A Day That Lives On in Infamy

He knocked on my door. I was waiting for him. I acted like I wasn't waiting for him. I think I had been waiting for him my whole life.  I had never seen him before. Heck, I had never even heard of him until a mutual friend (thanks Cindy) called to see if it was ok for her to give him my number. I figured, why not? Either something special will grow from this, or I will make a new friend.  When he called me earlier in the week to see if I would like to go to dinner, the conversation was relaxed and easy. 
 

And then the day came.  And he suddenly was on the other side of the door.  My heart raced, mostly because of the unknown.  I had a lot of baggage.  I was hurt and damaged.  I was healing and didn't need to be hurt again.

Even so, I opened the door.  My first thought was...yep, he's short. Second thought, very handsome. He would later tell me that his first thought was...wow, she has big hair. Tee hee! As he stepped into my house and introduced himself, it felt as if we had already met.  My anxiety and nervousness disappeared.  He glanced up at the pictures on the wall, those of my 2 very young daughters.  He nodded towards the pictures, as if acknowledging my baggage, then smiled and said...they are adorable.  He never treated them like baggage from that moment forward, instead like added bonuses.

Today is a difficult day for me. It has now been 10 years since that day, Nov. 10, 2001, when Brian Halley walked into my life and changed the course of my future.  He showed me how to love, how to really love, how to be loved.  He brought much laughter and happiness into each day.  He made me feel like a million dollars, offering me encouragement, compliments, advice and friendship.  He made me feel alive and evoked in me a passion for life.  I fell in love with him over and over again in the coming months and years.  He was genuinely fun to be with.  His whitty humor, his ornery smile, I tried to soak in all of his affection and love.  He always put the girls and me before himself. 

A few months after we met, I stopped by his house one day for a few minutes. I was trying to tell him a story about something that had happened that day.  He kept kissing me and interrupting the story. Then he jumped to his feet, turned on the stereo to this song, and whisked me around the house.  When the song ended, I burst into tears.  He kept saying, Sweetie, what is wrong?  I was overwhelmed with his love, and thought then that I could not live without him.  That is the song we are dancing to at our wedding in the picture below.

Loving Brian for our short time together here on earth was enough. I figure if I say it over and over again, maybe I will eventually believe it.  I am selfish and want him here with me, and I know I will never stop loving him.  But in truth, I love him enough to know that Heaven is where he belongs now, this earth could not keep him, I could not keep him.  It is true, what they say about loving someone so much that you put their needs above yours.  You see, Brian did that for me almost everyday we were together.  So it was my gift back to him, to put his needs before my own, and to let him go on to live eternally with the Father, free from a cancer only Heaven could cure. Oh sure, he was headed out, whether I gave him permission to go or not.  I love him enough to want him in Heaven instead of physically suffering here with us.  The love we shared was enough to sustain me, to change me for the better, to permeate my soul.

My life was inexplicably changed by the existence of this amazing man, and I am thankful each day for the impact he has made on my life. I will die happy someday, hopefully a long time down the road, knowing I had a love of a lifetime, one that so many only wish for but will never experience.  And I know he will be waiting for me.  I imagine what that moment will be like.  I imagine seeing him and feeling like no time has passed since we were together, even if it has been 50 years.  I imagine his arms around me, and long for that feeling of security, comfort and love that I felt each day with him. 

I wonder about him now.  I know he would be proud of me, at least I hope so. I also know he would have words of encouragement, and would want so much for me not to be hurting.  His smile is etched forever in my heart and mind.  I am so thankful for that day in early November 2001, a day that changed the course of my history and brought to me one of the biggest blessings of my life.  Cancer could not take those precious memories from me, and only made our love stronger. His humor and whit lives on in our son, his love lives on in my heart.