This morning has been a rough one emotionally for Brian. I don't know why today, but I think it just is catching up with him. He slept in bed last night for the first time in weeks, as we are battling a pressure sore on his backside that needs relief. This seemed to help.
Then when he woke this morning, he was very weepy and sort of a little panicky. The hardest part of it all is that it is difficult to reassure him that things will be fine. He said he was just thinking about things and how bad of shape he is in, and just worries he'll never get better and just keep getting worse. I worry about the same thing. He is very weak, and he is not eating. I have started keeping very close track of his calorie and protein intake, and have upped the supplements...will even be giving him just liquid calories when it arrives, as suggested by the hospital back in the spring if we ever got to this point. I think he will start to feel better, as he is obviously weak from lack of nutrition. I am starting to see signs of cachexia...general ill health with severe weight loss, anorexia, wasting of muscle, loss of appetite, and general debility that can occur during a chronic disease, often with cancer. I am working hard to get that back on track. Yesterday he took in 26g of protein and 660 calories for the whole day; today by noon he had taken in 23g of protein and 450 calories already, and is snacking now, so hopefully we can make a change.
He is going to sit out from our nephew's birthday party this afternoon and just relax and watch football. Going in and out of the house is just exhausting to him (keep the prayers coming for our house to sell soon). He's awake more than he has been for the past 48 hours. He will attempt therapy again tomorrow morning.
Denise has been here since yesterday morning, which made it easy for me to take the kids to the Bee Movie. Amberlea and I got to shop last night at Walmart...seems funny that this has become my entertainment. Even so, I did enjoy getting out of the house. Phillip is coming on Monday evening so I can teach on Tues/Wed. hopefully.
Actually, I think the hardest part of this all is that I can't seem to make him feel better anymore. I used to be able to pamper him and care for him, surprise him with a great movie or his favorite food, keep up on the meds, call the doctor, do lots of research to find remedies, rub his back...nothing seems to matter. Everything seems to irritate him because not a lot can bring relief other than pain meds, which knock him out. It is just simply devastating, what this disease can do, and I will never understand the purpose of the suffering inflicted upon so many by cancer. Brian is doing a lot of "why me" questioning. I would like to share some notes with him from others, so if you want to comment here or email me about how you have been touched by Brian's battle, I will share it with him.
Pray as if nothing else matters...
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4 comments:
Brian (and Jenni, too!)
First and foremost...
1) we love you
2) we hate that you're in this battle
3) you are always a blink away from our hearts and minds
4) you inspire us and make us live our lives more purposefully
Those things being said, I heard a story this week that made me think of both of you. It was about a German psychologist who was in the Nazi war camps. (Being social studies teachers, you probably both already know who I'm talking about.) He wrote a really famous book (boy, I sound intelligent don't I!!! I can't remember details, but the story struck me!)
In the midst of his torture and battle at the hands of the Nazis (I think melanoma cells and Nazis have a lot in common!) he would visualize himself somewhere where he mattered, where he had choices over his own life, and where he survived better than he was before. That mental energy amazes me, and I believe that you've both always had it. Now, instead of having to bear the burden of mental energy on your own, we've all got a little of it for you. We're visualizing you at the end of this race. We're seeing successes and torn down little melanoma Nazi camps. We're loving you and lifting you in prayer every second that we can. You just keep seeing yourself at the end of your race, victorious, and kicking the rears of the melanoma Nazis. And, always remember that when you don't feel like you have any fight left in you, we do. We will. We won't quit.
Love,
Jill and the Baker Crew
Brian & Jenni,
I live on Long Island - please know that you are in my prayers. God bless you both for your strength of character and your love for each other. I'll pray for a miracle!
Thinking of you and yours. You both have so much courage, it's very inspiring.
Jenni and Brian, I wanted to drop a quick note to say hello. We are living in Kearney MO now. Heath has been on this site several times trying to keep up with "Mr. Halley's" latest news and how he is feeling. Brian coached Heath's basketball team in 7th grade and really enjoyed getting to know him. "He's a cool Coach and funny too". Heath also shares some great funny stories about answering the phone for Brian. I will ask him tonight to write and share them. You are in our prayers every night. I was looking at the picture the other day of all you at your mom's dedication at the OB department and just had to laugh. First of all I can't believe that you all are grown up now and that you all once shared a very important part of my life with swimming- It made me recall your mom sitting by me at a swim meeting and telling me everything will be better tomorrow and to just keep smiling even when it hurts. So now its my turn to share: one day at a time - and keep smiling god loves you all. Take care and will write more later!!!
Holly Wilmes
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