A Year Has Passed

A year ago today we spent the morning in Dr. Anderson's office, sobbing and trying to take it all in. The news was bad, scans the day before had shown significant tumor growth, and our plans for another chemo treatment were halted.

As much as we both wanted to be optimistic, it was from this day on that we knew this was real, that our days were numbered. Everyone's days are numbered, but usually people don't have a countdown or an end in sight. It is the reason why, on New Year's Eve when we found out yet again that the tumors were growing, we weren't shocked.

I remember Brian a year ago today. He wore his Melanoma Sucks shirt. He joked with Dr. Anderson, who was celebrating a birthday the day before (there were childhood pictures of him all over the cancer center!). Dr. Anderson didn't joke back. I was sitting in a chair, Brian on the exam table, and I just froze. I knew what was coming. I think I knew all along. But we were in the present, the moment of truth, and it was just as scary as being blind sighted.

It was this day that Brian asked him how long, how much time...in all the months and treatments before, he had never asked, never wanted to know, never wanted to be included in the statistics. 8 months was the answer, maybe 4 or 5. The right answer was 186 days.

And they whisked by. From that moment on, it seemed as if our life was on hyperdrive, in fast motion. We were constantly hoping for more time.

Brian loved the series 24. He had really been hooked on it. One day around the holidays there was a commercial on, and the announcer said that new episodes of 24 would be out in January 2009.

I glanced toward Brian, knowing he heard too.

His response...I'll be dead by then for sure.

What do you say to that?

I think back to a year ago. That was an awful day for us. I shutter to even think through the feelings of that day. I was stuck in Columbia, 3 hours away, and had to drive home with this knowledge. Brian wanted to go out to eat at Bob Evans, and he had a huge breakfast. The waitress said...good morning, how are you? We said fine...and under Brian's breath, as she walked away, he said...I'm dying.

It was our reality.

So how am I a year later? Just numb, no feeling, other than longing for Brian and missing him.