The Time Has Come

The time has come for me to shift the focus of this blog. I have thought long and hard on how and if I wanted to continue this blog. I can't seem to find a way to stop fighting melanoma, as it continues to cheat, steal and rob people of time with their precious loved ones. So after much thought and consideration, I have decided to maintain this blog because it has played such a vital role in my healing process. This has become my life, at least this side of my life. And I can't and don't want to stop. But I have found myself over the last several months in limbo...I want to share my feelings, my true feelings of being a melanoma widow. I have lots of other things I also want to share about my feelings on the derailment of my life. But I struggle often with having really amazing and fun things to tell about the kids, while something somber is going on in the melanoma/cancer world. So the idea came to me to split the blogs. I intend to keep most of the information on both blogs separate. I will nearly always post pictures of the kids and what's happening on the other blog, unless it has something to do with our loss. I will likely share some things on the other blog sometimes that has to do with our loss, but hey...welcome to our life! I will do everything I can not to duplicate the information, in hopes that you will still check in on both blogs to see how I'm doing and what is going on in the war on melanoma, and to see how our family is doing.

So here it is http://www.momto3gr8kidz.blogspot.com/ Enjoy!

Some of you that remembered might have been surprised that I didn't post yesterday, being the one year anniversary of Brian's death. It by far was the worst day I have had. The floodgates opened and I lost all control. I had tucked the pain away for a while, dealing with little breakdowns here and there; but yesterday was different. I kind of felt entitled to lose it, and I did.

I went with Rachel and some friends to get the Twilight DVD at midnight. By the time I got home, I just couldn't sleep and had to watch the movie since I hadn't seen it. I could feel the lump welling up in my throat as I climbed the stairs for bed. It didn't matter that I stayed up late, I couldn't avoid the inevitable. I was a bit surprised at how angry I felt. I felt like crap when I got up because there was so much tension in my shoulders and neck.

I woke to the doorbell. I had only been in bed about 5 hours and how long of that was spent sleeping, I'm not sure. I peeked out and couldn't see anyone. After a few more dings, I realized I had a sneaky visitor. Amberlea had left me flowers on the front porch. She came running around the house with a garden bunny. She asked if she could stay while Abby had some things to do, and I welcomed the company. Of course, I cried and cried. I thought the bunny was for Easter, until she told me that no, the bunny was the one from the story (Guess How Much I Love You)...more tears. The good thing is that she didn't start crying. Usually I have to be very careful not to upset her. She just smiled and rubbed my back. So I pulled on some clothes and we went to the cemetery. She put the bunny out there, and we'll go back and get it later in the week for our flower garden here. We had lots of time to chat, and I welcomed the beautiful weather, which seemed to somewhat help my spirits. I told her I was sure that God made her be so sweet because he knew I would need a kid like her. She is always the one who does all the little sentimental things. She had also written me a prayer, asking God to take care of me because of all I had been through. Thanks to Abby for helping run Amberlea around to do something special for me. It meant a lot to me and Amberlea both.

Jill brought a beautiful vase of tulips by, and we had a nice visit about various things, including the fact that so many out there just don't get it, they just don't cherish what they have. Jill has always been there for me, and it felt good to see her. Others showered me with kindness. I got a beautiful cross earlier in week, and I have lots of nice cards and notes of encouragement from several people. Each one seemed to just say the right thing. I am blessed to have the love and support of so many. I had a few phone calls. My dad had left a note and flowers for the 4 of us on Friday night. And Karis made me a beautiful keepsake box with some pictures of Brian. I have several things in mind I can keep in there. I also know that lots of others were praying for us and thinking of us, even if I didn't see them or hear from them.

The 5pm Mass last night was for Brian. I worried how I would do, considering he died shortly after 5pm. But by the time Mass came around, I had cried my eyes out and was kind of just numb. I am happy to say that Mary Kay makeup can cover up a lot, although I think my left eye was slightly swollen shut and I had a fat top lip. I took Tye to the cemetery to drop off his little flags he wanted to leave. He jumped out of the van and ran across the grass yelling, Daddy, Daddy. That like to have killed me. Someone special in our lives (I suspect who it was) left a package out there for our family, including gifts for each kid and me. Tye got a soccer ball, which he ran around kicking next to Brian's grave. Life is so odd. A few times the soccer ball bounced off the gravestone. I kept wondering how I got to this point in my life.

Rachel was another story. She didn't have anything to say. The kids helped me take up the gifts at Mass, and she seemed to enjoy that. I got a good hug during the day, and otherwise she opted not to go to the cemetery. I asked her if she wanted to take her garden cross out there, and she said no, maybe another day. I am working really hard to let her grieve the way she chooses, and I don't want to ever force her to go to the cemetery. For gosh sakes, I go only when I feel like it, and I want that for the kids too. I have even driven through the cemetery sometimes and decided not to get out because I didn't feel like it. So for now, the garden cross sits in my van. Rachel has always been the one that has gotten along the best, mostly because I think she focused on how much he was suffering, and she is so thankful he is free now. I promised her before Christmas that I would work to respect how she wanted to remember Brian if she would also show me the same respect. I believe that has worked well, and we are each getting the chance to heal as we need to.

With all of this, yesterday was the saddest day of all for me since Brian has been gone. I looked at Tye and thought that Brian has missed 1/5 of his life now. I know Brian is here with us, blah, blah, blah.

I was glad to see yesterday go, and can only hope for continued healing in the days to come. Today has been much better. See the other blog for a few funnies!