of the fam that I will post. They came back this week and are amazing. There are some precious ones with Brian and Tye.

All for tonight...many blessings as always,

Jenni