Comments from my Adorable Kids, and Some Other Things

Why is it that I myself feel somehow guilty for still grieving the loss of my husband?  And then other times I am unsure if it is guilt I am feeling.  I think it is ignorant, ludicrous, ridiculous, irresponsible and plain stupid hilarious that people actually think we widows "get over" this. Paleeeez! I am no less a widow today than I was on March 21, 2008...and I am no more over this than I was then.  Do I deal with it differently? Yes. Do I still want to deal with it better than I do? Yes. But over it? Nope. Not even close.  There are a lot of things in life that I can get over, and this isn't one of them.  I am a widow, with kids no less, which makes me a mother of a fatherless child, besides being a widow.  And it sucks.  The gaping hole in my heart is there, as big as ever.  Have a learned to live with the hole? Most of the time, yes. Somedays, not so much.  I will freely admit that there seem to be more good days lately than bad.  Still, I have yet to adjust to the fact that the bad ones come out of nowhere and are more devastating.  They are the ones that break my heart.  But the thought of Brian brings more smiles than tears, and even so, some of the tears are happy ones.  And progress is all I want in this journey, not to be stuck in the same grief forever.  Sometimes the grief is mild, and other times very painful.  But to get from one side of the grief to the other takes going through the trenches.  I also admit there have been lots of times I have avoided the trenches, and I think that has sometimes been good, while other times has sent me backwards on the journey.

We hit a big milestone this week, as I took the kids by myself to Branson.  Five hours away for 4 nights and 5 days, 800 miles, and we survived! And we had fun, a lot of fun!  I am a very resourceful woman with a lot of initiative, so it isn't that I didn't think we could do it.  I was more concerned with feeling comfortable and safe, and not putting a lot of responsibility on Rachel beyond what is reasonable.  The kids and I worked together, and Rachel was a great help to keep things running smoothly.  We made some great memories.  I did have a few moments, remembering the last time the 5 of us were in Branson, when Tye was 6 mo. and the girls were 7 1/2 and 4 1/2.  that was about 8 months before Brian's melanoma came back and destroyed the future we had planned.  But it felt good to make new memories and I know Brian would be happy with how well the week went.  We didn't get lost, thanks to Samantha (our GPS system), and the fact that Branson now has clearly labeled alternate routes of red, blue and yellow.  We did have a few moments that we weren't sure where we were EXACTLY, but we weren't really lost.

Now for comments...

We were at a BBQ place and the girls were being really silly.  Rachel went to the bathroom, and Amberlea said...man, if I had a whoopie cushion, I would soooo put it on her chair.  I said...that would be so funny.  She says...can I go get it from the van? I said...huh, you have one?!?!?! She responds...I always carry one in my bag.

Tye fell asleep in the van on Thursday afternoon for quite a while, so by evening he had his 2nd and 3rd wind.  We went to swim at around 11pm, and came back to the room.  Sometime after midnight he was still talking.
T: Who do you think I should marry?
Me: Well, I don't know. You don't have to decide now.
T: How will I know?
Me: You will meet a lot of girls, like in high school and college, and you will meet someone who you fall in love with.
T: How did you know you were going to marry Daddy?
Me: When you fall in love, you just know.
T: I'm going to have 3 kids, ok?
Me: That is great, I want to have lots of grandkids.
T: Oh, ok, well I can have 7 then if you want.
Me: Ok, do you think your wife will want that?
T: I will just tell her.
(tee hee)
T: I already know what I am going to name my first son.
Me: (I already know this because he has told me before). What?
T: Brian, and then I won't have to miss Daddy so much.

(ugh, he didn't tell me that part about missing Daddy before).
Then he went on to think of all kinds of names.  At the end he asked me if I would write them all down for his wife.

We hotlined the Steak and Shake last night at around 11pm.  I am usually very reasonable, but I was overcharged and the number was posted right there by the drive-thru, so I thought I would leave a message. Who knew they had a manned phone line at that hour of the day? Rachel and I got a few good laughs during the process.

On a ride last night at dusk, Tye said the sweetest thing...we soared above the trees and the sky was beautiful with the sunset.  He said...there is Heaven where my dad is. I cried. I tired not to, but it was so adorable and just broke my heart.