Another Year Without Him

So today is the day that literally changed my life.  I read another blog recently that had me thinking, and I am going to take from that a few thoughts...

Today is the day my story was written.  Albeit a very long prologue, the love story started on this day, November 10th, 2001....the day that Brian walked up to my door and the rest is history.

As the chapters unfolded in the coming years, my fairy tale was a blessing like no other.  My happiness was immeasurable, and there were so many more chapters to come.  The anticipation of all the expected chapters, the excitement of the unknown chapters, all full of the story of a life I never saw coming, a life I always dreamed of, a life with the love of a wonderful man and a beautiful family.

And then one of the main characters died, and the whole story went to hell in a heartbeat.  I keep wanting to pick up the book and keep reading to see if there is a happy ending.  But each chapter sort of feels like I am reading the same one over and over again.  I have hope that the future chapters will fulfill my life, that I will start to look forward to what will come next. My heart keeps going back to read the earlier chapters, and even the difficult chapters...all chapters where Brian was still alive.  The ones since then have very special moments, great times with my children, but the fairy tale is over.  What was born on that fall day in November 2001 is long gone.

And I am sad.  I am angry.  I love Brian, and I don't want to ever stop loving him.  As another blogging widow said, he died, but our relationship didn't end.  It does feel a bit one-sided right now, as I grasp at any hope of seeing Brian in my dreams, but hey...welcome to the later chapters that the author screwed up.  My fairy tale has become a flop, a story no one wants to read, and one that I don't even want to tell.  Thank God I have my children so I can feel more that the fairy tale never got finished, and I just went on to another book about the blessings of life.

But the Brian and Jenni story that started on November 10, 2001...what happened?  I feel like a main character that is left without a plot upon the untimely death of the other lead character.  And why?  Because cancer ruined everything.

I am overcome with grief, and I just don't feel like reading the other chapters yet.  I feel like I need to understand what exactly happened and how I feel about all of it, so I can get to some level of acceptance.  I don't feel any better about Brian being dead than I did on March 21, 2008.  It hurts to the core of my being. All I can do now is try to figure out how to better deal with it, to accept it, to accept that there are more chapters to be written, and that are worth being a part of.

For today, I just feel sad, and so be it.