Tonight was a kindergarten families BBQ. Tye had a great time playing at Bakers with nearly all of the kiddos who will be in his class (the total is up to 23 now!). My heart felt heavy without Brian, yet I did enjoy myself. On the way there, Tye asked me if we could stop at Daddy's garden because he hasn't been there for a while. My heart sunk...I was just thinking how bad I wish our daddy was outside loading up the lawn chairs and how so many others take for granted having their daddy around. And my poor child wants to visit a grave. As we got in the van to leave (it was dark) he said, we forgot to go to Daddy's garden. I said to him...what do you want to do? He said...I will remind you to take me tomorrow. So I guess that's what we'll do.

I have recently returned to my counselor. I haven't been since October. A lot has happened since then. My grief is very raw right now, and I actually am not going to share it all with you. I have come to realize this grieving thing is all my own.

Don't seem shocked to find out I'm not doing that great. Don't tell me you are surprised because I seem fine. I'm not fine, my husband is 6 feet under and my son is without a Daddy. I will never be fine.

Don't think if I laugh I am happy. Or if I laugh and am enjoying a moment or moments, that I must be "over it". I'm not over it. I miss Brian so much, and the pain of missing him runs deep. I am relieved when I do have moments of happiness, and I try to enjoy those as much as I can.

Don't think if I'm not crying hysterically that I don't feel like crying hysterically. I'm getting really good at keeping it together. This summer I have cried at Hy-Vee, in the car wash, at church several times, at school, and in several other public places. If you saw me not crying, I might just be cried out.

Don't tell me I am young and I will find someone else. I don't want someone else. You telling me I will find someone else makes me feel like I should "get over it".

Don't tell me God has great things planned for me. I've had a lot of heartache in my life, and you don't have a clue what God really has planned for me, any more than I do.

Don't tell me that God must have needed Brian. I needed Brian, Tye and the girls needed Brian. And God knows that. And yet he is still dead.

Don't tell me Brian wouldn't want me to be sad. While I know that Brian would indeed want me to be happy, I can't just turn my grief and joy on and off. It is what it is.

So where I am in my grief, I'm not sure. I am wavering back and forth between denial, shock, anger, sadness, loneliness, and just plain heartbreak. I am not desperate, I don't need someone to be with. I was getting alone fine before Brian. What I want is him, I miss him so much. And yet I have to figure out a way to live this life that I have now.

I have no hopes and dreams because they still all involve Brian. I have to figure out a way to be able to look ahead with things for me and my family, what is left of us. I have to figure out exactly who I am now.

So it is off to the cemetery tomorrow...not sure that was what I wanted to do tomorrow, but hey!