Tears of Pain, and Not the Physical Kind

Whew! I am just emotionally drained today, helping Brian to deal with his emotions. He has been a train wreck since he woke up. He was sobbing and I was crying before the hospice nurse and social worker arrived at 10 a.m., and he continued to sob the entire time they were here. By 11:45, he was still crying, and I was completely at a loss. Every thought has run through his mind today, and none of it can really be comforted by anything. The hospice workers were so nice, and I feel they will be a great asset to our journey. They kept trying to console Brian, and offered to come back later...no, he didn't want that. Thing is, them being there wasn't necessarily what he was crying about. I was numb from the tears already, as I was pretty weepy yesterday, and I am not sleeping well.

So by noon, I called a close friend of Brian's and asked for a so-called intervention, as he always enjoys visiting with her. She arrived around the time I left to get the kids from school, and we ran a bunch of much needed errands to give them an hour or so. He was so sleepy when I got home that I didn't get much out of him, just to know that he enjoyed her visit, and he hopes she comes back.



I want to keep so many things personal, and I know you understand. But I do have certain things I want to tell you. Tonight he talked to me about what he believes about Heaven, who will be there, what it will be like. He talked so clearly and calmly, and in such detail. It is the first time he's talked in a calm manner about dying...usually he is crying hysterically and seems to talk in desperation and pain. I don't know what this means, but I figure it is a sign that his mind is starting to wrap itself around what his body is doing.

I struggle with wondering what the next weeks will bring, and what decisions he will make regarding his preparation. There are so many things that could be done to help us in the future, and that can only work if he can. He is emotionally spent, which makes the whole theory of doing special things for the kids seem so far out there. I want him to be able to help me raise the kids, especially Tye, and I want him to say what he wants to say. I am facing the fact that it might not happened, it probably won't happen, any way that I would hope for it to, as each person is unique in their suffering. My job is to just keep loving him to Heaven, as once stated about little Kyrie's last few days. I have been crying a lot too, and I just can't fathom that this is actually happening.

He's so sleepy. It was a strange evening, with the kids getting used to him being knocked out all the time. He also took something for anxiety, which I think calmed him this afternoon, but made him sleepier. They are adjusting his pain meds again tonight as soon as it arrives. He is wanting the pain to be blocked, and seems to not care really if he is feeling somewhat better, because it isn't good enough. He doesn't want to live like this, and I just want him here for as many more memories as I can. But what kind of memories? And at what expense to Brian. I will always be so blessed that he fought as long as he did. I can only keep praying that God ease his pain and restore his body. I will always keep believing that God's plan will allow him to be here to enjoy many more years.

So hurry up God, we need a miracle.