Here Comes the Hardest Part

Well, forget about missing my Valentine. Something much more difficult to deal with seems to be transpiring.

Tye is missing Daddy.

Big.time.

Last week he whimpered around about missing Grandpa and Grandma, even called them! Which Tye is not a phone talker, so even they were surprised. He sounded so pathetic when he told Papa he misses him.

Now this week it is Daddy.

Before I tell you about this week, let me tell you how things usually are. We talk about Daddy everyday. I tell Tye that Daddy loves him, and sometimes Tye even beats me to it with cute comments...Daddy loves you too, Mom...or who else loves me? Sometimes we talk about what Daddy used to do with Tye. Sometimes it is funny, often it is just informational, sometimes it is sad, occasionally it is upsetting. He doesn't cry a lot, but if he does, it is a good ole hard cry. He sees me cry, and he also sees lots of times that I talk about Daddy and don't cry, that talking about Daddy makes me happy.

This week all it has done is make him cry. I have gone over in my mind why, and I can't seem to narrow it down. On the night of Rachel's bday party on the 6th, Tye was with my dad and he was going to spend the night. Tye refused, just decided he could wait up for me. Then on the 11th when I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning the next day, I had planned for him to stay at Erin's, but he declined. Even talking about him maybe going to Erin's got him riled up because he will "miss me". He was fine to go down there early in the morning, but he is back to not wanting me to be away from him.

Sigh.

Then the tears started this week. He hasn't cried inconsolably, but more often than normal. His cries are heartbreaking because instead of a whimper or sob it is an all-out bawl fest. Yesterday seemed better, and he even asked me if Daddy knew how to dance (while he was dancing on a Wii game), and we giggled when I said not too well! I told him I loved to dance with Daddy, and he smiled and said...me too. No tears. But when it was time for bed, he started in again.

I miss Daddy. I want my Daddy.

Last night it got a little deeper.

I don't want my Dad to be dead.

We just snuggled and both cried, and then I sang him the Daddy song and he drifted off to sleep. But he woke in the night, probably 4-5 times. Twice he was talking and saying something about Daddy, and the second time he seemed upset, so I woke him up.

He went right back to sleep and I cried myself back to sleep.

When the alarm went off this morning, I thought today would be a good day not to mention Daddy in the morning. No luck because while he was putting his socks on, he said something that seared in my mind.

I miss Daddy.

I know sweetie, and you have really been missing Daddy a lot lately.

You know why, Mom? Because I am never going to see him for the rest of my life.

Oh God.

I can relate. I am heartbroken over knowing I have so many years left to live without my mom, and I am 36, not 6. I mean, I want to live my life, it is just so hard, knowing I am motherless. It will take him 30 years to even be to the point I am at. He will have a lifetime of missing Daddy. And I think missing your husband is different than missing your Daddy.

My friends at school are so supportive. I have a call into a trusted friend who is a counselor, just to hear what she has to say about all this. It has been 2 years, another 1/2 of Tye's life. He was 4 when Brian died, and there is a major difference in a 4 year old and a 6 year old. I knew from the support I got from hospice and the grief camp that we all would deal with this in waves. His grief will form waves differently, mostly because I was smacked right in the face with the reality that my husband is dead as soon as he was gone. Tye is coming to that realization over time, and while he knew Daddy was gone then, he is gradually starting to comprehend the reality of this void in his life.

If there was ever a time I could fix something, this would be it. I don't want this for Tye. I want him to have a Daddy to play catch with and wrestle with and go fishing with. And Brian would have done all that, even though there are dads out there all over the world who are worthless and spend no time with their children.

And here comes my surge of anger again. The why's keep me awake at night.

I let his teacher know that he had a rough night and morning. I hugged Tye and told him to just ask for an extra hug from her if he needed one. She said she would be happy to give him some extra hugs. I saw the afterschool girl just before I left school, and she told me that Tye was talking about Daddy and saying how much he missed him today.

I would say the pain of losing Brian the Dad trumps losing Brian the husband. I can deal with the hand I was dealt, even with the sadness. But dealing with him tears at the core of my heart.