Another Day that Slipped Away

I start each day praying for another blessing, another day with Brian here. I'm selfish. I don't want him to go. My prayers seem contradictory though, because I find myself praying for strength to let him go, and for him to know it is ok to go. Each day seems that much harder for me, as he slips farther away from me.

We started the day with talk of Punxsutawney Phil, and progressed into what seemed to be a map lesson on Lithuania. He has always been creative and witty, so I'm not surprised now that his conversations are full of a variety of interesting details. The mornings seem to be the roughest on him, as we have so much to do with changing bandages, etc. By 10 or so, he was pretty agitated, and it really took until about 1:30 to get him completely calmed down and off to sleep. The anti-anxiety meds had to be adjusted today to make him as comfortable as possible, which means he's even sleepier than before. If he is even awake to talk, it is mostly mumbling. I have talked to him a lot, up close and snugly, and he usually responds and knows what I am saying. He seems peaceful and that is my goal.

Todd and Denise and I looked through a mountain of pictures today. It was very difficult, but we had a lot of good laughs (about clothes and hair mostly!). It was bittersweet to see all the pictures of Brian, so full of life and happy, while he seems so helpless and ravaged by disease. Todd headed home tonight, as Trace's birthday is tomorrow. Phillip will be here by mid afternoon. Each day is a treasure. I looked at pictures of our family shortly before Brian's diagnosis, and I longed for life to be like that again. It was also difficult to see how Brian has changed physically over the past 3 years. Damn this disease!

We had several visitors again today. Thank you all for calling or just dropping things at the door. Know that your gestures, big and small, are easing our pain during this difficult time. I sit tonight and wonder where the day went...another just slipped by...probably another day that so many in our world took for granted, failed to tell the ones they love how they feel, another day wasted...when we would give anything for more quality days with Brian.

It seemed to be more difficult to get Brian's meds down him tonight. I hope that is just because he is so sleepy. Thank you for your love and prayers, as always.

Many blessings for a Tuesday worth remembering,
Jenni