Random Ramblings

So what should I write about? I figure some of you who still check on us regularly are figuring I fell off the face of the earth. To be honest, I know there are a lot of family and friends out there who do check the blog, but there are so many who do not. I have odd conversations with people who ask me things that I have updated on the blog, and they would know if they read my entries. That has made it hard to want to keep writing. I feel like I'm just rambling, and I am still trying to figure out what my purpose is. Then I checked the site meter tonight and I see that well over 100 people a day have been checking on me, and so maybe I should take the time to reflect for a bit.

So here goes...

I was right, at least so far. Time does not heal. I have always felt that way. How could I possibly heal from the loss of someone who had such a profound impact on my life? How could my heart ever heal from losing a love so real, so strong? How? My answer, it can never. My heart is forever changed. The deep wound created by losing Brian has become a permanent gash that will forever be a part of the makeup of my heart and soul. Yet, while that gash is there, it does get smoothed over a bit. Time does change how I have dealt with things. It still hurts so bad to drive past a neighbor's house and see a daddy out playing catch with a young boy. It stings. It burns down deep in my soul. But time has given my heart that extra space to skip a beat without stopping, that chance to just breathe and move forward...the chance to keep my emotions in check and be able to keep functioning. Time has helped me to better deal with things. Time has given me the chance to know (usually) how I might react, and to be prepared.

A month or so ago, I went shopping at Nebraska Furniture Mart for a new table and chairs (we were down to 2 wobbly chairs!). I had not purchased anything from there since the fall after we were married. Our account was still under Brian Halley and Jennifer Auffert since we had created the account before we were married when we bought a washer and dryer on sale a few months before the wedding. I guess when we were buying living room furniture, we never changed our account. So here I am at the check-out, not charging my table and chairs, but still having to give my correct info. Address? Nope, that is changed. And it is Jennifer Auffert? Um, no, actually I am married now (and then I start stumbling, almost for a split second feeling embarrassed in trying to explain this chaos). So, you are married now? Yes, my name is Jennifer Halley. So Brian and Jennifer? Well, um, no....I got married and then, and then, and then...(why the heck was I feeling so awkward?). So I just took a deep breath and said...well, I got married to Brian and he is not alive anymore.

And there it was. The classic look. I should not be so sensitive because the truth be told, she was very nice about it. Ok, so we should probably change your account then? Yes, probably.

I made another purchase later, so I had a couple of receipts. When I drove up to pick up the items I could actually fit in my van, the little drive up lady asked me for my account number. I glanced at the papers and realized their were now 2 account numbers, one for Brian Halley and Jennifer Auffert, and then a new one for Jennifer Halley (after that first transaction, they closed the other account and opened a new one). I have 2 account numbers, which one do you want? You can't have 2 account numbers. Well, (sigh) um, I bought one item and then told them my husband is deceased...

She cut me off politely in mid-sentence and said, ok, I see. And just asked for both numbers.

I actually was kind of glad to have the chance to easily change this...so many things have been a breeze, and others have been way too complicated.

Denise helped me get the house overhauled for the Eickholt Campout. There were 33 of us here at my house, and it was great to have so much family close. I did fairly well, aside from feeling very overwhelmed by Thursday afternoon. I was really missing Brian and sometimes when it hits me, it is rough. I am lonely, yet I like being alone. I am at the point that I don't feel like doing anything. I just miss him so much. I have thought long and hard about it. I know he would want me to get out and go do things, I just don't want to without him. I want my life with him, I miss him. It has been nearly 15 months since Brian's death, and I seriously don't long for much other than him. I do need a break from life once in a while, and I'll tell you later about a break I have planned. But for the most part, I just like being with my kids and by myself since I can't be with him. Is that so wrong? Other times I feel like it is a curse, like I am punishing myself for still being here, like I am holding back because I get tired of missing him and wishing he was here. I don't like to do things without him, and so I find myself just not doing anything.

I have had the chance to be active in the fight against melanoma. That, in itself, has been something that helps to smooth over that gash. I sponsored a hole at the St. Gregory's golf tournament last weekend, and also sponsored a sunscreen station in memory of Brian. I had a big sign made up and everything. I am very proud of it. So much so, that I have offered to provide a sunscreen station at the Celebration of Children on Sunday, June 14 at Northwest. See the sign below. While our losses are very different, I find myself drawn to them, as they do good in Abby's name. I can't possibly keep up with a foundation, although that is the dream, to have a foundation in Brian's memory. For now, I can do small things that make a big difference and still honor him. Thanks Brenda and family for letting me share Brian's memory at the Celebration of Children.