The Waiting Game

I am sorry I have taken so long to post. It seems like the summer has just ticked away. I haven't been very productive lately. I have to admit that I feel very selfish with my time and enjoy just spending it with Brian and the kids. I often wish to just be able to continue like this, even with it being in limbo. Our life now is functioning, it is definite, and everyone is alive and participating in our life as a family. I can't deny how much I absolutely hate Brian's melanoma having affected his physical abilities. I can't deny how much it has taken from us. I can't deny how tired I am of fighting melanoma. I can't deny how tired I am of going places and doing things without him. I can do it, I just don't want to, and I want my life back. Someone in our support group asked the other day...how much can one family take? I thought...just let me tell you. But that weariness doesn't change my drive. I am determined as ever to support Brian in this battle. I just find myself in moments of uncertainty, and it gives me a good chance to step back and reflect, and move forward.

Brian's 35th birthday is on Friday, August 3rd, which is also my mom's birthday. I remember in 2002, the first year we knew Brian. We had an 80th birthday party for my mom and Brian (her 50th and his 30th). We joked about the next big bash, the 90th birthday party that we would have when they turned 55 and 35. I remember that day so clearly, and think back to how carefree those days were. I would have never thought she would be dead by now. I would have never imagined. And I can't even grasp the fact that Brian's melanoma has since returned, and caused such pain in our lives.

I am very proud of Brian. He is an amazing man. Two years and three months of this hell, yet he still smiles and jokes and loves life. He has quite a road ahead of him in the next few months. As I've said, I'm a planner, so this whole cancer crap puts a real dent in life. Brian isn't even completely clear yet on what he is doing about school. He knows he is not returning for the start of the year, but is unclear of the duration of this absence. It will all depend on how his body responds to the chemo.

Cancer comes in and abducts you from your former life. As Amy Wilhoite put it, cancer has done nothing less than assault Brian's body. It becomes a matter of which side is the most powerful...sides being the body, the cancer, and the drugs. So what side is God on? It is a difficult answer, one that relies solely on trust in God's will, trust that God will be glorified in everything. So I guess God is on the other side, the heart and soul. Because whatever happens with Brian's body, his heart and soul is blessed by God; and that is something that cancer can't rob him of.

I have to admit, Brian's birthday is getting to me. I just wonder where we'll be in a year. I have to stop my mind from wondering. Aug. 3, 2006 - Brian was home recouping from his first round of IL-2, having just found out that his disease had progressed to stage 4. On his birthday in 2005, he was dismissed from the hospital after having his first major surgery when they removed all the melanoma from his left leg. I long for him to recover from this illness. I find myself praying for total healing, but also just for a break for a while...for a chance to just be us again. After a while, you almost forget what it might feel like not to have death staring you in the face all the time. Funny thing, death stares us each in the face everyday, the rest of us just don't see it if it isn't in the form of an illness such as Brian's. We go about our everyday lives, counting on the next birthday to come as planned. Many even dread the next birthday, while Brian would love to have his hair turn gray and fall out on purpose, and not from chemo. Aug. 3 is also the 99th birthday of a woman from our parish. It is amazing, the plans that God has for each of our lives, no matter the duration.

The summers have been difficult for us for the past few years. As summer approached this year, I already had things in the works for a family vacation of some sort. I looked forward to the normalcy so many take for granted, including myself prior to this battle. Those plans were blown away by the return of the beast in early June, followed by the brain issue. Oh, how I longed to have had the moments with my family on a vacation this summer. I had even resigned myself to thinking we would just get in a trip to the zoo. Those plans aren't looking good either, although I'm not going to give up on that just yet, and hope for a fall trip. The zoo wasn't what I had in mind, but I'm taking all I can get right now.

Now that I rambled and whimpered about not getting a vacation, I hope you all know that along with the fact that our family could really use a break from the chaos of our cancer-driven lives, I really just wanted to make some memories. The kids are facing something most kids never have to deal with. Our only family vacation was when Tye was 6 months old. Anything else has been a one day deal, although I do cherish those moments. Brian has even suggested I take the kids and do a few things. I just can't. I don't want the memories now, without him.

Our house is for sale. I ask for your prayers in finding a special family to make this their home. This house has been a loving home for our family, and the transition of leaving is a difficult one. I had hoped to be moved and somewhat settled by the time school started, but that hasn't happened. It is a real challenge to listen and hear what God wants, to be true followers. I feel like He finally led us to this decision to sell the house, then nothing...I keep reminding myself that in all things, there is a purpose.

I also ask your prayers in helping us iron out the details of Brian's absence from teaching. It will be vital for him to retain his insurance, and we can only pray for the Lord to intervene on our behalf. We believe God has laid out the path, that He has paved the way for Brian to fight this, and we continue to believe that God will carry us through.

Peace,
Jenni