Memories of 2004

I hesitated tonight on which blog I should be writing this on, but finally decided that this has more to do with my grief than just being a mom in general.  Maybe I will post on my other blog too after tomorrow.

Tye's birthday snuck up on me.  I know when it is, and he has been counting down since 25 days.  So I have always known exactly how long I had to do my shopping.  I stashed a bigger gift instead of giving it for Christmas, so I knew I was already set for most of it.  But last night I realized I wanted to give him another train for his Geo Trax, and I hadn't ordered it and those can't be purchased at Walmart...which led to a quick trip to St. Joe to find what I needed at Target.

I have to admit that a lot of days lately have been good days.  Saturday afternoon some tears came out of nowhere, but I have long since quit trying to figure out how this whole grief thing works.  I left right after school today, and was excited for some time to myself, which I rarely get.  I'm not really complaining, I enjoy Tye's company, and love my time with him, and cherish the time the girls are with me.  But when I do have a chance to run around a little on my own, it is nice.

So I wasn't prepared for grief to rear its head again.  I stood in the baseball equipment aisle at Target (after finding the train I needed), and bawled. While I am perfectly capable of figuring out what baseball things to get Tye, or calling someone who knows, I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that this is what my life will always be.  I think my life with Brian and Tye flashed in front of me.  I could see birthday after birthday with no daddy.  Tye has lived another 1/2 of his life since Brian has been gone.  And that is unbelievably and overwhelmingly devastating to me.

My mind was not in the shopping mode, which made finishing what I was going to get Tye a real chore.  I also needed another small gift for Rachel (her birthday is Thursday), and I couldn't concentrate.  I fought back tears several times.  I battled it when I went to the mall because I thought of how much Brian loved Carlos O'Kelly's and always laughed that it was a Mexican Irish place!  And I have been by Carlos O'K's so many times...I have even eaten there several times since he's been gone.  But today was different.

I thought I finally got it out of my system, and was able to get the everything else taken care of.  But the drive home was rough.  I broke my personal rule of not driving while crying because I couldn't stop crying and I needed to keep driving.  I just sobbed.  All kinds of thoughts ran through my head.  On this night, 6 years ago, I got up in the night in labor.  I thought I would shower just to see if I would feel better, and I remember Brian coming to the bathroom door and asking if I was ok.  It was like 3am.  I was just standing under the warm water, letting it run on my lower back and trying to just relax  He came in and maybe this is too much info, but he peeked in through the curtain and said...you look beautiful.  I was about to pop, hadn't slept much over the weekend, and he smiled at me with a look that could melt my heart.  He reached in an laid his hand on my very hard belly (lots of contractions by then), and then glanced back and me and said...I love you.  I started crying, and he started freaking out that something was wrong.  Then he got all worried that I would slip in the shower, and basically demanded that I get out because it was making him too nervous.  By the time I was out and dried off, my contractions were seeming to spread out a little.  I got back in bed and he put his arms around me, and somehow we both went back to sleep.  When I woke up in the morning, we decided he would go ahead and go to school (I was staying home on bedrest), and I promised to call him the moment I needed him.  But...I didn't need to call him really because he called me several times throughout the day.  I had a doc's appt. already scheduled for 2pm, so he left school early to come get me.  By then I was pretty sure something was happening, although there were no real contractions.  I was dialated nearly to a 7 when I got to my appt. (don't hate me all you slow laborers) and Brian really didn't have a chance to freak out all that much.  Tye was born at 7:36 p.m. and although I didn't think I could ever love Brian more than I did, looking at him holding our son made me fall even more in love with him.

Needless to say, the drive home tonight was one flashback after another.  I want so bad to go back to those moments of pure bliss, of great love and happiness.  I want something I had and lost, and I can't have him back, and that literally breaks my heart.  He was so good to me, and I am better having been loved by him.  I miss him so much every single day, and especially tonight when I am getting ready to help Tye celebrate his birthday tomorrow.

There are so many what if's....

• if he had taken the treatment in 2001 before I met him, would he still be here today?
• and if he took that treatment, would he have been too sick to teach that year, thus never even coming to Maryville and into my life?
• and if he took the treatment and was in Maryville, would the treatment have rendered him unable to have children?
• and if we never knew he had melanoma, would we have better enjoyed 2 of the 3 years he fought?
• and would there be a little bro or sis for Tye if we had not known?
• and would there be another child to miss his/her daddy?

So I guess I am reminded that things worked the way they needed to work to get Tye here and into my life.  I am also reminded that I am not in control, I never have been, and for whatever God forsaken reason, Brian and I were not meant to grow old together. Tye is a constant reminder of his daddy, and I really do get to have Brian with me everyday!  The time was so short, but so precious to me.