Christmas Thoughts

I'm trying really hard not to have a pity party for myself today. So far it is working. I would agree with all those who have told me that the actual day itself is easier than the days leading up to it. I've had several rough days in Nov/Dec., but today has been nice. I battled some anxiety yesterday a few times, but I think it was me just worrying about pulling off the whole Santa thing alone, and of all years, when I have had to be extra careful with Amberlea. I have literally been paranoid. She found a pink brush she wanted (and needed) and was begging me to buy it. I told her...I'll remember that. Then a few days later, I had it in my cart for a stocking stuffer and realized, I can't give that to her from Santa or she'll figure it out. Same thing happened with some Hannah Montana lip gloss. She did just mention some fake nails she wanted when we saw them one day, and has said about 100x over the last months that she wants some. So I thought I could get away with sticking those in the stocking. I guess her naivety helped me out because she excitedly said...I LOVE THESE, THEY ARE JUST LIKE THE ONES AT THE STORE! And that was it. Hopefully she won't think of that again and mull it over too long.

If ever you have a doubter (I wouldn't call Amberlea a doubter, just very vulnerable and at the prime age to figure it all out if I'm not careful)...get on noradsanta.org. This was a super help in getting the kids hyped up. I thought Amberlea was seriously going to pass out when she realized Santa had landed in the United States!

I didn't sleep basically most of the night. It was an emotional night. I was so darned excited about pulling off the whole Santa thing, and mixing that with thoughts of Brian and missing him...anyway, I'm the one that woke up to a beautiful sunrise, shining on the snow (remember my blinds were open). I woke Tye up, who had gotten in bed with me before Santa arrived and Santa had to do a few drive-by's before Tye quit "hearing jingle bells" and finally dozed off. So this morning I woke him and he went and woke the girls, who were both sleeping in Amberlea's room.

We were busy most of the morning and early afternoon before the girls went to their dad's for the evening. We played the fishing game and put the remote-control race track together, and the girls have been busy working in their rooms with all the cool room decor they got (shelves, mirrors...etc.). My dad came over for lunch and also helped move a few heavy items.

I thought I would post some things I'm thankful for this Christmas 2008.

I am thankful...

• that my mom and dad had their kids so far apart. They spent so much time being Santa that my dad is a pro now. Jacob joined the fun over the past few years and they are both my little elves in getting things put together and hauled over here. (remember the Santa drive-by I mentioned!). Dad also thought to charge the remote control car all day yesterday so Tye didn't have to wait.
• for Rachel, who was probably the most excited of all 3 kids about Santa coming! After Amberlea and Tye had gone upstairs, she came back in the computer room and said...ok, this thing (Norad) is cool, how does it work? She thought someone was quite the genius to think that up and was also quite impressed with how convincing it was.
• for Rachel knowing how to do some of those technical things. Her gift to me was loading up my iPod with lots of great songs.
• for Amberlea and her excitement. I found out this morning that she "heard some sounds" around midnight, which is when Dad and Jacob left. She just knew it was Santa. She couldn't quite understand why Santa hadn't finished the last bite of his cookie, even though he ate 4 that were loaded down with frosting and sprinkles. She wrote me a beautiful poem about missing Brian and telling me that he loves me and is with me. It was very special.
• for Amberlea's creativity. I got her an art cart loaded up with lots of cool things to make. The first thing she made was a sign with popsicle sticks that said...I love Mom.
• for Tye and his excitement. Seeing him all day made me feel close to Brian. I had to fight back thoughts of how much Brian would have loved to race cars with him.
• this one is a doozie...I am thankful that Dad and I were downstairs when Tye caught the Christmas paper on fire this afternoon. We had decided to light a candle to remind us that Brian is with us, and Amberlea brought down the lighter. She left it laying out and he had carried it over to me. I handed it back to her and said...remember we never leave this laying around. Oh yeah, she said. Stupid me, I assumed that was pretty clear and she had taken it back upstairs, but I didn't check that. So Dad and Rachel were racing cars on one side of the family room, and Tye was over near the couch. He said...I can't get my fire to go down. Dad and I looked at each other and just froze, then we both shot up and went running. Flames were picking up pace on my couch and Dad grabbed some wrapping paper and snuffed it out. He had lit the paper on top of a package of glitter glue that hadn't been opened, and it did not catch fire, but also prevented my couch from catching fire. Dad was just standing there is shock and charred paper was flying around. Tye was looking at us like, holy cow! That is the first (and hopefully last) incident I have ever had with my kids and fire. It scared the dickens out of us, and it took Tye a while to figure out why he was in trouble. I am so thankful no one was burned, and as I said...that Dad and I were down there. Amberlea got all upset because she knew she didn't take the lighter back up and return it to its safe place, and she kept saying this was all her fault. I should have made sure it was taken care of, and I have decided to put the lighter in a new safe place since obviously Tye knows how to use it (and I don't want to take any chances of him knowing where it is). WHEW!
• for great friends...like my friend Janet. She and her family have been taking the kids for the last few years to get Hallmark ornaments. She came and got them yesterday afternoon and the kids were all really excited. Rachel also did some Christmas shopping from me and paid Janet back. Thanks to the Scheffe's for the kids' ornaments and my Santa plate and Christmas in Heaven ornament. Thanks to Rachel, Amberlea and Tye for the I Love Mom key chain and Moms are Angels on Earth ornament.

I've read a few blogs of people who have lost a spouse, and I struggle terribly with figuring out how I feel about all of it. One blogger said she never felt her husband close to her, and thought it was his gift to her to know she could make it on her own. That's not how I feel. Another said she was actually thankful for her husband's death because it had shown her so much about herself, and brought so many special friends into her life. I feel blessed because of so many who have reached out to us, and thankful to them for their friendship. The only things I could ever say I'm thankful for with Brian's death is that he was home with us, he was surrounded by those he hoped he would be, his death was quiet and peaceful, and he knew and loved the Lord. But saying I'm thankful for his death, good Lord no.

I miss you Brian, more than anyone can ever understand. I felt close to you this morning, knowing you had a front row seat to the breath-taking view of the sunrise. I know you were here, watching over us and smiling, knowing we had fun. I love you so much, and because of that, I am thankful you weren't stuck in a hospital bed on Christmas morning like last year, that you weren't watching across the room, wishing you could be a part of it all. Instead this year, you were right here, maybe even Tye's guardian angel so he didn't burn down the house! Thank you for loving me so much because I can still feel your love.