Today

I feel like writing tonight, so I just thought I would get on here.

Life has been really funny for me lately.  I have been feeling very odd. No doubt, I am on a rollercoaster in a transition with my grief. From mid-August to mid-September, I cried more than I had in the previous 6 months, just in those 4 weeks. It was non-stop craziness. I finally blew and took a day off, which definitely helped me get back on my feet.  Being super busy with the kids and school keeps me from dwelling on what is my life, yet also keeps me from working through some things.

I spent a lot of time driving this weekend.  I drove an hour to Bethany to take Tye to meet Brian's parents, then an hour home.  Then today I drove 40 min. to St. Joe to do a little shopping by myself, then another 70 minutes through Cameron and on to Bethany to meet up with Tye, then another hour home.  That comes to about 5 hours worth of driving.  So what did I think about?

Friday on the way over, my mind was full of all the things I needed to do at school.  I actually really look forward to Tye going to the farm because I love when he is with Brian's parents.  I miss him always. But it feels different, and I love sharing a part of Brian with them, and also know that Tye loves having that closeness to Daddy. I never feel guilty for him going over there because everyone involved needs this time. 

On the way back, I drove with the windows and sunroof open, and the stars were just beautiful. Times like that make me feel close to Brian. I turned the music up loud and sang when I felt like it.  I swear this weekend I heard Just a Dream by Nelly like 50x. I really like that song though. And while it technically is totally not about my situation, I kept hearing the chorus over and over...

I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.



Thinkin about us, what we gonna be?


Open my eyes, yeah; it was only just a dream.


So I travel back, down that road.


Who she come back? No one knows.


I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.

Yep, he's not coming back. Any thought of it is completely a dream that will never come true.  Everytime I heard it (and I'm serious about hearing it so many times), I thought of Brian, of what could have been, of what our plans were, of how it is gone.  It is like I relive this every morning. I wake up and realize the dream of a long life together with him is gone, and what is left of my life can either be a nightmare, or a new dream.

And I am really shooting for the new dream.  I can't live in this nightmare.  What the new dream entails, I'm not sure, but I'm trying to figure that out. I just know for sure my life wasn't meant to be only this existence.

I am amazed how beautiful the weather has been.  I have even felt pangs of joy and contentment in the fall breeze. And that is something new for me.  The drive from St. Joe to Cameron to Bethany today was spent thinking of all the gifts God has given me.  I have to admit, any conversations with God about my life are miracles in themselves just that they happened.  And to have a conversation with him without being mad and hurt is almost unheard of for me.  So it was nice. God gave me a gorgeous day that helped put me in the mood to talk to Him.

It was really busy at the mall today.  I was a bit overwhelmed at so many moms and daughters shopping, and it made me really miss my mom. And anyone not with their mom was with their husband. I found myself saying la la la to try to keep from thinking about it and getting angry. 

I saw someone at Kohl's who had a melanoma awareness benefit shirt on.  I was in such a hurry that I didn't go and ask her about it. I should have. But part of me didn't want to know.  It is hard to hear about others who fight this awful battle. I heard of a man from our area who died last week, and had known of his melanoma since July.  I guess I should be more thankful for the time with Brian, and yet he suffered much longer. Still, the fight goes on, and I said a prayer instead for whoever the benefit was for.

This week is conferences, and I hope to have the chance to get a lot done at school.  I am always a lot happier! Hope you all have a great week, and thanks for checking in.

So I made it back home safely, and all 3 kids are under my roof tonight.