Rough Day

I've had a rough day. I haven't had one of those for a while, but it seems to have been brewing. I am so very busy right now that it feels like my head is going to explode. Next week is accreditation at school, and although I know we'll be accredited, and I'm not really worried about my teaching, etc., I am still stressed. My classroom needs some cleaning, and my desk...oh, my desk. I haven't kept up with my curriculum mapping, with being gone to care for Brian. I get tired of always having excuses, or always having our "situation" make a difference on things. It is crazy. I made arrangements with my sister to take care of Tye on the accreditation visit days so that if he is sick, I can still be at school. I appreciate her helping me, and hopefully she won't be needed. We were asked to make sure our spouses knew that we needed them to stay with sick kids these days. It is amazing how many things in my life are affected by our "situation". I get so sick of it always being something. It is just one more reminder that I am alone.

We sang a song in Mass this morning that was from Brian's funeral. It hit me hard. I looked at the altar and thought of standing there in that exact spot to marry him, standing there as a family on the morning of Tye's baptism, him standing there getting his picture taken with Rachel hugging him around the neck on her 1st Communion, and then ultimately his casket was placed in the same spot for his visitation and funeral. I thought I might be sick. I could feel a lump forming and the tears were welling up in my eyes. It was not a good time for me to get up and go out unnoticed, plus I had a feeling if I went out, I would lose it on the way out.

So the day went on from there. I felt like I just worked and got nothing done. My sister offered to keep Tye for a little while this evening, and I finished some things at home, worked at school, cleaned my grandma's apartment, and worked some more. I have been wanting to update the blog. I am planning to redo the formatting and color scheme when I have time. It is something I have been thinking about. I came home tonight and thought I would check my email because I was waiting on a response from someone, and there was a new comment for the blog (I moderate them before they are published). I didn't bother to publish it, but was taken back a little by someone who likes to visit my blog but thinks I need to change the picture (of the kids at Halloween) because it's "getting annoying seeing it every time." It just kind of took the wind out of me. I guess I do set myself up for any criticism when I open my blog up to others, and I am trying to remember that. I am just so worn out, that I am proud of myself for even getting the chance to update once in a while, my house looks like a tornado hit, and then there is my desk at school...oh, my desk.

So the last thing on my list right now has been changing the picture on the blog. (Notice it has been removed now, I made it a priority tonight). It has been there for a while, I agree. I intended to replace it with a picture of the kids from Christmas, but somehow I didn't take a good one of the three of them together. Anyway, I am sure whoever posted anonymously meant well, so I removed the picture. I had originally left it there to remind myself everytime I open my blog that at least my kids are happy. I guess it is just each person's perspective.

And I am starting with a scratchy throat. It seems minor, as long as it doesn't turn into something.

There are melanoma warriors out there who really need our prayers...Dave and Jen. And then there is Shawndra, a young mother from the Kansas City area who is very sick with colon cancer. So while life goes on for some, others still grieve, and others are losing someone. I will never understand this thing called life...