Missing Brian and Knowing He is Always Here

It has been a good Christmas.  I wondered if it would ever start to feel better.  The moments of sadness are still there regularly, but some of the dread is gone and I actually look forward to things.  One thing that I hate is being Santa alone.  I remember 2007 when Brian was confined to a hospital bed, and I was running around being Santa, with the help of my elves Dad and Jacob who moved some big items.  Otherwise, it was just me.  Brian helped with the stocking a little, but otherwise, I did all the skittering and sneaking.  While it was exciting, it was dreadful because I knew it would only be me from now on.  The days and weeks leading up to Christmas this year were odd in a way.  I hardly started my shopping until about 10 days before, mostly because I miss the days of walking around with Brian.  I took those days for granted.  I remember the year I was pregnant with Tye, and we trapsed all over K.C. looking for something specific for Amberlea. I swore I was going to go into labor that day, but we had so much fun!  I loved talking through the items and shifting things from the Santa list to the Mom and Brian list.  So this year, while I didn't feel as sad, I also didn't feel as gung ho on Christmas.  This is the first year aside from 2007 that we have no lights up.  I didn't feel like it.  I did it myself last year and it was easy, and I could have again this year, but I didn't want to.  I didn't even put up the Brian tree from last year. Blah.  My tree has about 1/2 the ornaments on it, and basically no other Christmas decs anywhere in the house.

Yet my house was full of Christmas love.  And that is all that matters.

I was in the home stretch around midnight on Christmas Eve when I realized 2 of the stockings were missing.  I looked everywhere!  I had one that had Amberlea's name on the tag, and then one for Tye from when he was about 2.  I just needed one more for Rachel, and I could make do with a fancy Santa bag if needed.  But where is one more stocking?  I was starting to get into panic mode.  I went into the store room for like the tenth time, and I looked at the stack of tubs I had bought to repack Christmas things last year, but never did.  I thought...hmm.  I yanked off the lids and found some Christmas ornaments I had bought on clearance...and ONE stocking! Yippee!  I looked at the tag.

Brian's stocking.

I stood in the store room and sobbed.  I came into the bathroom and washed my face.  When I looked in the mirror, I thought, why am I crying.

I miss Brian.

I really miss my husband.

I really, really miss the father of my son and stepfather of my daughters.

I miss Todd's brother, Phillip and Denise's son, Trace and Tori and Zeke and Don and Luke and Isaiah's uncle.

I miss my Santa helper.

I miss Brian.

But I was crying because I was happy too, in a sense of feeling like he helped me finish up the Santa things this year.  And that was a bit overwhelming.  God I love him.

Even so, I made it back into bed and the house was settled.  And I've said it before...of all the accomplishments of my life, making it through another year of pulling off Santa ranks right up there at the top! 

So I have a busy task ahead of me.  I am sorting this house again because I am moving...AGAIN!  Hopefully never again after this.  My dad is getting married.  She is moving here and they are buying a different house, so I am buying his.  I am beyond excited (other than the actual moving part), so we have to get busy sorting at dad's also...Grandma Eickholt things, my mom's things, 37 years of Heflin memorabilia.  And hopefully get it all done and get my house sold in a timely manner.

There is never a dull moment in my life.