Only in My Dreams

He was there.

In my dreams.

Finally.

Not sure it has made a difference, but it was good to see him.

I will start my post saying that I do indeed think people have dreams all the time where they see their loved ones and they feel comforted. For me, this has not been the case.

Sometime after my mom died, I had a dream about something, who knows what? But what I remember is my mom was looking at me, like kind of making her eyes bug out and kind of scary. I sat bolt upright in the bed. What the heck was that all about?

And then that has been it. I rarely get to see my mom in dreams. If I do, it is insignificant, as in not an important part about the dream.

The same has been for Brian. Aside from one night when I basically relived him dying in my arms, he has all but vanished from my dreams.

Until this week. And it was vivid. Sometimes I wish I could think about what I want to dream about, then close my eyes and have it all happen that way. Instead there were odd things, like I was driving his car. Somehow I found out he was still alive, and I was shocked because the last I had seen him, he was unable to walk and bedridden, nearly comatose and very near death. I was so shocked to find out he was alive, and I kept trying to call him. Somehow his mom gave me a cell phone that had his number programmed into it, and she asked me if I was sure I wanted to call him. She said I made her promise never to let me have the phone. I just screamed and grabbed it from her. The phone was red...why does that matter, I don't know other than to say that this dream felt so real and was full of specific details.

I could feel the desperation, the anxiety of wanting to see him again. Somewhere in the mix, I had to wait for a meeting at school to get over. I was running and yelling and no one was listening.

I finally figured out that Brian had made me leave because he didn't want me to see him dying. He said it would be my gift to him because he didn't want to see me hurting when he died. I have to admit, I was a bit tee'd off to find out I had taken him up on it!

Then the dream kind of just skipped ahead, and suddenly he was getting out of another car and walking towards me. He was limping and his hair was thin, but he looked like the Brian that walked up to my door the first night I met him. He kissed me so hard and it felt the same as always, with his warm lips and prickly goatee, and I cried because I was so mad that he didn't tell me he was alive. He said he found something to help him get better and he was waiting to surprise me. Then he kissed me again and got back in the car and drove off.

I was walking around in shock. I felt like everything I knew and everything I felt was out of control. I was so baffled by the fact that he wasn't dead, that I had seen the suffering and how could he possibly have survived it. And why wasn't I there for him? I finally woke up and was a bit surprised by the way I felt. I closed my eyes and begged my mind to take me back to see him, but he was gone.

I cried several times that day. And I cried the next morning when I woke up and realized he hadn't been in my dreams that night.

Who knows what it all means? I've thought a lot lately about his treatments and how nothing we did helped him. I have also sort of had to remind myself that this has happened. It seems so surreal, and I can hardly believe Brian came and went so quickly in my life.

I'm hoping next for a dream about the Hawaiian honeymoon that never happened, or sitting on the porch in our rocking chairs, growing old together.

As for the dreams of the daytime, I still struggle terribly with my dreams still including him. I have a hard time having hopes and dreams for the future because I can still imagine him as a part of my life. I think ahead about family vacations and he is there. I think about the kids growing up and he is there. I can't seem to think of anything of the future that sounds all that great unless he is there. I find myself not wanting to have hopes and dreams because they will not include him.

I have come to realize that I lost my future. Right now I am living my life on autopilot. I am Rachel and Amberlea and Tye's mommy, Paul's daughter, Karis and Erin and Jacob's sister, an aunt, I'm a friend, a cousin, a teacher. And I am proud of those roles. I just can't figure out what my future itself is. I lost that when Brian died. I lost the very idea of growing old, of retiring, of traveling the world, I lost the dream of being a wife and being blessed with a loving marriage. I lost the desire to want anything more than what I have now. And I'm not just talking about falling in love again...I'm talking about wanting anything else. I am richly blessed with my beautiful children, a loving family, great friends. I somehow think I lost my own identity. I can't even explain it. It isn't like I was nobody without Brian. But the person I was when I was with him is gone, I am the after Jenni, I am the Brian-less Jenni, I am the broken Jenni.

So how do I get out of this funk? The root of my feelings is something that won't go away. He's dead. He's not going to pull up in a car and grab me and kiss me like he'll never stop. I have a picture hanging in my room that was taken a few months before he died. He was already in hospice, and he didn't feel good at all that day. I have my arms around his neck, and he is smiling the best he can. But I look radiant. And I don't mean beautiful or gorgeous like I'm bragging...I mean I look just lit up with happiness. I laid in bed the other morning and looked at that picture and wondered if I will ever smile like that again. I sometimes feel laughter and joy that brings smiles and happiness. It is there. But I don't feel like I just glow the way I felt when I was with Brian. I was so happy when I was with him. I feel guilty because I can't get past this. I know I won't ever get over it, but I wish so much I could. So the goal is to move through it, but it feels like crap right now.

And the 2nd year is worse, in its own sense. The outward appearances start to change, while the inner feelings just sink deeper. That is both good and bad, in my opinion. I find myself able to enjoy things that I couldn't before. And I find myself grieving in private much more than before. Sometimes when I am thinking of Brian, and my mind is playing through a million things, memories, what could have been, the amazing feelings, I want to block it all out. Then I think that it isn't fair that I can't think about these things, even if they upset me. The other night I was thinking about our wedding, and I just had this overwhelming feeling that I will never feel that kind of love again. Then I tried to get it together and remind myself how blessed I am to have been loved by Brian, and so many others never felt love like we did. And then that in turn just brought even more sadness.

I have come to realize that is what I miss the most, the way I felt when I was with him. He was the most amazing man, and I am thankful it was me who had my arms wrapped around him when he went to Heaven, it is me who is left to care for our son, and to care for my daughters he was helping me raise, and it is me who can still once in a while feel that pitter patter of my heart when I think of him.

Sorry to turn this post into a real downer. Being a widow is what it is. I will put my game face back on and try to enjoy the life I now live.