We are blessed to have power! Hope this finds you all safe and warm...
Things have been a bit icy around here lately, before the actual ice storm. Brian's physical condition is taking a toll on his emotional state, and mine. My counselor reminds me that this is normal for the situation we are in; that doesn't make it any easier. He is angry, very angry...about everything he can't do. He seems to really focus on what melanoma has taken from him. I have tried to encourage him that melanoma doesn't define him as a person, but to no avail. I haven't given up on trying to help him understand he isn't a burden, I've just taken a break from it for a while to let him just be mad. I would be mad too. I actually AM mad...mad at being a single mom again, mad about the fact that every conversation I have with Brian pertains to him being sick...what meds, moving him, repacking his leg, getting something for him, and on and on. Most all evidence of our marriage seems lost, which devastates me more than Brian not being able to walk. I keep reminding myself that this is the cancer, that this doesn't define our marriage...yet, it has effected it so greatly that we seem to have lost ourselves. In my eyes, Brian has been unbearable sometimes...and I see myself the same way. In his eyes, he doesn't see anything wrong with his attitude, other than that he is sad all the time...and I think he sees me as a caregiver who can be a real pain.
Not all that great, really...the movies and t.v. don't depict the devastation that cancer can cause. We see a husband die in his wife's arms...we don't see what all goes on before that. We hear about people who grow closer during times like these, and we wonder what is wrong with us. I know that Brian and I both are very frustrated and angry about our future being ripped away, and we trust each other enough to be completely honest about how we feel. There is no book on how to do this, no real right way...so we are both just doing the best we can and can only hope we'll end up on the same page soon. It is easy to say let's just love each other and cherish the moments...it is a lot harder to live like that with the stress of a terminal illness. Knowing we love each other as much as we do is all that keeps this boat afloat right now.
Still, I'm selfish...I don't want it to end. I want him here, regardless. I don't know if that is what he wants because he isn't talking about things like that. I feel like an emotional basketcase, and lately I have just blown a gasket at the slightest upset. I repeat what I've said...it feels like he's going to be killed in a car wreck, but when and how is just dangling in front of us.
I haven't slept that well lately. I have so much on my mind. Last night was rough. We put up our tree. All these thoughts ran through my mind...where will we be next year? Will I be taking the kids out to decorate Brian's grave? Will I even want to put a tree up? It was more than I could take.
Then I nightmared for what felt like the whole night. I even woke up once to get Brian a drink, and when I went back to sleep, the nightmare continued. I won't go into details, just to say that it all felt very real, and I got a dose of how things might feel if that nightmare turns into reality.
Then I read about an Olathe police officer who died over the weekend...31 yrs. old, lung cancer, non-smoker, first child born Oct. 2007. I often think that those NOT affected by the devastation of cancer are becoming the minority.
Sorry this post was a downer. Life right isn't always so peachy...
Stay warm!
Jenni
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Hi Jenni,
Just read and your post. I'm sure everyone who has "been there" will understand your pain and anger. I just lost my aunt to lung caner - another non-smoker. She was diagnosed and died within a year - not much they can do with that type of cancer either. Once you go through it with someone you never forget it - not the pain for the person or yourself. Hang in there, both of you - God has a purpose for both of your lives.
Jenni,
What we all have to understand is, we have had a monster enter our life, our marriage. You are not alone in feeling this way, don't beat yourself up. In a "normal" life, we have pressures, no time for "us", so it is very hard when you add Melanoma.
Geoff is stage iv, has been since May 2007, we are dealing with mets to brain, spine, lung, soft tissues in arms and legs, adrenal gland, pancreas...he is still working and remains positive....BUT we have had our times when stress, anger have taken over. I am looking at him deteriorating and it is not easy for us, the wives. We try and spend some time together, alone, to rekindle the relationship. What you have to remember is, how you felt when you married Brian, that is who he is.....it is the melanoma that has come between you at times...I sometimes feel like I am in a dream when I am talking to someone about it, I feel it is not me, not us...the realization of what we are dealing with is a constant drain, a constant, heavy feeling...I feel for you, try and use the board for support more....email me if you want to chat more at all, or just vent!
mplantrichmond@sympatico.ca. Take care. Maureen
Jenni,
I can't imagine the pain and hurt you are feeling right now. I lost my daughter about a year ago to SIDS. I never knew she wouldn't get to live long so I do not know the pain of knowing that your loved one has a limited amount of time left. But I do know the grief, anger, hurt and guilt that comes. I was so afraid that my husband and I would go different ways after losing our daughter. Strangely that hasn't happened-somehow we are closer. You are such a strong person for doing everything you have done and continue to do. It takes a very strong person to do what you do. I work with a family member and have watched and listened about Brian and your family for quite awhile now. I pray daily for your strength and courage. Finally this year I have taken on the mantra that I will celebrate the life she did have, and not mourn the life she wasn't given the opportunity to have. It has helped me get through some pretty rough days this past year. Take things one minute at a time. It's easier that way.
Jenni & Brian,
On many occasions, I have overheard a certain parent make a comment in response to her kid, who at times expresses anger towards her or others. She says, "Even when you're mad, I love you anyway." I have no idea if it makes the kid feel any differently, but I'm pretty sure it makes the parent feel differently.
When your anger comes through in your incredible writing, I share your sadness, but it doesn't change how I feel about you, and it doesn't make we want to stop reading. So, speaking for myself, no apologies are ever needed.
I'm pretty sure all high-quality dragon-slayers gain power from well-times bursts of anger!
Jenni,
First Corinthians says it best, "love hopes all things, endures all things... love never ends." Although on a very different scale, I remind myself about this every time Matt and I have an Arthritis or joint surgery related battle. Your quote about the portrayal of things in the movies makes me think about a quote from Sleepless in Seattle, Rosie O'Donnell says to Meg Ryan, "you don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie." All too often we perceive love as a joyous state, full of kisses and hugs. What we sometimes fail to remember is that love is found in the most devastating of times. I believe with all my heart that love IS taking your spouse to the bathroom in order to preserve his dignity. Love IS holding someone's hand when they're devastated. Love IS screaming and yelling at one another because you each can only truly be yourselves with the other. Only those who have experienced THIS kind of love know, truly, what love is. May love sustain you,
Jill
Jenni,
I totally understand your feelings. My nightmare this Christmas has been that is this our last one together so I know whwat you are feeling. We are trying to make this year very special so if it is then we will have great memories. I will keep you in my prayers.
Suzan (Wife os Keith - Stage IV)
Post a Comment